Strangelongtrip
MyPTSD Pro
I spent the first year of the "really bad PTSD time" (starting October 2015) in a state where life felt incredibly real. I was a literal hurricane but I did things. I tried things. I keep pushing myself. I spent the next year being pretty ridiculous as well, skinny dipping, smoking, sex, drinking, anything to numb myself but in 2017 I finally went to a good therapist and have been recovering since then. Really recovering. I've had panic attacks and disassociation since 5, grew up in an environment that I think caused part of my PTSD (or at the very least contributed to its eventual development), developed self harm etc. I look back on the past few years and think, at least before I was recovering I was doing SOMETHING. I went to school on a campus, now I finish online. I saw friends in person, now I mainly just text them because they live far away. I joined clubs and organizations, I had a work study job, I even joined a sexual assault survivors group. But I gave up all of these things over and over--clubs, jobs, groups. I always felt like there was something about me that people are not going to accept, so I just give up. I avoid rejection. I feel uncomfortable all the time around most people. I attempt to date emotionally unavailable women because I don't want someone to really see me. Every time I showed someone who I was that I wanted to date in the past year, they rejected me. I spend more time looking at people doing things on social media than I do actually going out in the world and doing something. I scroll and scroll and say "I can't do this because I'm fat and no one would date me or be friends with me" and "I can't do this because I'm not that pretty and I'm not that smart and I'll never achieve that so I'll just look at people doing it and wish it was me." Observing, in a way, has always been my way of living. I prefer observation to participation. I always have, even without extreme trauma. It's safer and I don't have to risk anything.
I also developed a coping mechanism of my output and productivity being what I assigned my life's meaning to. Even if it won't amount to "anything", and I won't get lucky and make something "important." Last night I realized that I am putting my entire happiness on the idea that I am working towards an end goal. I feel like this is dangerous because goals are sometimes partially luck, and I've seen what happens when you get there and it has its own challenges. Instead, I want to start participating in life now. I want to live my life now. I'm done making excuses as to why I can't live and participate, except...I'm not. They just warp and become even stronger like some sort of mutant enemy. I don't know where to begin, too. How do I participate in life instead of just watching? I'm terrified. I feel like I've been living in a haze since 2017. I don't know what it means to be a "recovering/recovered" person and to feel real. I just feel like I have to either resort to my own ways, or live entirely detached, because attachment is suffering. Nothing seems worth what could happen to me if I get hurt again like I did before. I have an astrology app that said something along the lines of falling out of touch with reality is the same thing as using drugs to escape it (if you read this and know the app, we are one haha). I also think about a line from a song that says "thinking about the future as if it's going to make you happy, escape from reality." I don't feel connected to myself, or life or the idea of living in general. I feel like I'm dreaming most times.
I want to really enjoy my life but I don't know what that means. How do you enjoy your life? What does that even mean? I could join groups etc, but what am I passionate about? What do I actually care about? I used to be so passionate. I used to care so much. And I was miserable then too. How do I balance? I feel so solitary all the time. I feel just enough to care but not enough to put a plan into action. How do I get started and actually participate?
I also developed a coping mechanism of my output and productivity being what I assigned my life's meaning to. Even if it won't amount to "anything", and I won't get lucky and make something "important." Last night I realized that I am putting my entire happiness on the idea that I am working towards an end goal. I feel like this is dangerous because goals are sometimes partially luck, and I've seen what happens when you get there and it has its own challenges. Instead, I want to start participating in life now. I want to live my life now. I'm done making excuses as to why I can't live and participate, except...I'm not. They just warp and become even stronger like some sort of mutant enemy. I don't know where to begin, too. How do I participate in life instead of just watching? I'm terrified. I feel like I've been living in a haze since 2017. I don't know what it means to be a "recovering/recovered" person and to feel real. I just feel like I have to either resort to my own ways, or live entirely detached, because attachment is suffering. Nothing seems worth what could happen to me if I get hurt again like I did before. I have an astrology app that said something along the lines of falling out of touch with reality is the same thing as using drugs to escape it (if you read this and know the app, we are one haha). I also think about a line from a song that says "thinking about the future as if it's going to make you happy, escape from reality." I don't feel connected to myself, or life or the idea of living in general. I feel like I'm dreaming most times.
I want to really enjoy my life but I don't know what that means. How do you enjoy your life? What does that even mean? I could join groups etc, but what am I passionate about? What do I actually care about? I used to be so passionate. I used to care so much. And I was miserable then too. How do I balance? I feel so solitary all the time. I feel just enough to care but not enough to put a plan into action. How do I get started and actually participate?