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Kay Dee

Hi Kerri-Ann and Anthony

Thank you Anthony for moving my post. I am starting to learn a bit from my brother on how these forums work. But what is a thread?

My brother is probably the one who would be most open to learning more about PTSD, and also the EMDR. He travels quite a bit, but is home on weekends. It seems lately that he has been very busy with his work schedule, so we haven't had much time to talk, but I will make time.

I tend to be irritable around my mother, so I don't think discussing my situation would be a good idea at this time. I am still learning to accept her negative comments for what they are, and that really they are not about me.

I saw my doctor today for med check and discussed the EMDR, and he seems to believe that it will work out very well for me. It will lessen the intruding thoughts and intense emotions I experience sometimes on a daily basis. Therefore, I would be able to function much more comfortably at work and with other people. My appointment is in a week and a half.

Kerri-Ann - I love cats. My buddy was a cat I had for 8 years. His name was Socrates. I called him "Soc" He had so much personality. When I find another house, I am certainly going to have a cat.

I may only be able to check in a few times a week. My job, meetings with the clients, working out keep me pretty busy. But I look forward to talking with people.


Hey Kay,

A thread is the entire topic of this conversation, ie. [DLMURL][/DLMURL] is the thread itself, and it contains individual posts from each of us. So, posts make up a thread, threads make up a forum, and the forums (uniquely) make up the entire forum board. Hope that sounds right?

Let me just say, I absolutely know where your coming from having negative people around you, in that they don't really understand, nor sympathize to what is happening with you. It makes your life a great deal harder to continue. My wife was exactly that, as she knew nothing / little about what I was dealing with, and I had lost emotions to deal with her, so it was definately a two sided event. If my wife or anyone around me would have continued being negative at this point in time, I would have stopped seeing them, whether that be move away and live by myself, that is what would have happened.

I don't have any experience with EMDR, so I hope you can share all that with us when you go through it, but I do know that with the PTSD course itself, they weren't backwards in coming forwards, and telling us we would get worse during the course, before we get better, though that is one of the things bringing everything to the top again and having to deal with it. I hated having to do that, and I am still right now coping with some of the worse parts.

It was only the other day that I told my wife not to go out, as when I returned from a day of course, some of my previous trauma's where hitting me hard, and I was thinking it was easier to go out the back, get a beer, get a smoke, sit in my chair, slash my wrists and bleed to death, just to end it all. But they where only thoughts, which something that I have learnt during the course to deal with, which really helped me a lot at that point. What was certainly positive and stood out for me, in that the course and techniques where helping, is that my mood only lasted for just over an hour, and then I was fine again. Before attending this type of therapy, I may off not even talked for a few days... literally.

I guess, bringing the worst things to the top and dealing with them head on, has helped me a lot, though its not just that, its learning techniques and other skills that comprise my overall new sanity level.

I really hope that EMDR does something similar for you. As you know, there is no cure for what we have, but with techniques, we can learn to live with it, though we will always have our ups and downs, I guess its just the intensity of those ups and downs that should get better, and I am already noticing mine are.

This forum is a good example of me getting better than I was, as I wouldn't generally talk about these kind of things, nor make it public. I don't care if people judge me anymore, as those who have the illness, and those who understand it, are the ones that will be close with me, and those that just reject it, can leave me alone.

I'm really glad you have come here though, as it helps me, and more importantly, helps you vent things also, and just to discuss things, whether public or private (private messaging through the forum), and feel a little better about yourself.
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Kay Dee

Kay Dee


Thank you for your note. I think I understand what a thread(s) is. If I do post something in the wrong place, or go somewhere I'm not supposed to, just let me know.

I hand it to you for facing the "hard stuff" head on. It does sound like for you as time goes on you learn and practice ways to deal with each day. That's what I'm looking forward to. I know it's not all going to be uphill. I expect that there will be days when I will not want to see another day. But I am hoping that the EMDR sessions will be beneficial in lessening the intensity of my emotions. And hopefully, the therapist can show me some techniques to use in the rough times. Yes, I will certainly let you know how it goes.

