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Supporter Ptsd addiction emotional abuse so much happening!

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GraceGrace

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I know this is a forum about PTSD. My husband has PTSD. And we are having some problems. But I don’t really know where to start to get online peer support because….He also has a very addictive personality, has been an alcoholic, is currently smoking pot and has a gaming addiction. Also he is being emotionally abusive towards me and my girls. He may be a narcissist, I can’t really peg that down. Also, somehow I got the idea that he could be missing a diagnosis and treatment of ADHD, which he displays the sypmtoms of also. So I may go crazy and post in all sorts of forums looking for helpful advice. I am hoping that someone here can relate to someone having many issues though. It could all boil down to PTSD….it could be something else. I have NO clue right now. This is so complicated. And I feel for him, I love him.

But I also feel for myself. I have PTSD also (not from combat like him but from a prioir relationship and possibly this one), anxiety, severe panic disorder currently, and depression. And I just sort of woke up after years of being on the wrong medication and being overmedicated to the point of being a zombie…and a lot of disassociating. In fact, my girls noticed a lot more dysfunction than I did over the years. I blocked so much out. And things are just now becoming clear.

I have a knack for attracting the same type of guy. It’s a psychological thing and I’m very aware of it. Of course I only became aware of it after I had fallen in love with my husband. I also grew up very sheltered and am a very naïve person. So when I met my husband who was already out of the service, I (nor he) had any idea he had PTSD. It was especially not apparent because he was a functioning alcoholic. At first I didn’t think his drinking was a problem, because he was functioning so it tricked me. But people around us were talking to him about going to the VA hospitals, getting tested and getting benefits. (also medication). And I began to notice that everytime he drank he became very angry and mean with me and I couldn’t take it.

So we began to do the VA thing. He ended up with a psychologist he loved, and took the meds willingly. He admitted to how much he was drinking and his psychologist wanted him to cut back and stop. My husband would tell me he had cut back or stopped when he in fact was doing it behind my back….for years. We’ve been together since 2005….he just recently “stopped for good” after coming home drunk last September in 2017. He never really seems to totally stop though….ever. Taking shots at my daughter’s wedding. Which luckily didn’t turn out into a drunken night for him.

This psychiatrist never pushed any sort of counseling onto him. We have tried numerous types of counseling. One ending very quickly with a fight in with the counselor. One ending because we didn’t stay on top of going to see a counselor who was retiring and doing us a favor by taking us under his wing for another year. We did horse therapy, which was wonderful, until the human therapist noticed that my husband needed to do some alone work with the horses….horses mind you. He was done. I have come to realize that when it comes to doing emotional work on himself, he is simply not willing to do it. He has said he will do special therapy, like where they come to your house and you work on projects and talk…but I doubt it…he wouldn’t even talk to a horse.

I ordered a book about emotional abuse about a year back. It showed up on his Kindle and he came in pouting. But he was genuinely sorry and said he was indeed emotionally abusive. I told him that he can read the book as well, it’s made for both people. He never did read it. I’ve brought it up again recently and he still has yet to pursue it. He flat out said he won’t go to counseling at this point. Now he won’t read a book. I’ve sent him articles, he ignores them.

The worst thing though is the emotional abuse. He will rage at me. A lot. He will be snippy, and if I try to stand up for myself, he will raise his voice and tell me I’m looking for a fight. It’s just gotten ridiculous and out of control. And he seems to have no remorse. I can’t help but wonder if that’s the pot talking.

And so one day I just straight up asked him why he keeps getting mad at me. He said he wasn’t getting mad at me (which he really was), but that he was getting frustrated trying to juggle the gaming and what I needed in real life. OH DUH, I thought to myself. I’ve been getting onto him about neglecting me, the dogs, his share of chores which are minimal, etc because of the gaming. But, I was not thinking of it as an addiction…duh. I ended up visiting a website about it, that reminded me I had been there years before for the same thing.

We’ve tried moderation and agreeing on that. When it comes to drinking, videos, pot, everything. He breaks the promises he makes everytime….and later comes back and says he was lying when he said he agreed with me that I was right. He doesn’t think I’m right. So I know that if he’s going to stop doing anything he’s addicted to, he’s going to have to decide to on his own.

