GraceGrace
New Here
I know this is a forum about PTSD. My husband has PTSD. And we are having some problems. But I don’t really know where to start to get online peer support because….He also has a very addictive personality, has been an alcoholic, is currently smoking pot and has a gaming addiction. Also he is being emotionally abusive towards me and my girls. He may be a narcissist, I can’t really peg that down. Also, somehow I got the idea that he could be missing a diagnosis and treatment of ADHD, which he displays the sypmtoms of also. So I may go crazy and post in all sorts of forums looking for helpful advice. I am hoping that someone here can relate to someone having many issues though. It could all boil down to PTSD….it could be something else. I have NO clue right now. This is so complicated. And I feel for him, I love him.
But I also feel for myself. I have PTSD also (not from combat like him but from a prioir relationship and possibly this one), anxiety, severe panic disorder currently, and depression. And I just sort of woke up after years of being on the wrong medication and being overmedicated to the point of being a zombie…and a lot of disassociating. In fact, my girls noticed a lot more dysfunction than I did over the years. I blocked so much out. And things are just now becoming clear.
I have a knack for attracting the same type of guy. It’s a psychological thing and I’m very aware of it. Of course I only became aware of it after I had fallen in love with my husband. I also grew up very sheltered and am a very naïve person. So when I met my husband who was already out of the service, I (nor he) had any idea he had PTSD. It was especially not apparent because he was a functioning alcoholic. At first I didn’t think his drinking was a problem, because he was functioning so it tricked me. But people around us were talking to him about going to the VA hospitals, getting tested and getting benefits. (also medication). And I began to notice that everytime he drank he became very angry and mean with me and I couldn’t take it.
So we began to do the VA thing. He ended up with a psychologist he loved, and took the meds willingly. He admitted to how much he was drinking and his psychologist wanted him to cut back and stop. My husband would tell me he had cut back or stopped when he in fact was doing it behind my back….for years. We’ve been together since 2005….he just recently “stopped for good” after coming home drunk last September in 2017. He never really seems to totally stop though….ever. Taking shots at my daughter’s wedding. Which luckily didn’t turn out into a drunken night for him.
This psychiatrist never pushed any sort of counseling onto him. We have tried numerous types of counseling. One ending very quickly with a fight in with the counselor. One ending because we didn’t stay on top of going to see a counselor who was retiring and doing us a favor by taking us under his wing for another year. We did horse therapy, which was wonderful, until the human therapist noticed that my husband needed to do some alone work with the horses….horses mind you. He was done. I have come to realize that when it comes to doing emotional work on himself, he is simply not willing to do it. He has said he will do special therapy, like where they come to your house and you work on projects and talk…but I doubt it…he wouldn’t even talk to a horse.
I ordered a book about emotional abuse about a year back. It showed up on his Kindle and he came in pouting. But he was genuinely sorry and said he was indeed emotionally abusive. I told him that he can read the book as well, it’s made for both people. He never did read it. I’ve brought it up again recently and he still has yet to pursue it. He flat out said he won’t go to counseling at this point. Now he won’t read a book. I’ve sent him articles, he ignores them.
The worst thing though is the emotional abuse. He will rage at me. A lot. He will be snippy, and if I try to stand up for myself, he will raise his voice and tell me I’m looking for a fight. It’s just gotten ridiculous and out of control. And he seems to have no remorse. I can’t help but wonder if that’s the pot talking.
And so one day I just straight up asked him why he keeps getting mad at me. He said he wasn’t getting mad at me (which he really was), but that he was getting frustrated trying to juggle the gaming and what I needed in real life. OH DUH, I thought to myself. I’ve been getting onto him about neglecting me, the dogs, his share of chores which are minimal, etc because of the gaming. But, I was not thinking of it as an addiction…duh. I ended up visiting a website about it, that reminded me I had been there years before for the same thing.
We’ve tried moderation and agreeing on that. When it comes to drinking, videos, pot, everything. He breaks the promises he makes everytime….and later comes back and says he was lying when he said he agreed with me that I was right. He doesn’t think I’m right. So I know that if he’s going to stop doing anything he’s addicted to, he’s going to have to decide to on his own.
Since my med switch, which was what opened my eyes, I have been very depressed and anxious. The new meds are not doing it for me. I have had to wait to see a psychiatrist to get them changed. So I am very sensitive right now, like, without a buffer. But I am not being nonsensical about anything that is happening. He keeps trying to make me out to be ridiculous and gaslighting me, but I’m not falling for it. Our marriage is falling apart and it has just merely survived on obliviousness for years now.
I am very quickly coming to a place I hate being in. A place where I may have to start making plans to leave or have him leave since it’s my house. And honestly I’m heartbroken.
He upsets me everyday, and I would write him an email asking to talk about it. He wants that to stop….or for me to change my tone. An emotional abuser and neglectful person wants a hurt and angry person to change her tone. Uggh. I decided to stop emailing him, except for one email, where I explain that I have noticed him doing some more of the chores, but I am asking him to do some “emotional work” and he hasn’t seen that email yet.