Do you find even though people in your life may understand, or try to understand, the PTSD that you still feel "alone"? I know supportive people can make a big difference at times, and yet I still feel detached. And maybe that is my way of dealing with trust issues. My brother can be supportive, and yet he seems to be confused as to why I "have a label". My brother and I have some deep philosophical discussions. He seems to think most people have control over what they experience. I tend to believe that experience is what we learn from. I love my brother dearly. We have some pretty wild conversations at times. I guess that is what makes the world go around.

I tend to babble on at times. It was a long afternoon at work.

You are fortunate that Kerri-Ann has learned much about PTSD. I bet that makes it easier for you.

Have a nice day!


Kay Dee said:
Do you find even though people in your life may understand, or try to understand, the PTSD that you still feel "alone"?

I did, but not so much now! This is why us with PTSD, tend to relate automatically to others with PTSD, as we don't need to explain what is going on with ourselves, as each other already knows. One thing that has stood out to us all on course, is that whilst we all have different stories that derived our PTSD, the symptoms are all the same for each one off us. That is something that stood us all up to take notice, were not alone!

I have days where all I want to do is be left alone. I will never work again now, well; not for an employer anyway. I can work for myself, though even that is limited nowadays, as I lose concentration too easily and so forth. Luckily, my financials are sorted. One less stress. But lots of things still stress me... though I am now managing that much better than I was.

What has jumped out at me, is that most things emotionally, came out as anger. That alone was then making me angrier at being angry for no apparent logical reason. Go figure? This [DLMURL=""]PTSD iceberg[/DLMURL], that we came up with on the current course, really helped me put things in perspective with anger and my emotions. Helping that, also helped me really come to terms that "I'm not the only one", as such, and that others are having just as hard a time as me.

Some people suffered anxiety more, some depression, some anger, some a combination, and then the good old favourite, alcohol and substance abuse (attempting to avoid and suppress the emotions), which for me definately just didn't work.

Wow, I don't think you have to worry about "rambling" here, as I'm just as bad as you are. I feel so good just talking to others now about "our" issues, and how hopefully we can all help one another.

Kay Dee said:
My brother can be supportive, and yet he seems to be confused as to why I "have a label".

I have the same problems, though I just tend to put it down to lack of experience. The fact of the matter is, is that others haven't suffered and gained the problems associated with trauma, and unless they do, they will never fully understand. Our counsellors tell us that right from start, they understand, but do not know the exact impact it has, even though they are experts in PTSD, they don't have PTSD.

One off our course counsellors mentioned that someone did a study in how to improve counsellors responses to war like trauma, in a hope the counsellors would then understand what is going on inside those with PTSD from war service. Well, they sent them out in a war zone, to follow troops into battle, unarmed, where they could study the effects. Most of the counsellors committed suicide, and the others have PTSD and are too sick to work anymore. When they told a room full of us veterans that they did this, we basically all said at the same time, "no shit", what do you expect they would do? The soldiers had weapons, a safety net I guess, they had nothing, but still the same environment and experience the soldiers where getting. That study went very very bad, and won't we done again anytime soon I imagine!

So, I am the one that had to learn to cope with those around me not fully understanding what is going on with me, not the other way around. My wife has gained valuable knowledge, but even she still says at times, "she doesn't fully understand"! I don't know if that is right or not, but it worked for me anyway.

Kay Dee said:
You are fortunate that Kerri-Ann has learned much about PTSD. I bet that makes it easier for you.

Oh yer... her learning some aspects of how to deal with those with PTSD, have certainly helped me. Then again, the relationship groups that we did on the course did the most for us both, as it split the difference from PTSD related events, to just normal life and relationship problems. My wife tended to blame lots on my PTSD, where a lot of things where just relationship issues, but because neither off us could see that, we just got on the arguement merry-go-round until she gave in, as PTSD had then kicked in for me at that point of anger and frustration, in which I just shut down.

I could be shutoff for a week, easy, before learning what I know now. I know that isn't right, nor normal behaviour, so I make an effort to tell myself those things and apoligise. I think that is the toughest word for us with PTSD... "SORRY", as it just doesn't get used enough...

And you reckon you ramble... I reckon I could give you a run for your money here!!! So many things come in to my head at once, I guess I just tend to go everywhere when typing...

