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Prolonged Childhood Sexual Abuse

Discussion in 'Introductions' started by Kells, Aug 30, 2006.

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  1. Kells

    Kells Active Member

    Hello, everyone :smile:

    I am so glad to see there is an actual forum that exists that relates to PTSD, because the mere thought of actually speaking to someone in person (I've done this, quite uncomfortable) makes me highly uncomfortable. I apologize in advance if my post is difficult to follow, as I have extreme difficulty getting/staying asleep at night, especially during the past 2 years.

    My name is Kelly, and I was sexually abused by my 3 (now former) stepbrothers periodically from the ages of 9-16. My family sided with the perpetrators, and I either was to shoulder all of the blame, or "part" of the blame. The only way my stepbrothers were ever confronted was a question asked simply "did you do it?" and of course, their answer was always "no" and it was left at that. During school, I dressed in a long "London Fog" winter coat, and avoided other children at all costs to the point where my mother made me join either band or chorus to force me to socialize (the best decision she ever made. Never again have I been able to bring myself to participate in any long term social gatherings of any kind). Outside of school, I lived in my bedroom complete with bells and necklaces around my doorknob, 'booby traps', if you will, leading to my bed, nightlight and a fan (I still cannot sleep without the fan, if I can sleep at night at all) because without it, I could clearly hear someone lurking outside of my bedroom window during the wee hours of the morning-Although, when I woke my mother up, she would assure me no one was there and sent me back to bed.

    A couple of years after my mother finally split up with my stepfather, she decided to tell me why. Not long after I was kicked out of the house, my stepfather drilled a hole from my former bedroom closet thru to the bathroom so he could videotape my sister using the shower via the reflection in the large bathroom mirror. She also informed me that another hole had been found between the bedroom and bathroom downstairs at my stepfather's mountain cabin that pointed to the toilet. Finally she believed me about the noises in the middle of the night outside of my bedroom window, because, as it turned out, my stepfather had also been lurking about the house masturbating to the sight of my sister sleeping. Out of fear of retribution, she had destroyed the tape of my sister showering in the presence of my stepfather, and he had quickly spackled the hole in my former bedroom closet. At that point, she left.

    No charges were ever filed, because at that time, charges had to be made by the victim, and I had already been threatened that I'd never see my mother or sister again so of course, I never consented to any charges.

    During my pregnancy with my eldest son, I briefly participated in group sessions entitled "Daughters and Sons, United". That didn't last long when I realized I was the only one who had family turn against them and, that mine were the only perpetrators that remained free.

    During my pregnancy with my youngest daughter in 1999 to February of 2000 when I gave birth, I began noticing severe, strange emotional problems within myself. I immediately went to the Mental Health facility to seek help. After telling about my experiences, I was told then that I have "severe PTSD" and she began to set me up with a Psychiatrist for medications. At that point, I chickened out and never truly sought help like that again for fear of what else they might come up with.

    In 2001, I had my first full fledged I-don't-know-what. But I could not help but constantly checking the locks on the doors and windows, checking on the kids, and not being able to get to sleep unless someone was already awake. Even then, I couldn't stay asleep. At one point, I swore I saw someone in my backyard bend over to pick up something and when I bolted to the door to see, no one was there. I don't know what happened in one year, but it seemed I had lost my ever-loving mind. The intensity eventually subsided quite a bit for a long while, only to come back and nail me again and again until 2004.

    The episode (I guess that's what to call it) in 2004 hit me like a ton of bricks and lasted the longest of all, and it has never gone fully away even to this day. I find myself endlessly checking locks, windows (if even one of the blinds gets out of place, I cannot help but completely close it. It feels like someone's looking at me through it) fighting for a halfway decent sleep schedule, horrible dreams (often gory), horrible thoughts that come out of nowhere, God forbid my kids get up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom... They have to announce it to me so I don't scare them by my fright. But worst of all... It seems like my heart has grown completely cold much of the time. I don't feel a thing, even things that I should have some feeling for. I have no real life friends, and the few I had, I never felt the urge to keep in touch even if they live close by. I'm afraid to leave the house, even to just drop the kids off at school. I never go anywhere completely alone.

