Hi everybody, this is my first post here and I hope everything is doing good.
Before getting to the real question I need to give you some background information, just so you have a clearer view about what's going on, I'm sorry if this will be long.
When I (F) was 17 years old I had my first relationship and first sexual experiences with a former close friend of mine. I don't know how to define it rather than really abusive. He pushed me to have sex with him as soon as possible constantly repeating me that he loved me and I could trust him, and I should know as we were almost best friends.
So I gave in and I lost my virginity with him even if I wasn't still convinced enough, but I felt immediately that something was off, but I was gaslighted and I kept repeating to myself that he loved me and I could trust him.
It went downhill very fast. We would argue practically everyday about the most stupid things and I wouldn't really know how it would happen, because he'd snap for anything. When we argued through text messages, I was always convinced I was right, then we'd meet to clear things up and I'd end up always apologizing not knowing why. I wouldn't be allowed to touch him and when I tried, he told me "I was not good enough, I lacked experience and if I tried I'd make a mess and hurt him".
Almost right after our first time, I started rejecting him and he would get extremely angry, firstly I tried to make up some excuses, then he wouldn't stop and I'd do something like pushing his arms away. In the end he got really angry and I explained to him that I wasn't ready and I needed a bit more time to approach my sexuality in the relationship, and he told me I was saying nonsense, that after loosing my virginity it was a stupid excuse to ask for more time, that he couldn't see the point in staying in the relationship if I couldn't give him everything the relationship should included.
So, once again, I forced myself into having sex with him and he broke up with me anyways after a couple of weeks because I said to him "fu** off" while we were arguing, and that he couldn't accept lack of respect coming from me. Aside from that, for the whole time we were together he kept blaiming me for being younger than him (just three years apart) and being really immature (as we were friends he always used to tell me how incredibly mature and wise I was for my age...).
I was scarred by this thing and I kept dreading to go out with anyone because I never felt ready to go on to the next step (sexual intercourse and so on), I kept making excuses and always tried to find flaws in all the guys I tried to go out with.
Last year I started going out with a guy who lives in my same student residence, we decided to take things slowly as we were almost already living together with other people, I explained the situation to him and he's always been very caring and understanding, he never pushed me in any way possible and it seemed like my problems had disappeared. I finally changed my mind about sex and I was able to see it as something that should be enjoyed by both parts and not something I had to do to make the relationship work. He is the first person who understands me totally, as he also had some problems with depression and anxiety, we got on very well and we enjoy the same things.
But something changed back in September.
While we were on a road trip my discomfort with sex came back (it happens when I accuse any kind of severe stress as I become very hypersensitive and feel overwhelmed) and I wouldn't tell him what was going on, so after the third or fourth excuse he got upset and he retreated onto himself for quarter an hour. This in some way brought me back to the behaviour of my abusive ex-partner and I broke down. My partner immediately apologised with me and explained to me that he did not react in that way because of the lack of sex, but because I was not being honest with him and that he just snapped unintentionally, and I get him. It seemed like everything was fine, but my anxiety kept growing and growing.
Back in January I started a short cycle of psychoterapy with a therapist offered by the university I study at (it's a free service offered to students in need of mental support) and I really wanted to elaborate the experience with my ex, because I felt like I never recovered from it (I start trembling like a leaf and having nausea every time I see him on the streets) and they would always dismiss my request, telling me that the problems with my sexual life were not coming from that experience, but from myself.
When I explained to them how I felt with my partner, telling them about the sex life and the fact that I started being avoidant and having constant questions about the relationship in my mind like "do I really love him? Am I ok in this relationship? Maybe I do not love him as much as he loves me, maybe when I'm happy with him I'm just pretending it" they told me "yeah, maybe you don't love him anymore, you should really considering breaking up with him because this is not love and all these questions are alarming, you're not giving enough attention to them, you're just feeling trapped in the current relationship", and they insisted on these things.
From that time on, I really started dwelling on the thing. I feel like I'm going crazy, all of a sudden I feel stressed by being in the relationship. When I try to rationalize I can't see any good reason why I should not love him anymore, I would really enjoy the time I'm with him if it wasn't for these thoughts that I feel that don't belong to me. It is really stressing and draining, it's like I can't enjoy the relationship anymore and I'm withdrawing more and more.
I tried to break up with my partner more than once when stress was at its peak and then I would feel horrible. It's like my mind is so crowded by so many things that don't belong to me that I have some serious difficulties in understanding what I really think and feel. I feel completely detached by reality, any social activity drains me to the point I'm always exhausted, I'm not even able to feel anxious for my exams anymore. On the other side I see that my boyfriend is really worried about me, he tries to compensate and help me and I feel like the more he tries to be closer to me, the more I withdraw and I feel terrible about that. I feel like a part of me that it's not me is ruining my relationship be convincing me I'm not in love anymore, and I don't know if it's true or not (does it even make sense).
I started to see another therapist and he mentioned I could have PTSD, so I wanted to ask here if people that share with me this problem have ever felt this way, if it is normal.
I guess I just need to be reassured. Everything feels incredibly overwhelming right now and as much as close friends and family try to support me, they don't really get what's going on. I feel incredibly alone and like I'm ruining what's good in my life with my own hands.