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Kay Dee

Kay Dee

Hi Anthony:

Oh, you can ramble on as much as you want. I am relating most things with you very well. Like emotions - especially anger. I have recently been having a problem with rage (which seems to come from nowhere), and great pressure in my head. This seems worse at work. I took six days off, and found the pressure and rage to lessen. Then when I returned to work, I began to experience the rage again. What I have found I am doing, to keep things "cool" at work, is to "detach". I mean really detach. Sometimes working with the clients I do who have developmental disabilities, I need to stay "present" emotionally to be more in tune with their needs, etc. But right now, I am finding a couple of things helping. I am e-mailing back and forth with my therapist, and trying relaxation, crafts, going to the fitness center and working out. And also this forum, and talking with you has been helping. I seem to be more in touch with my experiences, rather than disregarding them as "wrong" or "unusual". So thank you for sharing.

Saying sorry, or admitting I am wrong, yes, I find hard to do. I guess with anger, depression it is far from my mind at times. On top of that I can be a stubborn person, or "self-determined" I call it. But admitting I am wrong at the appropriate times can make a difference in relationships, whether they be family, friends, or work. But as I mentioned when I first signed on here, I do also have a tough time with trusting. Without going into great detail of my cause for PTSD, I had a five-year long relationship with my therapist, in which she used a lot of hypnosis, I was convinced for almost the whole five years that someone was following me trying to kill me; that my family/friends were out to destroy me, and that I was not to trust my doctor. Reason: She stated they (and I as a child) were involved in a satanic cult (or government conspiracy - to her they were the same). I lived in fear for five years. I locked myself away in my house; worked out of my home. Never went anywhere except for groceries and appointments. And I almost discarded my family and friends to move to another part of the US. She gave me her home phone number, and convinced me she was the only one I could trust.

Now growing up I believed I was quite independent, (stubborn) and had a mind of my own. But what happened is I started seeing her at a time when I was most vulnerable - with severe depression and anxiety. Fortunately, when I finally took a class at a local college, I began to have doubts, and contacted a cousin who I did not know real well. He is a clinical psychologist. I called him to get an objective opinion. I explained the situation to him. And from there I stopped seeing the therapist; went to my doctor and told him what was going on (the therapist was not documenting this stuff so my doctor had no clue); and got an attorney.

Now even though she lost her license, was sued and is no longer in this area, I have lost 10 years of my life due to that experience. My 30's. I am now 46. In the last two years my emotions/issues/symptoms have become very intense. I am constantly anxious and on guard. I go through bouts with depression, then into rage for days at a time. And like you explained, I have just plain shut myself down. Don't want to live. Don't want to get up. Don't want to talk to anyone. And I have a lot of "remembering" on a daily basis.
So this is all why I am hoping that the EMDR will work for me. I am praying so.

I just realized, I have told you more than I've told my family or co-workers.
Wow. My hardest thought about that whole experience is when I think how stupid I was to let her convince me of all that crap. Growing up I thought I had a better head on my shoulders than that. I wouldn't have allowed anyone to convince me of anything if I didn't think it was right. Yes, I was vulnerable, which is why I am so careful about trusting.

I agree that therapists can understand, listen, be supportive. But they cannot "know" what PTSD feels like. Right now, I have a wonderful therapist who is so open to hear about the experience each time I remember something else. And will support my decisions. I will miss her while I'm going through the EMDR. But I will resume therapy with her afterwards.

I couldn't even imagine what it would be like to be in a war. I know TV couldn't possibly come close to the real experience. I am happy you have come this far, and hope you continue in the direction you are going. I am thus far learning a lot from you. And most of all, relating to you in regards to the PTSD. My goal is to allow the intruding thoughts to just flow out just as they seeped in.

Speaking of rambling. . . Thank you again, and talk to you soon.


When I started the PTSD course, everyone had to be interviewed previously, to make sure they where at a stable level to hopefully sustain the course, ie. illegal drugs, severe alcohol abuse, etc etc. What our coordinator (Martha) said to me, was that the getting to the course is the hardest part, and then remaining for the first two days came as the next hardest. She was so right. I thought I had my PTSD, apart from anger, under control, but how wrong I was. I was anxious two weeks before the introductory luncheon, the day before the course started. To no surprise, so where all the other participants, after getting there and talking to them at that lunch.

