Processing forgiveness / restorative justice

[coraxxx]

Heya. I don’t have a better title but here it goes.

I’m in the process of discussing and feedbacking how things happened with my ex, who caused me great harm with domestic violence and emotional abuse.

We have been apart since a year now and a cycle of conversations about how each party has perceived things is currently happening.

I could explain exactly how I felt and how it affects me still nowadays, as well as to stop fearing his response since this process is happening remotely. It feels right and in control.

We don’t have a third party to mediate the discussions but I feel like it’s been important for us to be able to express our distress, our fears and current feelings towards the situation. And for me, especially to be seen in how much I’m hurting outside of his own view. That happened.

It’s hard though. Certain answers just sting. I can feel it’s healing and firm boundaries have been defined. So far it’s okay.

Our aim is to be able to express ourselves to each other without fearing a backlash in any sense, and restore a decent amount of trust. Not in everything, but at least to remove the fear from the equation. A distant friendship seems possible to attain but I wouldn’t bet on anything specific, just going through this process. In a certain sense, I feel like we can be very intimate with our abusers because understanding them has been crucial for our survival. Huge trauma bonding. And the aim is to remove the trauma bonding, so we cannot know in which form the relationship might or might not result, actually it’s becoming quite secondary to the process.

Something that worries me though is that others might judge or not understand this process.

Did anyone here go through something similar? What is your experience? What has gone well and what did go wrong?

Thank you and peace upon all.

 

[grit]

It seems a very difficult thing to do and I can empathize your perspective but I wonder what might be in for the other?

Huge trauma bonding. And the aim is to remove the trauma bonding, so we cannot know in which form the relationship might or might not result, actually it’s becoming quite secondary to the process.

This line confused me though. Does it mean not knowing where the relationship may go like the future? Are you thinking of reconciling?

I think as long as you have support, some protective factors, and clear of your goals ...perhaps you need the risk this level to heal and who can judge that truly for anyone?

 

[coraxxx]

This line confused me though. Does it mean not knowing where the relationship may go like the future? Are you thinking of reconciling?

There is clearly a desire for reconciliation and fostering a healthy friendship, we just don't know if it will be possible given what happened and how we are. It's obvious both of us are mortified. But I think working on ourselves is absolute priority. Loyalty and openness towards each other also is important, it's a process of rebuilding trust.

It's a very weird phase in life and we're very lost. There still is a great attachment to each other. In the past I did learn that love enough cannot fill deep rooted issues and that there is a great part of the work that is solitary. There is loneliness in this process as well as togetherness. It's very bizarre. It seems unprecedented to me and I'm cautious with it. I think time and peace will be important. None of this can be achieved in one day. The pain is to accept to remain apart to pick our own pieces, but it's necessary.

 

[arfie]

sounds similar to the process my hubby and i have been working. i don't know anybody else working similar wise, so i can offer empathy on the weird feelings and confusions involved. i don't see allot of option other than a traditional divorce or making it up as we go. hubs and i call it, "creating new steps to the dance."

just getting those points of conflict into compassionate, easy to talk about words is quite a challenge. what other people think of our efforts is irrelevant. it is a dance designed for two. inviting other dancers to dance along is nothing more than a guarantee of confusion.

be gentle with yourself and each other. be patient with the process. good loving takes time to learn.