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PTSD As a Result of Childhood Abuse

Discussion in 'Introductions' started by No-Twitch-Tabitha, Aug 29, 2006.

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  1. No-Twitch-Tabitha

    No-Twitch-Tabitha Well-Known Member

    After all this time
    To believe in Jesus
    After all those drugs
    I thought I was Him
    After all my lying
    And a-crying
    And my suffering
    I ain't good enough
    I ain't clean enough
    To be Him

    "The Sound of Sinners", The Clash

    I was molested as a little girl by an uncle, 2 male cousins, and a female cousin from about the age of 6 until 9 - separate events, but the same outcome.
    I was also verbally and emotionally abused by my mother. My father was in the USAF and away most of the time. Even when he was home with the family, Mom was the dominant one. My mother died when I was 20, but I continue to sabotage myself with her messages. I was glad when she died; there are times when I feel like I didn't have one. My father, well, I love him, but he and I are distant. He has End-Stage Renal disease and I can't help but worry about him quite a bit.

    Officially, I began manifesting the symptoms of PTSD after Memorial Day this year. Over the holiday, I attended a family picnic and came face-to-face with one of the bastards who abused me. Imagine my surprise.

    However, when I think back, it could have started much earlier than that. I began having problems with Depression at 11yo and by the time I was 13 I was suicidal and I spent my adolescent years attempting to off myself. At 20yo, I snapped out of it...the suicidal tendencies, that is. I still don't have much of a will to live. There are times when I feel like I'm just waiting to die.
    And yes, I take medication - Cymbalta - which treats me biologically, but emotions are another story. :wall:

    I took myself to the local behavioral health center on 7/20/06 for an evaluation as the fallout from what happened over Memorial Day began really affecting my behavior, work, etc. There I was diagnosed with PTSD with "anxiety issues". I hate crowds, I don't like being around other people very much...I'm just not a big fan of people in general. Even before everything, I was a pretty self-contained, lonesome child who was very sensitive (I'm still highly sensitive). Now I'm a self-contained adult. I startle very easily, and I hate being tickled. I don't mind contact, but only with people I know very well.

    I feel generally worthless and, well, defiled. I don't feel clean. It's not an obsession (I don't bathe 15 times a day or constantly wash my hands or anything) but it's a general feeling. I don't feel like the world is safe and I'm hypervigilant. I don't trust very easily, and I hate showing anything that's going on in my head. I feel disconnected at times and I am quite avoidant.

    That's all I have to say for now.
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  3. kimG

    kimG Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forum, Tabitha. You've found a place where you're understood; most of us have been through things similar to you.

    Stick around and (I think) you'll find this place is an easy one to visit. Rant, rave, scream, kick, yell, get angry, let it out...we're all here for you!
  4. Farmer

    Farmer Active Member

    Hello Tabitha

    It's nice to meet you. I hear you about growing with it, the self dout and solitude and trust stuff. It's hard in adolesance let alone having PTSD missing with you. There is a lot of good info here and some very understanding, noligable people to( I'm still a rookie at figuring this out )
    But anyway nice to meet you.
  5. Nam

    Nam I'm a VIP

    Welcome Tabitha. We are glad to have you. You are one tough lady and I congratulate you on being as well as you are. Keep going, keep fighting, and fill yourself with knowledge and tools to fight. You can do it.
  6. reallydown

    reallydown I'm a VIP

    Hi Tabitha, welcome to the forum :)
  7. Boo-Damphir

    Boo-Damphir Active Member

    Hi Tabitha!
    Boy am I glad to see you here :thumbs-up
  8. Merlin

    Merlin New Member

    Hi Tabitha,

    We appear to have a couple of things in common, I can relate to being very easily startled and hypervigilant... it's very debilitating for me at times, is it the same for you?

    I'm new to the forum as well. I'm glad I found your thread....

    Take care

  9. anthony

    anthony Donate To Keep MyPTSD Founder

    Welcome Tabitha... very pleased to have your here and talking.
  10. YoungAndAngry

    YoungAndAngry Well-Known Member

    Hi Tabitha and welcome!
  11. purdyamos

    purdyamos Active Member

    Hi Tabitha! The sensations and self-image you describe at the end are bewildering until you realise other people get it too. You'll feel perfectly normal here! I hope the forums can help you like they have the rest of us.
  12. anthony

    anthony Donate To Keep MyPTSD Founder

    Tabitha, what you are experiencing is all very normal for someone who has been put through what you have. You are the victim, and its ok to accept that. You have been violated in one of the human souls most indecent ways, molestation as a minor, at a point when your not as capable to defend yourself as one generally is as an adult.

    To have family members do such an act is pretty much the lowest form of humanity, because these are the very people who's role it is to guide us and protect us into adulthood. There are some seriously sick individuals upon this planet, no doubt about that.

    I have no doubt that coming face to face with an offender on the holidays is what through you over the edge, because it would have stimulated ever single event and emotion pretty much well, all the way back to your early childhood.

    You need to know, your not alone, help is available, and providing you want to help yourself, there is a far better side to PTSD than where your at now.
  13. No-Twitch-Tabitha

    No-Twitch-Tabitha Well-Known Member

    Seeing that asswipe brought it all on. I started really dealing with my childhood abuse (as opposed to shoving it back) in the last few years, so I'd been having the nightmares, but everything went into overdrive after the picnic. I feel haunted and I am afraid to sleep. The sleeplessness is what drove me to seek help.

    What makes me angrier than what I went through is the disbelief and blaming that occurs when you tell other family members and even authorities. It angers and sickens me that the offenders have more rights than the victims in our society. It feels like society really doesn't value children (especially female children).
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