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PTSD - Abuse, Beaten, Raped and Life Itself

Discussion in 'Introductions' started by Regina21, Jul 13, 2007.

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  1. Regina21

    Regina21 New Member

    I was molested as a child and dont remember most of my childhood, not even the incident. All I can remember is always knowing about sex. My mother had several children by different men and I was physically abused by a couple, including my own father. My dad is crazy and ever since I was about 5 he has called me a whore like my mother. He takes vicodin and yells at me all day long now but no longer hits me. I know this sounds weird to some people but I lost my mother to a drug overdose and he is all I have in this world. My mom had ptsd and was molested so she partied all the time until mothers day 3 years ago overdosed. She is currently a vegetable and sometimes I blame myself for not trying to help her enough. I raised my 2 younger siblings at age 13 and dropped out of high school. I dated a criminal who was 19 for 4 years until he beat me and tried to kill me. He is now in prison for several years. My parents sent me to a school for out of control teens as I was running away and doing drugs/drinking. I finished my high school in there through home studies and came out at 16 graduated on the honor roll. I was then raped by someone I knew and found out a month later I was pregnant. My father forced me to have an abortion at 4 months, and asked me if I knew who the father was. I still have dreams about all the vlood and screaming no! I hated men after that and started dancing, to spite them. Probably doesn't make sense to some people but I felt like taking their money was a game, and it made me feel sexy. Guys always fell in love with me and I would end up leaving and hurting them (not intentionally) in the end. After I lost my mom at 18 I stopped everything that I did to hurt myself. I got a personal trainer enrolled in college and started living a healthy lifestyle. I only date intelligent men and try to be the best person I can be. I act every day of my life and pretend that I am normal and none of this happened to me. I am 21 years old now and have friends that could not ever picture me the way I use to be and they will never know. I started seeing a counsiler because I go through times when I can't remember the pain and then boom it hits me and I hide in my bathroom in tears. I start shaking and then it goes away, its followed by depression and thoughts of harming myself that I would never carry out. She says since I had so many traumatic events happen (even more than whats listed) its normal to have ptsd, anxiety and depression. I feel like running away all the time and hate having these episodes, especially when I drink. I always have a smile on my face and pretend that everything is fine but in all reality I am scared and don't feel normal. Can anyone relate? I have never met anyone who has had all these things happen to them. I always feel alone.
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  3. nurse1

    nurse1 Active Member

    yeah i can ralate to you

    I had an very abusive childhood. Dont what to go into Details. Then I did dance for sometime. For several years. And that was a way of punishing myself really. I hated every guy that came in and love taking every bit of money I could from them. I did very well at a very nice club. At least five hundred a night. One of the top money makers there. I would do things like be so sweet until I had all their cash and made sure they went to the ATM. After that I might of promised to give my number. When I knew they had spent all they were going to I would walk away. If they ask about my number I got such a thrill out of saying "Are you crazy dumass" Something mean like that. I hated ever man in that club. I didnt like anyone looking at me in a sexy way actually. For me I was abusive toward myself and trying to get even with them. That was back in the day. I am older and have back to school and changed my life. But the past always comes back until you deal with it. I am 36 and just dealing with it.
    I found guys that were shit. Now I have a great guy. I think when your abused you tend to migrate to people that will hurt you. Glad to hear at such a young age you have learned that. I had to go threw alot of trama before I stopped putting myself in bad situations. Because that club was the only place I got even in some sick way. Personally I found people that were mean to me. I dont have the words to explain to you.
    Sounds like you are on the right track see a good thearipist. I dont believe that their are many out there. Be very cautions. I had to go threw Five before I found the right one. One of my best friends thats been in the field recommed him and saids all his patients get better. I got lucky.
    Take it easy on yourself. Your going to go threw pain. I was told that I was finally at peace with no trama and my body and mind were tring to catch up and hell itself. Take care
  4. She Cat

    She Cat Policy Enforcement Banned Premium Member Sponsor $100+

    Hi Regina

    I was molested as a child too, had a lot of abuse in my life. As I became a teenager I started to act out. I was angry, and the more I acted out, I became more angry. By the time I was an adult, I was still acting out, and men were my target. I would play the game of being involved, and in love, then when I knew I had them.... I would walk away, and hurt them. I equated sex as love, and love as sex. I was a mess. It all came to an end when I finally ended up in a ward, and was FINALLY diagnosed with PTSD. For years I just thought I was nuts, and this was my life.

    I screwed up my life, I ended up pregnant very young, and completely screwed up my daughters life too. I take responsibility for that.

    I am glad that you are still very young, and have the time to get help while you are young.... I'm so sorry for what you have been through.....

    I quit drinking... It was one of my ways to get brave, and when I was drunk nothing mattered to me.

    I was thrown out of school at 15, got my GED at age 36, entered college and did 1 yr before I had to drop out. I couln't keep up with a full schedule, working 40 hours a week, my daughter, and driving back and forth 1 hour a day. Too much.

    My suggestions.......Stay healthy, keep up with therapy, face your PTSD, face you trauma, triggers, and anxiety, work hard to overcome this, and you will be able to have a much better life.......You are in therapy, so it's a GREAT start. Hang in there.... You show that you are a survivor, and have tons of willpower.......Give yourself tons of credit for what you have been through and for coming out alive......


  5. Shinigami_Shimai

    Shinigami_Shimai Active Member

    I went through alot of sexual assault over my childhood as well, including being part of a child porn ring, which I don't remember much about... I also was known for clubbing, but I ended up chasing girls around instead of men. I became very boiish and would always find myself in some woman's bed and then running away. I never took money from anyone and was more willing to live off the street then to take anything from anyone, I think that was because my father liked to pay his kids off to get us to act properly. I became addicted to sex and yet and I had no heart and in turn ended up hurting alot of people and hate myself so much for those days. I was so messed up that for some reason I kept thinking that kissing a girl would take their worried away and I thought that everyone was only interested in getting into my pants. Funny thing is that I never turned to drinking or drugs to cope with the insanity. Instead I was addicted to cutting and drinking milk... I'm really messed up... Who tortures herself by watching emotional films to force myself to break down from time to time...

    Anyways, Welcome to the board. I wish you all the luck with your struggles.

    jaa ne

  6. anthony

    anthony Silently Watching Founder

    Hi Regina, welcome to the forum. Well... for meeting people with whom those things have happened, you will actually find a few here, even following the same course you did, ie. abused childhood, raped, beaten, become a stripper, come out the other side... there are women here who followed this exact same pattern of behaviour. Why a pattern? Because thats what happens when your abused as a child, you contain so much pain, spite and hatred towards those who took from you what was not theirs to take!

    Welcome aboard and read lots, and let me just say, there is plenty of support here for you.
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