Pressing thoughts journal

[JRRTG]

Is anyone else just feeling so unlovable right now? I know, challenge those thoughts, however, if I’m real, I don’t have any evidence to say I’m loveable.

Sure, people are always telling me ‘how does a pretty lady like you not have a man’ or ‘any man would be cray to let you go’ blah blah blah, but good grief, every single person in my life leaves, I’ve attracted some really unhealthy men, and I’m just left constantly thinking - am I that unloveable? Do I even know how to love? Am I that broken?

And then the spiral begins.....all the abuse I received as a child, did I deserve it? Is that all I deserve? Is that the kind of love I’m only ever gonna get?

I don’t feel anyone wants me in their lives. My loneliness is unbearable right now.

Disclaimer, I am currently digging up some serious stuff with my therapist so these thoughts have surfaced and taken control over me.

My mind hurts right now.

 

[JRRTG]

Today, I saw my abuser. My Mother. She got really stressed over something, so I went to help her and she didn’t like my suggestion and she got verbally abusive telling me I’m stupid, an idiot for such a suggestion despite it being the obvious solution. So I told her not to speak to me like that, and she got up in my face and starting threatening to ‘beat me to a pulp’. I am 28 years old, how dare she.

I left immediately. It set off a lot of flash backs and negative feelings and feeling the immense fear I felt as a child. I feel frozen and I just don’t want to see anyone or speak to anyone.

I went straight to the shops after her house and bought some nice food and a few treats!

I’m desperate to escape this. I want to move away but I have no idea where to start. I hate this. How was I dealt such a bad hand from the Motherhood deck?