Sufferer PTSD at 19 from Grooming by an Older Man: My Story...

Hi I'm Emma 🙂 I discovered this forum last week & feel ready to share my story as I reached out to my Abuser online hoping for Closure, he ended up Gaslighting me as a 33yr old so now finally getting Therapy as it has regressed me. (However, I did get it all of my chest and told him how much he hurt me which was Cathartic) 😊
After school when I was 18 I studied a class at my local college to pass exams & get to a good Uni. My tutor was very charming and seemed really interested in me when I told him and everyone what my hobbies were, I loved singing and he was asking questions about it. I felt good because I hated school and my self-esteem was low. I knew I was attractive but didn't feel that way, so all this attention felt like an adrenaline rush. I became fascinated with the subject he taught & asked endless questions about what careers I could have, and he happily chatted after class but noticed he was a bit suggestive/flirtatious. (I couldn't flirt to save my life back then)😅 I knew he was married with kids but noticed he would never leave after class. After the 2nd week after class he said he shouldn't be saying this in a College behind a desk, but would I still want to know someone as a Person if they deceived someone at work? (Told him I didn't know, as I really didn't & left) Still made me uncomfortable so asked him what he meant the following week and he snapped at me to leave and was hostile. Was so confused as 1 minute he really likes me, the next he doesn't, so I tried harder to be liked by him (Idiotic, but I was so naive, still lived at home). He treated me nicer and after class on Friday we would sit together and he would help me study. It wasn't a big deal, I saw it as normal back then but this went on all year, he didn't say anything weird to me it was about the course but a few times he would physically test my boundaries and sit with his face as close to mine as possible. Instead of seeing these red flags and running, I confused it with feelings of care and trust.
Few weeks later, he got bolder and during a class with my Peers he walks over to me and presses his hand ontop of mine whilst it's on the PC mouse. I think it's a mistake & wait for him to remove his hand, but he doesn't, or say anything either for over a minute so I'm really confused and have to slide my hand away/no apology after. After this happened, I start not to feel myself and get so stressed that I broke my ankle before his class the week after & need to go to hospital. He makes it clear he is attracted to me when he marks my homework A++, (This was when I should've reported his ass but didn't want him to hate me 😩
A few month's later he dismissed a class at the start when we sat down & infront of 2 Older women, asks me to stay BEHIND! One of them actually stuck up for me and said out loud 'be careful Emma' and he just glared at her for that. (I was too sucked in at this point & thought she was jealous of my special treatment) 😯
Luckily, not much happened when we were alone but always felt he got a secret Sexual thrill out of it that I couldn't Decipher at the time. (Was near me aroused once) It's mucked up... he also taught at the High School, so it felt like all the rules were out the window when it came to me. 😑
Anyway, the more time he spent with me the more I Depended on him & by March had a full blown crush. I knew he was older but he made it seem normal, we were so much better than everyone else, more intelligent etc. 🤫
Things escalated and one day after class he kept offering to help me out, print me off stuff and when he gets back I gave him a hug and said thanks (It was a full on enthusiastic hug which he was really enjoying) My emotions were high & stupidly began kissing him on the neck. (not just a peck, full on sensual kiss) He doesn't say No or push me away he's silent and afterwards looks at me like 'I wouldn't have thought you would do that!' complete opposite of what's professional. He then gave me such a sexually charged look that I panicked as at 19, a virgin, & was alone in an empty floor with him! This might not sound much but it was traumatizing for an Adolescent student to experience in an Educational setting. The abuse of Power was really bad & after asking if he liked me 'in that way' he was silent for ages which made it even worse for me mentally. I needed Assertiveness... not that. I never told my family, he stopped all eye contact with me afterwards and ignored me. He tried controlling me in class by telling me to go on an errand for him, and like the People-pleaser I was I did it 😵‍💫😢
My Therapist says he Groomed me & it was abuse, but I find it so hard to accept this. We were both attracted to each other & both Adults. I thought he was so nice that I felt I was to blame for years for kissing a married man, but my therapist tells me not to think like that. Found out years later he was 40....😳😒

Didn't pass all my Exams due to stress & got a job asap/moved on with my life. Saw him on Social Media years later and triggered me so much I had to contact him for some Closure. He was very friendly, told me I had 'Inspired' him to send his Daughter to the same Children's Choir I had sung in. This blew my mind, as I forgot I told him this and it was on the very 1st Day.😣It felt a bit weird him sharing that with me...then said she sung in this other group for 3 years, same one I had been in too! I felt so overwhelmed by this. When I tried confronting him about what happened back in 2008 he shut me down straight away with 'that's not how I remember it' and said I read too much into him liking my interest of singing. I was so hurt and angry by that. I wasn't into Older men. (His daughter had been born during the year I started his class which adds to the strange feeling)

Anyway that's my mucked up story! 🤯😰😔Still suffering years later & he is still getting paid to teach teens...My PTSD was so bad at 19 I thought I was dying and had heart rhythm issues....it literally felt like a break up. His lack of empathy after I told him how much he had hurt me, made me feel horrible, but needed to do it.

Finally had the courage to report it.....they said it's too late to make a public complaint so I think they will try sweeping it under the Rug after 14 years, but the way he typed to me was almost controlling, repeatedly typing my name after each sentence, saying You this You that, almost blaming me....so I'm doing this for myself to get to a saner, Happier place. 😌 Thanks for reading, & if you have a similar story get in touch. 😘
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
yay you for finding the courage to speak out, at last. it take allot of work to keep secrets and i hope that setting the truth free will open you to the healing mysteries.

steadying support while you continue your journey. may you grow into a wiser, freer woman for the healing.

for what it's worth
14 years is a long time to let evidence grow cold. it would be a tough case to prove, even for a well-paid private detective who needs the work.
 
yay you for finding the courage to speak out, at last. it take allot of work to keep secrets and i hope that setting the truth free will open you to the healing mysteries.

steadying support while you continue your journey. may you grow into a wiser, freer woman for the healing.

for what it's worth
14 years is a long time to let evidence grow cold. it would be a tough case to prove, even for a well-paid private detective who needs the work.
Thanks, it means a lot to me that people care ☺️ the institution got back to me to say they treat behaviour like very seriously so I’m hoping it‘s not brushed under the carpet so to speak…there was no sexual harassment rules or even a proper complaints procedure for students back at that place in 08’!🙄
 
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