I had pains across my chest, that progressively got tighter and tighter, until they released after that luncheon. Anxiety at its worst I guess??? Basically, just getting there was tough. No doubt you will most likely feel the same with EMDR. My anger at the start of the course was quite high, meaning; any little thing could set me off. I controlled it though, simply by removing myself from the situation. I was still angry, but I wasn't going to release my hostility on those around me that actually didn't deserve it.

Driving was another issue... "road rage", ie. anger. It was always everyone else's fault on the road, slow driving, going the same way as me, not moving quick enough, moving too quick, driving too fast, not letting me overtake, overtaking me, etc etc. Just writing this, I am thinking to myself, "what the hell was I thinking?". These are not normal reactions to simply driving a car. I had to calm myself down, breathe deeply, think about other things, such as; maybe the other driver in a rush has PTSD! Maybe the other driver has an emergency! Maybe the other driver is just senile! etc etc. Thinking those things whilst driving, have calmed me down quite dramatically.

I learnt that the cues for anger are so great, there must be another explanation. The fact is, is that PTSD has little to do with anger really, its just we stop showing other emotions as they are, and tend to show them all as anger. This little "[DLMURL=""]iceberg[/DLMURL]" the group came up with, really explained things to lots of us in feeling anger. I guess the thing I didn't like, is that it was true... I hate it when I'm wrong! PTSD has a lot to do with that, and stubborness, unfortunately.

The good I guess, is that there are things we can do to help us personally control our anger, though saying that, whilst one thing may work for one, it may not work for another. Some ideas that came out on my course where:

  • Withdraw from the situation
  • Walk away, and come back later to discuss when calm
  • Find an alternative
  • Think safety
  • Breathe for 5 seconds, say nothing, then answer
  • The 54321 technique
    - 5 things I can see
    - 4 things I can touch/feel
    - 3 things I can hear
    - 2 things I can smell
    - 1 thing I can say to myself or do right now to feel better
Generally after some of those, you tend to feel better, and more relaxed to deal with a situation or person. You really have to apply them though, as none of them just work immediately. You have to practise them. One of the best ways to get most of the problems out, is journal them, I have found. Write down things when they come to your head, angry thoughts, other peoples reactions, words said, etc etc, then read those the next day, or week later, and analyse whether the situation was proactive, or just a never ending battle which needs another route to solve.

Yer, when anger is in full flight, it makes you even angrier again... and for no apparent reason! We can control it though... its just a matter of finding the right technique for you that works.

Something that made me build this place during the course, was exactly what you mentioned above, in that those with PTSD just seem to instantly relate to one another, even when you don't actually know the person, because we all have the same symptoms, regardless what caused it, we are very much the same people at present, being angry, emotionally withdrawn, socially withdrawn, depressive, anxious, and the list is long. It had never really clicked to me before that course, that it was these things that automatically made us all "click". I said to the course counsellors, that I had always related better to those who I served with, in that I could talk to them without struggling to talk, as they already had experienced exactly the same, thus I didn't need to go through all the BS first.

Just telling someone you have PTSD, generally provokes the immediate response, "what is PTSD?". That just frustrates PTSD more, that you have to explain it to someone who may or may not really care, but is more curious to know what it is, so they have something to talk about. Being paranoid is quite normal, but I guess you have realised, that it is just paranoia, and that people aren't following you and so forth, that its just in your mind. Honestly Kay, your really doing well just accepting your condition, learning more about it, and seeking help. They are the biggest step, as you already know, we with PTSD deny it all, "we don't have PTSD, its everyone else that isn't normal" and thoughts like that. You know you have a problem, and your seeking help.

I tell you what though, being in a war zone sounds quite insignificant to what you have been through in my honest opinion. Five years of mental torture... hell, your a stronger person than I am. A war zone comes and goes, and we are left with the same outcome you have, but we didn't go through five continuous years of mental torture, and a supposed to be trained professional making you worse. Geez, that sucks. That person should be in jail honestly... that really bites.

I honestly feel sorry for what you have suffered, and if it where me, who knows what I would off done to that so called professional for doing what they did to me. I know now that going and killing them for doing something like that is wrong, but at the time when PTSD was in full flight, I don't know what I would have done. I say a big CONGRATULATIONS to you Kay, for dealing with what you got, seeking help, and trying to move on with your life.

