Yesterday was the 2 year anniversary of my mom's death. It's been a LONG two years full of pain and grief, but also a big step in learning to finally feel, understanding, forgiveness, and growth. Yes, many days were very hard and filled with anger and anxiety. Quite often there was a disconnect between my adult self that truly forgave her during the final weeks, and my younger self that never processed her drinking and how that impacted me then and shaped who I am. That limbo was extremely confusing for sure! Slowly, especially the past 3 months, the adult self has come to the forefront, if that makes sense. Friday for some reason, I made the conscious decision to acknowledge Saturday for what it was, but then practice self care and do things I enjoy rather than get sucked in, overwhelmed, and just lay on the floor all day, or fight negative thoughts/urges. This concept in itself is completely new to me! I have no idea how I finally was able to come to that decision, but I'm not going to question it. I think maybe seeing my therapist the day before and my homework was to intentionally do something to honor her and write about the experience may have prompted it. I'm oddly very proud of myself. I contacted my family to acknowledge it, but then my friends took me to lunch to celebrate how much progress I've made. They're the best and I was overwhelmed with..."aww shucks." I'm not sure what feeling that would be (still working on that block). I felt loved and appreciated. I had a small thought that I don't deserve it, but I let it be fleeting and tried to stay present in the conversation instead of obsessing. That was progress in itself as well. I then went to my favorite store after and bought a lot of things to plant in the yard and worked on it the rest of the afternoon. I completely unplugged and just enjoyed mowing, planting, and setting up feeders for the birds. I didn't really have many thoughts at all. I was somewhat confused and wondered if I was avoiding or truly just moved on, but that too was a fleeting thought. A friend then came over for dinner and a movie. By the time they left, I was content, tired, and began to wind down. No, I wasn't able to sleep in my bed yet, but you know what... I'm not going to push myself and who cares? I live by myself anyway and if that's how I can get sleep, so be it! I'm trying to take the unnecessary pressure off myself. Do I miss her? Yes. Do i still have some anger, guilt, or resentment..yep, but it no longer consumes me. Will I be able to do this all the time? Likely not, and that's ok... The fact I could do it at all for the first time is amazing and huge progress! If I put that pressure on myself to be perfect or think "well you did it then, why can't you do it now!? You're a failure," it won't get me anywhere. One step at a time, and one "issue" at a time. It was a surreal experience honestly, and I thought "is this really me? How am I doing this all of a sudden?" Hopefully as time passes, it'll become easier to do and grab on to during rough days, no matter the trigger or situation. I never thought I'd ever be able to do that... Just "decide" on a mindset. It's taken many many years to even get to this place, but I'm glad I could, even if once.