I want to be there for him and take care of him and understand he has PTSD that he can’t help it and all that. But in reality I just can’t do it. I NEED someone who can be emotionally connected to me. Many parts of me wish that wasn’t reality but it is.
I am beyond sad.
Thank you for listening, and I welcome any advice, critique, anything…hugs, chocolates, bubble gum….OK going too far now.
Grace
But I also feel for myself. I have PTSD also (not from combat like him but from a prioir relationship and possibly this one), anxiety, severe panic disorder currently, and depression. And I just sort of woke up after years of being on the wrong medication and being overmedicated to the point of being a zombie…and a lot of disassociating. In fact, my girls noticed a lot more dysfunction than I did over the years. I blocked so much out. And things are just now becoming clear.
I have a knack for attracting the same type of guy. It’s a psychological thing and I’m very aware of it. Of course I only became aware of it after I had fallen in love with my husband. I also grew up very sheltered and am a very naïve person. So when I met my husband who was already out of the service, I (nor he) had any idea he had PTSD. It was especially not apparent because he was a functioning alcoholic. At first I didn’t think his drinking was a problem, because he was functioning so it tricked me. But people around us were talking to him about going to the VA hospitals, getting tested and getting benefits. (also medication). And I began to notice that everytime he drank he became very angry and mean with me and I couldn’t take it.
So we began to do the VA thing. He ended up with a psychologist he loved, and took the meds willingly. He admitted to how much he was drinking and his psychologist wanted him to cut back and stop. My husband would tell me he had cut back or stopped when he in fact was doing it behind my back….for years. We’ve been together since 2005….he just recently “stopped for good” after coming home drunk last September in 2017. He never really seems to totally stop though….ever. Taking shots at my daughter’s wedding. Which luckily didn’t turn out into a drunken night for him.
This psychiatrist never pushed any sort of counseling onto him. We have tried numerous types of counseling. One ending very quickly with a fight in with the counselor. One ending because we didn’t stay on top of going to see a counselor who was retiring and doing us a favor by taking us under his wing for another year. We did horse therapy, which was wonderful, until the human therapist noticed that my husband needed to do some alone work with the horses….horses mind you. He was done. I have come to realize that when it comes to doing emotional work on himself, he is simply not willing to do it. He has said he will do special therapy, like where they come to your house and you work on projects and talk…but I doubt it…he wouldn’t even talk to a horse.
I ordered a book about emotional abuse about a year back. It showed up on his Kindle and he came in pouting. But he was genuinely sorry and said he was indeed emotionally abusive. I told him that he can read the book as well, it’s made for both people. He never did read it. I’ve brought it up again recently and he still has yet to pursue it. He flat out said he won’t go to counseling at this point. Now he won’t read a book. I’ve sent him articles, he ignores them.
The worst thing though is the emotional abuse. He will rage at me. A lot. He will be snippy, and if I try to stand up for myself, he will raise his voice and tell me I’m looking for a fight. It’s just gotten ridiculous and out of control. And he seems to have no remorse. I can’t help but wonder if that’s the pot talking.
And so one day I just straight up asked him why he keeps getting mad at me. He said he wasn’t getting mad at me (which he really was), but that he was getting frustrated trying to juggle the gaming and what I needed in real life. OH DUH, I thought to myself. I’ve been getting onto him about neglecting me, the dogs, his share of chores which are minimal, etc because of the gaming. But, I was not thinking of it as an addiction…duh. I ended up visiting a website about it, that reminded me I had been there years before for the same thing.
We’ve tried moderation and agreeing on that. When it comes to drinking, videos, pot, everything. He breaks the promises he makes everytime….and later comes back and says he was lying when he said he agreed with me that I was right. He doesn’t think I’m right. So I know that if he’s going to stop doing anything he’s addicted to, he’s going to have to decide to on his own.
Since my med switch, which was what opened my eyes, I have been very depressed and anxious. The new meds are not doing it for me. I have had to wait to see a psychiatrist to get them changed. So I am very sensitive right now, like, without a buffer. But I am not being nonsensical about anything that is happening. He keeps trying to make me out to be ridiculous and gaslighting me, but I’m not falling for it. Our marriage is falling apart and it has just merely survived on obliviousness for years now.
I am very quickly coming to a place I hate being in. A place where I may have to start making plans to leave or have him leave since it’s my house. And honestly I’m heartbroken.
He upsets me everyday, and I would write him an email asking to talk about it. He wants that to stop….or for me to change my tone. An emotional abuser and neglectful person wants a hurt and angry person to change her tone. Uggh. I decided to stop emailing him, except for one email, where I explain that I have noticed him doing some more of the chores, but I am asking him to do some “emotional work” and he hasn’t seen that email yet.
I want to be there for him and take care of him and understand he has PTSD that he can’t help it and all that. But in reality I just can’t do it. I NEED someone who can be emotionally connected to me. Many parts of me wish that wasn’t reality but it is.
I am beyond sad.
Thank you for listening, and I welcome any advice, critique, anything…hugs, chocolates, bubble gum….OK going too far now.
Grace