We will never forget what has happened to us that provoked PTSD, but we can attempt to keep moving and enjoy life to some sort of rewarding level. I know people who have killed themselves from PTSD symptoms, and I know people who are living semi-normal lives, and dealing with it. Me personally, I give a lot of credit to us all that recognise we have a problem, and we attempt to fix it, and continue life to a satisfying standard.

We all tend to beat ourselves up about PTSD, but we must move forward, deal with the issues head on, get them out in the open, and atleast then, whilst they remain with us, they don't cause as much harm as before. Since getting my issues out, I am certainly much better, though still learning yet, well, daily actually, as I lost most of my emotions completely, and have had to rewrite them as required basically... when appropriate, and as I've been ready, ie. relationships, children, friends, family, etc etc. I certainly have found out who my true friends are during all this, as they are the one's that know I haven't been myself, but are still around and still giving support. The rest just wanted something to talk about, and gossip.

A big problem I only just realised with myself the other day, is that because I have lost lots of emotions, particularly caring, sadness and so forth, as I am thinking more vividly about my traumas, I am beginning to associate some small emotions within myself too them. This is actually what cause me to really derail last thursday for a couple of hours. Something a counsellor said in the morning, really hit home with me by the afternoon. She said, "if we can't feel sadness for children, then what hope is there for humanity". Well, one of the things I seen during active service, was five children lined up and shot through the head at point blank range. Our orders didn't allow us to shoot, kill or interfere with a particular uniformed country (stuff it, why protect them - Indonesia), and it was soldiers from them who committed the act. Because some of their soldiers went rogue into malitia activities, didn't mean they where all bad, but a good majority did commit crimes so indecent, they themselves should have been shot. If we shot them, it would have been us who went to jail. Hopefully another time will come around when they will be served what they deserve.

Anyway, with that, I began feeling emotions when reliving that act, and that hurt me pretty bad. When it happened, I was emotionless, and I had no remorse at the time for the dead children, just that I wanted to kill the Indonesian soldiers. When the counsellor said what she said, things started rushing into me there and then, but I controlled them within the group environment... well, the best I could anyway. When I got home, I nearly broke down, as emotions of sadness and distress for those children came to me. I am basically having to recategorise every emotion that I have, and put a name too it, like you do from when your born, you know nothing, but you get explained and discover emotions, feelings and what means what. That is what I basically am going through at present, and that is a journey on its own.

I guess, being male doesn't help also, as we tend to be less emotional than females, well, atleast at showing them anyway, and that is another obstacle I have to cross during all this. If I had to put emotions to what you have suffered, geez... I don't know where I would be. All I know, is that your one very strong person Kay... and keep going the way you are.
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Kay Dee

Kay Dee

Hi Anthony

It was good to read your post. I have been told too that underneath anger lies other emotions. The hard task is identifying what they are. I realize now that it does take time too. I certainly do not want to release my anger on my clients. I find myself at intense moments having to walk into another room, or even leaving the home. Again, tonight, reading your note I can relate . . . such as road RAGE. What I try to do is think of an upcoming positive event, or deep breathing and counting to 10. In general, I've been doing the crafts, ceramics, and going and working out, which helps lessen the intensity.

I like your idea of journaling. That would be a good way to identifying emotions, triggers, etc. I am going to try that. In fact, I think I will probably continue throughout the EMDR.

I realize now that no one is following me or trying to kill me. At the time, though, it felt very real to me. That just tells me how "lost" I was. That therapist had other patients I heard she was doing the same things with. I don't know how she could go so long and get away with it!