    However, amidst all the daily (and nightly) turmoil, I am a firm believer in counting my blessings and living life to its fullest even though I honestly feel incapacitated. I live by laughter and by conjuring as much happiness as I possibly can. I do my best to try to remain fully objective and by always thinking things through. It's a tough life, and I look forward to talking with others who share many of the same difficulties I face day to day.
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  3. Farmer

    Farmer Active Member

    Hello Kells it's nice to meet you:)
  4. Kells

    Kells Active Member

    Nice to meet you too :)
  5. anthony

    anthony Silently Watching Founder

    Welcome to the forum kells... glad you found a place your comfortable with, and yes, we do understand what you are going through, as we are/have gone through it ourselves. Glad to have you here, and look forward to chatting with you.

    I will come back to this later to discuss...
  6. Kells

    Kells Active Member

    I've read through a lot of the forums and postings tonight, I haven't yet fully explored the website here, but from what I have seen so far, this looks like the very thing I (and many others out there I'm certain) have needed for quite a very long time. Thank you Anthony, I look forward to discussing with you later when you find the time. I can tell you're quite busy from your posts I have read tonight. Thank you and all of the other moderators for creating this forum for us. I can tell it's going to be a tremendous help :)
  7. Nam

    Nam I'm a VIP

    Welcome Kelly. Your post was heart wrenching to say the least. I'm afraid that there are others here on this forum that have gone through similar childhood tragedies. I being amongst them. I feel for you. I want you to know that with good therapy, guidance, and just pure determination, you can get better. Imagine being able to enjoy your day. Enjoy one of your child's smiles...or even the little things like brushing coffee grime from your teeth (that was me this morning..hehehe)

    Do you have anyone other than your children living with you? I feel like you carry such a burden keeping yourself and your children safe. It would be good to share that burden with someone else. Do you have any close friends or relatives that know what is going on? We are here for you and hope that you continue posting about your struggles because sometimes just thinking things through to write them down helps. Then the added plus is getting responses.

    Take care,
  8. piglet

    piglet Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the club Kells!
  9. YoungAndAngry

    YoungAndAngry Well-Known Member

    Hi Kells! Welcome to our community!
  10. purdyamos

    purdyamos Active Member

    Hi Kells ! Welcome. I like the spirit you showed at the end of your post. I try to be like that too, but sometimes I end up feeling devestated because the struggle is too much. I hope you can find more hope here.
  11. Kells

    Kells Active Member

    Hello Piglet, YoungandAngry, Purdy and Nam :) It's good to meet all of you, and thank you for the welcome :)

    Hello, Nam, thank you for the warm welcome as well :)
    The answer to your post is yes. I have quite a full house here hehe. My husband (a 100% disabled combat vet-USMC, medically retired- who suffers from bi polar disorder and also has PTSD), and 6 children. Four boys and two girls from the ages of 6 to 14 :) As for close relatives or friends, unfortunately, I don't. My father and his side of the family live several hours away, my mother and sister live in a different state. I rarely communicate with anyone else in my family primarily due to their response to the abuse years ago. I decided that was best because I didn't want my children to be around folks who would blame the molested over the molestor. I want my kids to know that if anyone ever hurt them (God forbid), that they don't have to be afraid of me turning my back on them like they did.
  12. kimG

    kimG Well-Known Member

    Welcome Kelly; we're glad you found us! Feel free to rant, rave, scream, cry, yell, and whatever else you need to do. Spill your guts if you need to (if you can); there's nothing that would surprise us here as we've all been through something terrible that caused our PTSD.

    As Nam said, there are people here who have gone through similar events in our life. I am one of them. My therapist says I should feel proud to be a survivor, but I haven't found a way for me believe it's okay to be proud (issues from childhood). My story is on one of the threads (as much as I remember); read it if you can find it. If not, PM me and I'll tell you all about it!

    Just know you are in good company where we all know the feelings and emotions (or lack thereof) you are going through.

    Oh, and I like your name; it's also the name of my first-born daughter!

  13. anthony

    anthony Silently Watching Founder

    Whoh..... both you and your husband have PTSD!!!

    I am curious to this one kelly... is it easier or harder to get along with both of you having PTSD? I have a theory to this, and that is; if both people within a relationship have PTSD, and both people know how to control that PTSD, then their relationship would actually be quite tight compared to a sufferer with non-sufferer. My theory is based loosely around the fact that having a partner who has PTSD, means you have a partner that 100% understands what your feeling, because they are feeling the same things. I think it would work something like a mutual support mechanism.

    As you are living this, what is your perception on your relationship and household with both adults having PTSD?
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