Probably just stress but...

FauxLiz

Sponsor
this pandemic is really getting to me. I am not dealing with the at home isolation that many are as I am an "essential" worker and my organization has been struggling to implement remote work capabilities in the midst of all of these crazy times. I have been working 60-80 hours a week 6-7 days a week and I am finding that I am slipping not into what I would call actively suicidal but just this constant wish that I would contract this horrid disease and be able to just let go and not feel guilty.

Logically I know this is not a good way to be thinking but I just don't know how to beat these thoughts back. I am not doing anything stupid to intentionally put myself or anyone else in harms way, I am following all the proper protocols and this isn't the first time I have wished for something bigger than me to do what I don't seem to have the strength, will, whatever to carry through with but never has it seemed so close and yet so impossible.
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
this pandemic is really getting to me. I am not dealing with the at home isolation that many are as I am an "essential" worker and my organization has been struggling to implement remote work capabilities in the midst of all of these crazy times. I have been working 60-80 hours a week 6-7 days a week and I am finding that I am slipping not into what I would call actively suicidal but just this constant wish that I would contract this horrid disease and be able to just let go and not feel guilty.

Logically I know this is not a good way to be thinking but I just don't know how to beat these thoughts back. I am not doing anything stupid to intentionally put myself or anyone else in harms way, I am following all the proper protocols and this isn't the first time I have wished for something bigger than me to do what I don't seem to have the strength, will, whatever to carry through with but never has it seemed so close and yet so impossible.
don't wish away your life. You only have one life.

Your a hero for what your doing.
 

FauxLiz

Sponsor
@Survivor3 thank you, it doesn't feel some times like what I am doing matters. I seem to be constantly hearing that I should be doing more, every day I come to work and I deal with complaints from the public that we aren't doing enough in the face of this crisis but the resources I have to work with are only a drop in the bucket of what is needed. I am part of a committee this week that has to review applications for assistance totaling $1.7 million and I don't even want to start looking at them because the total amount of resources we have available to provide assistance is less than $50 thousand.

I made the mistake over the weekend of logging in to social media and seeing all of these happy group screenshots of families and friend groups having virtual gatherings to connect and all it did was make me feel more alone and empty. I haven't participated in any "fun" virtual meetings in this pandemic and haven't even been invited to one which I suppose is a clear and undeniable statement of just how alone I am in this world. Sorry, didn't mean to turn this into a pity party as you can probably guess today has not been one of my better days.
 

Justmehere

Moderator
I made the mistake over the weekend of logging in to social media and seeing all of these happy group screenshots of families and friend groups having virtual gatherings to connect and all it did was make me feel more alone and empty.
I can relate.

I had moments last week where somewhere in my head I was like ya know, not breathing and just moving on past this life would be ok. Stress cups overrunning...

Is it possible to get a little more time off to recharge? Or are things just spinning along too much too fast to do that?
 

FauxLiz

Sponsor
@Justmehere thus is normally a time of year that I am working at least 50 hours a week because of budgeting season so all the additional work on my plate with pandemic response, taking on duties of “non-essential” staff and the in office duties of the employees I have put on “active call in” meaning I am paying them to stay home and stay healthy in case their counterparts or I get sick well doesn’t leave time for me to take time off. As the boss I am expected to lead during difficult times and show that I wouldn’t ask them to do something I would not be willing to do myself. It will probably get a bit better later this week as we will finally be at a place where everyone can work remotely and so I will be the only one going into the office and I generally accomplish much more when they are gone without the distractions. Also Friday is technically a holiday so our phones will be off and it will be like working on a weekend.
 
Top