Two months after I stopped seeing that therapist, I was diagnosed with breast cancer, and had a total mastectomy two weeks later (March '98). When I look back, it seems I just skimmed through the whole experience with no feeling. Like an every day occurrence. However, I do consider myself very, very fortunate as the cancer was growing fast, and in surgery all the cancer was removed. (I have been cancer-free now for 7 years.) Then in May, I lost my job because my boss decided I wasn't producing enough. My medical bills were sky high. I didn't want to be alone at that time. I sold my house and bought a new house with my parents. Within six months I had to file bankruptcy because I just couldn't make the medical bills. I was numb throughout the whole lawsuit process which lasted approximately two years (I think). When it was over, I started to sink. Sink meaning everything started to surface. And the more it surfaced, the more I withdrew/ran . . . And like I said last night, the last two years have been, well, hell. I was actually relieved when my doctor diagnosed me with PTSD. At least there was a reason for what I was going through! And now . . . now I know there is something I can do about it. And here, on this forum, I know there are people who understand. And my therapist can guide me in the right direction. If I'm going to get worse before I get to the other side, I am willing to take that risk. Anything to lessen my symptoms; and finally be able to feel somewhat "normal." To be able to live what time I have left with some "normalcy." Yes, I am very anxious about the EMDR; and I am willing to live with that until my appointment next Friday. Who knows, maybe it won't be that bad.

I couldn't even imagine watching the scene you described in your post this morning. Seeing something that awful, horrible . . . I can't even imagine what you experienced. YOU are very strong, Anthony! And your journey to this point is what inspires me, and I bet others, to keep on going.

Isn't it amazing how much we can endure in life . . . and stay alive. I said before that I believe we learn from our experiences. I haven't figured out yet what I was supposed to have learned. It seems I'm still learning . . . and learning.

I don't think I'm making much sense tonight. I'm very tired . . . had a long day.

You take care, Anthony. Will talk with you soon.

Kay Dee

Kay Dee

Friday! Need the weekend. However, I will work midnights tomorrow night. But that isn't so hard. Just staying awake. I took Monday off.

Anthony -- Was surprised that you hadn't posted today. I enjoy reading your posts, and get a lot from them.

I picked up a tablet today, and I am going to start journaling. I did that once a long time ago. I don't know why I stopped. It does provide a lot of information. Well, being it's the weekend, I imagine that people don't visit this forum. At least I have not noticed anyone else on the Chat-PTSD. Will check back later.


Hey Kay,

Sorry, I've just been really busy. I have read your previous post, and going to reply. I've built up some more content here, and still sending it out for advertising. I was surprised you even found the place, as its only been up a few weeks now, and that is quite rare to be found so quickly in the search engines.

I will be back later to write. I have just notified some PTSD related groups that this place exists, which hopefully will bring others out who haven't seeked help yet, to start chatting and atleast acknowledge they have a problem, instead of being in denial. I am giving it a year atleast before this place goes into full swing though. That is about average for a website nowadays.

Back later...


Yer, a counsellor at course said something similar, in that everything has a purpose. Well, my answer didn't reflect that. They said even with every negative, there is a positive. Well, my answer to that was; "I don't think so, as I have no positive from my trauma". I have lots of positives from my various deployments, and lots of great times and laughs, but the traumatic situations... not a hope in hell. I think everyone else in the class agreed with the counsellor at that point, except me. I just don't see a positive from seeing and doing the things I have. I could of well been much better in myself without all that crap in my life.

The difference is though, is that I accept what has happened has happened, and that I need to recover and move forward regardless. I can't turn back time, but if I could, I would.

Geez... things really went to poo for you Kay! Breast cancer! Damn... I don't even know how to respond to that one. That must of been absolutely terrible for you. My sister had a scare recently with a lump in her breast, though is wasn't malignant. I seen just what that did to her, and she is quite emotionally functional, so I could imagine what I've seen, and what you described, is now coming out to bite you on the backside.

Its strange really what can give you PTSD really; anything from a car accident, bad childhood, cancer, relationships, war, your job (police, fire, ambulance, emergency services, etc) and so forth. I really did fall over and had to widen my own outlook on the size of the problem with PTSD from the course, especially as all these things where thrown at us. More for knowledge, but it opens ones eyes to the full scope of the problem, and how many people are living with it, and don't know why they are the way they are. I have friends I've served with who fit the exact profile of PTSD, but they are still in denial, and won't except they have a problem, and that them not being able to hold a job, being constantly drunk, etc etc, are all just normal to them. The problem is, is that I'm not well enough myself just yet, to actually really go head to head with them to get help, as it would cause me stress that I can't handle at present.

That type of thing does make me sad nowadays. I can only imagine that you have gone through hell from your past experiences... especially throwing cancer into the mix and surgery to rectify that. You really are a very strong and capable person Kay. Well done!

