Sufferer Posting is first step maybe?

SalishScene

New Here
I am posting this and it is incredibly frightening. I have been lurking and reading about cptsd for years but can't speak or write about it. I have been in therapy for a year but all I can do is talk about how I deserve a pd dx because multiple severe traumas have happened to me. I am the common denominator. I have been taught all of my life that I have an inner locus of control. If someone else is more powerful, I didn't cooperate or comply effectively if there was a problem
. I am 55 and my therapist is supportive of trauma treatment. My mother is thinks that is ridiculous to want to seek "recovery" rather than accept my current level of very low but predictable functioning. I go grocery shopping and to therapy once a week. I am afraid to even interact on the internet these days out of paralysis and ???? She says I have had my chance to live and to just move on. I don't want go into it all but the last 25 years have been unreal in trauma and she is aware but states trauma treatment is for those with a future. I have no friends or other family or resources and live alone. I am at a place however where I not sure what to do. If my voice is a bit different on the phone my mom suggests that I "decompensating". (My mom is retired from the VA) despite my not being psychotic. She has medicalized disagreements all of our lives in our family and it feels like I am a rabid animal when she says those things. It's very powerful, my brother and father couldn't take it despite being psychopaths. I also have a history of childhood trauma and neglect but I am not trying address that with her. I think it is about my age. She is saying that I am elderly and need to accept my chances in this world have passed and to live with some grace and understand life is grim for some. She is a Buddhist and is big on her own version of "radical acceptance . She goes on about the monk and the broken tea cup (I get it, I get )
I don't know what to do because part of me wants to try but the grown-up in me understands what my mom is saying. I am so terrified and confused. I grew up around ptsd and veterans so I was taught to respect them andIam not one one of them. I know that I am not homeless. My mom is disgusted I can't adjust to that and live in gratitude. I'm not sure I can go on like this. I think I am supposed to learn to deal with this better? It feels obscene and ridiculous to claim trauma and to be me here now.
Sorry for length.
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AngelKeeperJ

Sponsor
Welcome to the site! You don’t deserve all the crap you’ve been subjected to…none of us do. I’ve found that we personalize what was or wasn’t said, or done, and when we leave the home of neglect, somehow the critic takes on OUR voice and continues the mental and/or physical abuse.

The rest of our lives’ are effected by all the early childhood trauma, especially if we end up living with the parent who wasn’t emotionally available…ever. That’s what I’m doing and I’m 65.

I’ve been in therapy consistently for 30+ years, because I deserve to be happy and content, and I deserve to be free of my inner critic/demon and the past.

The best advice…don’t let giving up be a option…even if you want to give up. (That’s winning!) It’s ok to feel any feeling you have…it’s your actions and reactions that make the difference.

I’m in a phase where giving up would be easy but I refuse to give up or give in. Period. Made that choice years ago.

Blessings of peace being sent your way. You are safe here💜
AKJ
 

NoWhereKnowWhere

MyPTSD Pro
gosh your mother sounds incredibly critical. It’s utter nonsense the whole it’s too late I’m too old bs. If we’re not all trying to be the best version of ourselves what’s the point? Might as well lay down and die.

I adore radical acceptance but when it’s appropriate. Sometimes you have to try really hard in order to survive the suffering life throws at you.

Good for you for going to therapy and posting! It’s really hard to change and try to get better. Even the smallest improvement can make the world of difference to quality of life. You deserve healing and support.
 

SalishScene

New Here
gosh your mother sounds incredibly critical. It’s utter nonsense the whole it’s too late I’m too old bs. If we’re not all trying to be the best version of ourselves what’s the point? Might as well lay down and die.

I adore radical acceptance but when it’s appropriate. Sometimes you have to try really hard in order to survive the suffering life throws at you.

Good for you for going to therapy and posting! It’s really hard to change and try to get better. Even the smallest improvement can make the world of difference to quality of life. You deserve healing and support.
Thank you. I'm feeling like my life has been bearing under pain and just being grateful because " it can always get worse". I am exhausted from it.

Thank you. I'm feeling like my life has been bearing under pain and just being grateful because " it can always get worse". I am exhausted from it.
I really appreciate the support to consider a different way of life.
Welcome to the site! You don’t deserve all the crap you’ve been subjected to…none of us do. I’ve found that we personalize what was or wasn’t said, or done, and when we leave the home of neglect, somehow the critic takes on OUR voice and continues the mental and/or physical abuse.

The rest of our lives’ are effected by all the early childhood trauma, especially if we end up living with the parent who wasn’t emotionally available…ever. That’s what I’m doing and I’m 65.

I’ve been in therapy consistently for 30+ years, because I deserve to be happy and content, and I deserve to be free of my inner critic/demon and the past.

The best advice…don’t let giving up be a option…even if you want to give up. (That’s winning!) It’s ok to feel any feeling you have…it’s your actions and reactions that make the difference.

I’m in a phase where giving up would be easy but I refuse to give up or give in. Period. Made that choice years ago.

Blessings of peace being sent your way. You are safe here💜
AKJ
Thanks. I have a tendency to "not give up" which is why I am still here. I really appreciate your story!
 
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