Since my med switch, which was what opened my eyes, I have been very depressed and anxious. The new meds are not doing it for me. I have had to wait to see a psychiatrist to get them changed. So I am very sensitive right now, like, without a buffer. But I am not being nonsensical about anything that is happening. He keeps trying to make me out to be ridiculous and gaslighting me, but I’m not falling for it. Our marriage is falling apart and it has just merely survived on obliviousness for years now.

I am very quickly coming to a place I hate being in. A place where I may have to start making plans to leave or have him leave since it’s my house. And honestly I’m heartbroken.

He upsets me everyday, and I would write him an email asking to talk about it. He wants that to stop….or for me to change my tone. An emotional abuser and neglectful person wants a hurt and angry person to change her tone. Uggh. I decided to stop emailing him, except for one email, where I explain that I have noticed him doing some more of the chores, but I am asking him to do some “emotional work” and he hasn’t seen that email yet.

I want to be there for him and take care of him and understand he has PTSD that he can’t help it and all that. But in reality I just can’t do it. I NEED someone who can be emotionally connected to me. Many parts of me wish that wasn’t reality but it is.

I am beyond sad.

Thank you for listening, and I welcome any advice, critique, anything…hugs, chocolates, bubble gum….OK going too far now.

Grace
 
Ptsd is not an excuse for being an a******. PTSD is not an excuse for being abusive. PTSD screws up your life because it screws up how you think of things. But those things won't get fixed unless the person chooses to fix them

It sounds like you're in an awful relationship and he's using PTSD as the excuse for why he treats you like he does.

I think poking around on this site might help you see how other supporters set boundaries, how they stick to those boundaries, and what they do when their sufferers are acting like this. It might also help to do some counseling on your own?
 
Also he is being emotionally abusive towards me and my girls.

I began to notice that everytime he drank he became very angry and mean with me and I couldn’t take it.

The worst thing though is the emotional abuse. He will rage at me. A lot.

In my mind and heart, emotional abuse is just as damaging to the victim as physical abuse. You and your girls do not deserve to be abused.

I am very quickly coming to a place I hate being in. A place where I may have to start making plans to leave or have him leave since it’s my house. And honestly I’m heartbroken.

I understand your feeling. This may very well be what you need to do for you and your girls. I would be heartbroken too.

@Freida above ^^^ is very correct in her post. I agree 100%

Gentle hug if appropriate and you accept.
 
It sounds to me like neither of you have a clear understanding of what's going on with either one of you. He needs help and so do you. It's ok to get help for yourself..Without him.
He's not ready yet.
Get help for yourself but also set boundaries. If you don't it'll be crazy making. It's ok to ask him to leave until he either gets help or you decide what you want out of this.
 
I actually agree with all of you. Working on myself in counseling is coming very soon. I am trying to wait until a med adjustment from the psychiatrist first. Then trying to figure out if I should go the Vet Center route or the Women's Domestic Abuse Shelter for counseling. Thank you all. Oh and he's caved a little, but keeps coming up with reasons why he shouldn't do emotional work (like I should see a counselor first, I should get my meds changed first, he shouldn't be held responsible for any past trauma-which i am not even asking him to do or help with)
 
I know this is a forum about PTSD. My husband has PTSD. And we are having some problems. But I do...
My heart goes out to you. My husband has a gaming addiction as well. He literally spent 20 hours straight playing this weekend, not to make this about me. If you need someone who can relate though I'm your girl. It really sucks when they do that. Something that has helped me is a book called Love without hurt.
 
I actually agree with all of you. Working on myself in counseling is coming very soon. I am trying...

Look at the Cohen Center if they have one in your area. I preferrd them over the VetCenter. The VetCenter also asks for the Vet to come in and do an assessment first whereas the Cohen Center does not.
 
He may be a narcissist.... he could be missing a diagnosis and treatment of ADHD, which he displays the symptoms....
I always thought of my husband as a narcissist yet he didn't quite fit the bill in all ways. He never wanted to be the center of attention though he drew attention to himself. I learned that is quite common with those who have ADHD. As it turns out my husband has ADHD. He was officially diagnosed just this year at the age of 75. So many problems in our marriage could have been averted had my husband's previous therapists got his diagnosis correct. It's better late than never I suppose. Now we're finally getting along and having less problems all because I understand him better.

Many of the negative behaviors of ADHD are similar to PTSD so that ramps up the problem with the ADHD and vice versa the PTSD. Let me see, right off I think of irritability, doesn't handle stressful situations well, and can't handle changes in routine.

Self medicating with various activities and drugs is common with those who have ADHD.
 
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