Something that come out on course was actually accepting appreciation, and thanks for things. I'd never noticed it before, that I stopped doing it, but now, I look at it a little more than I had previously, which does help. I started accepting counsellors on the course telling us we were strong, and we were normal, and strong people to be doing what we do (seek help, and talk about our problems). So I do really accept your caring comments too me. Thankyou Kay.

When I sat in the trauma sessions we had, I thought to myself, "geez, maybe I don't have such bad problems at all", after listening to others. But our counsellors were just so great, they had us all accepting ourselves that our problems are just as bad as the next, just different. I'd really like to help others in the future, when I'm much better myself, as much as I physically can, to identify their problems and get them help. That would be rewarding. It sounds very much that you are holding on quite strongly now, compared to previously. Getting help is pretty tough, especially as help means we have to bring everything up again, to get better. That's scary.

I asked one of our counsellors about EMDR the other day, and they said it is a good way of getting people to release the trauma from their brain, when done correctly. I hope you have a well qualified person doing this for you. From what I know, it is quite safe when in capable hands, which made me feel a little better about you getting it. They did say that some cases had gone wrong, in that it was done wrong, and too many traumas came back at once and basically sent the person mental. I guess everything has its risks. I asked why they didn't use it with veterans, which apparently isn't a good idea, as exactly what I mentioned has a tendency to occur, too many traumas come back at once, and has the reverse effect on the patient. So we have to do the course instead, and bring things out as we feel comfortable to do so.

I think at this point I am thankful that what has happened, I am dealing with, and hopeing to help others... which would be quite fulfulling to me personally. I know that just you and I chatting here would be helping others, as they would be reading this stuff, and thinking to themselves; "that's me".

Oh, by the way, your always making sense to me. Don't worry about that. I think the same about some of my stuff here, as I'm all over the place. But things pop into my head and I write. After re-reading your stuff, you do it also. This is exactly why people with PTSD just click, and can instantly have a different level of communication to everyone else, as we just understand each other, as we are also living the same effects, regardless what caused the trauma.

I'm glad your going to give journaling a try. When my counsellor suggested it, I said, "waht tha", but after a few days, I looked at it again, and though, "hang on a moment, she's on to something here", thus I do write things down now, and read them over again later, to analyse what was going on at the time, and how I could approach the same situation next time, and better myself. It really helps getting trauma's out also, as we have tended to suppress everything so much, I write something down, read it the next day, and remember something else, so I add that, then it keeps going like that until everything has come back about a specific incident. I just think, "Wow", so much came afterwards, from reading it and reading it, again and again, remembering more and more each time. It just amazed me how the mind works...

I attached a pic of myself with my little fella. Its only a few months old... so fairly recent. My little bloke is such a therapeutic bundle for me... as I can't be angry with him, thus teaching myself much better control.


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Deleted member 3

Hi Kay,

Just got online to check the forum out - you and Anthony have been busy. I am surprised, to say the least, as he is not normally this communicative although he has been making an effort since the beginning of the course. Wow you have had a rough journey so far. I don't think I have the words to say how brave you must be, to still be standing after all of that.

What scary times for you, an abusive therapist and then cancer. I can't even begin to imagine. It seems to me, from your posts, that you are ready to move ahead and heal as best you can. The courage that you have had so far will be needed to see you through the EMDR but as I said to Anthony, he may have been reliving it but he has a safe place to come to and family that love him. That is different from the circumstances which caused the PTSD. He wasn't in a safe place then and he couldn't get to family who loved him. The same theory will apply to you. The catalyst for PTSD is the same but the environment will be different.

Anyhow enough of the heavy stuff - how is your dog and what happened to your cat, Socrates wasn't it? What a cool name for a cat!! Wish I thought of a philosopher to name my cats but then what they have suits them. They were both named before we got them from the breeder and how appropriate they are. Sassi (Anthony's cat) is the little lilac female and boy is she sassi and of course we have my loveable Baloo, the brown (I prefer to call him dark chocolate) is named after the big, clumsy bear in the Jungle Book = it too is appropriate. I do love them so. They were my babies before the little one you will have seen in Anthony's photo. He has had a real positive effect on both of us. Can't be angry at something so little and cute.


Oh... here are some pictures of them both... don't be fooled by their cuteness either... geez they can get up to mischief together!


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