Before getting to the real question I need to give you some background information, just so you have a clearer view about what's going on, I'm sorry if this will be long.
When I (F) was 17 years old I had my first relationship and first sexual experiences with a former close friend of mine. I don't know how to define it rather than really abusive. He pushed me to have sex with him as soon as possible constantly repeating me that he loved me and I could trust him, and I should know as we were almost best friends.
So I gave in and I lost my virginity with him even if I wasn't still convinced enough, but I felt immediately that something was off, but I was gaslighted and I kept repeating to myself that he loved me and I could trust him.
It went downhill very fast. We would argue practically everyday about the most stupid things and I wouldn't really know how it would happen, because he'd snap for anything. When we argued through text messages, I was always convinced I was right, then we'd meet to clear things up and I'd end up always apologizing not knowing why. I wouldn't be allowed to touch him and when I tried, he told me "I was not good enough, I lacked experience and if I tried I'd make a mess and hurt him".
Almost right after our first time, I started rejecting him and he would get extremely angry, firstly I tried to make up some excuses, then he wouldn't stop and I'd do something like pushing his arms away. In the end he got really angry and I explained to him that I wasn't ready and I needed a bit more time to approach my sexuality in the relationship, and he told me I was saying nonsense, that after loosing my virginity it was a stupid excuse to ask for more time, that he couldn't see the point in staying in the relationship if I couldn't give him everything the relationship should included.
So, once again, I forced myself into having sex with him and he broke up with me anyways after a couple of weeks because I said to him "fu** off" while we were arguing, and that he couldn't accept lack of respect coming from me. Aside from that, for the whole time we were together he kept blaiming me for being younger than him (just three years apart) and being really immature (as we were friends he always used to tell me how incredibly mature and wise I was for my age...).
I was scarred by this thing and I kept dreading to go out with anyone because I never felt ready to go on to the next step (sexual intercourse and so on), I kept making excuses and always tried to find flaws in all the guys I tried to go out with.
Last year I started going out with a guy who lives in my same student residence, we decided to take things slowly as we were almost already living together with other people, I explained the situation to him and he's always been very caring and understanding, he never pushed me in any way possible and it seemed like my problems had disappeared. I finally changed my mind about sex and I was able to see it as something that should be enjoyed by both parts and not something I had to do to make the relationship work. He is the first person who understands me totally, as he also had some problems with depression and anxiety, we got on very well and we enjoy the same things.
But something changed back in September.
While we were on a road trip my discomfort with sex came back (it happens when I accuse any kind of severe stress as I become very hypersensitive and feel overwhelmed) and I wouldn't tell him what was going on, so after the third or fourth excuse he got upset and he retreated onto himself for quarter an hour. This in some way brought me back to the behaviour of my abusive ex-partner and I broke down. My partner immediately apologised with me and explained to me that he did not react in that way because of the lack of sex, but because I was not being honest with him and that he just snapped unintentionally, and I get him. It seemed like everything was fine, but my anxiety kept growing and growing.
Back in January I started a short cycle of psychoterapy with a therapist offered by the university I study at (it's a free service offered to students in need of mental support) and I really wanted to elaborate the experience with my ex, because I felt like I never recovered from it (I start trembling like a leaf and having nausea every time I see him on the streets) and they would always dismiss my request, telling me that the problems with my sexual life were not coming from that experience, but from myself.
When I explained to them how I felt with my partner, telling them about the sex life and the fact that I started being avoidant and having constant questions about the relationship in my mind like "do I really love him? Am I ok in this relationship? Maybe I do not love him as much as he loves me, maybe when I'm happy with him I'm just pretending it" they told me "yeah, maybe you don't love him anymore, you should really considering breaking up with him because this is not love and all these questions are alarming, you're not giving enough attention to them, you're just feeling trapped in the current relationship", and they insisted on these things.
From that time on, I really started dwelling on the thing. I feel like I'm going crazy, all of a sudden I feel stressed by being in the relationship. When I try to rationalize I can't see any good reason why I should not love him anymore, I would really enjoy the time I'm with him if it wasn't for these thoughts that I feel that don't belong to me. It is really stressing and draining, it's like I can't enjoy the relationship anymore and I'm withdrawing more and more.
I tried to break up with my partner more than once when stress was at its peak and then I would feel horrible. It's like my mind is so crowded by so many things that don't belong to me that I have some serious difficulties in understanding what I really think and feel. I feel completely detached by reality, any social activity drains me to the point I'm always exhausted, I'm not even able to feel anxious for my exams anymore. On the other side I see that my boyfriend is really worried about me, he tries to compensate and help me and I feel like the more he tries to be closer to me, the more I withdraw and I feel terrible about that. I feel like a part of me that it's not me is ruining my relationship be convincing me I'm not in love anymore, and I don't know if it's true or not (does it even make sense).
I started to see another therapist and he mentioned I could have PTSD, so I wanted to ask here if people that share with me this problem have ever felt this way, if it is normal.
I guess I just need to be reassured. Everything feels incredibly overwhelming right now and as much as close friends and family try to support me, they don't really get what's going on. I feel incredibly alone and like I'm ruining what's good in my life with my own hands.