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Ptsd, father choose side with rapist, advice needed

Discussion in 'Sexual Assault' started by Brokensoul, Jun 6, 2018.

  1. Brokensoul

    Brokensoul Guest

    I have ptsd from being raped and abused for years by my boyfriend. My parents divorced when I was 4. I lived with my mom most of the time. During my childhood my father used to ignore me from time to time, without explanation and sometimes for up to 6-7 months. This really affected me. Along with some other family related issues this made me feel like I am not worthy of love and care and as a result I am constantly scared eveyone leaves. The last 3 years my father and I had regular contact, most of the time over the phone (calling) and seeing each other a few times a month. He basically kept in touch with me as long as I did/said exactly what he would want from me.

    9 months ago I escaped a 3 year long abussive relationship where I was raped very regularly. When my father heard this he basically choose side with this rapist telling me things like ‘come on, be strong, he has had a worse life than you had’ ‘you are both guilty’ and ‘there are worse things in life’. Two nights after the night I told him my story he decided to eat with him in a cafeteria. After this he never spoke to me about it again.

    I tried to be strong and ignore my fathers reaction but it left me feel so disconnected every time I spoke with him. Like I all made it up and nothing was real. I tried to heal but this worked against me.. A month ago I decided to tell my father that I was really upset about his reaction but he just went angry with me. He said “You know I love you. You can’t blame me”

    After that, for the first time in my life I decided not to contact him anymore and I haven’t spoken to him ever since, apart from a few texts telling him I need space.

    I would really like advice on how to handle this. My father has no one else apart from me, no family or friends and lives alone in a small village. I feel so guilty but right now it feels like I want to cut ties with him forever. I just can’t take it anymore. I’m doing the best I can to make the best out of my life but it is so hard. I’m trying to continue my study, having weekly appointments with a therapist. I just turned 20, I am living on my own and handeling everything alone. My mother is severely depressed and never showed me any affection so she doesn’t even know about the rape and ptsd (I didn’t tell her). Apart from my two best friends who are amazing I have no one. The ptsd seems to get worse and worse.. It is too much. I just can’t handle contact with my dad anymore. Am I validated to cut ties with him? Any advices or stories like me, how do you handle this?
     
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  3. Sietz

    Sietz I'm a VIP

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    Honestly, I can see why.
    He doesn't seem to have your best interests in mind, which is not okay for the regular person anyway, but for a father is even worse.

    I validate you. :)

    Good luck on your journey and congratulations for getting out and getting help.
    Family is always the hardest part of this, especially when they're not supportive.
     
    shimmerz, Mytime, 420kitty and 2 others like this.
  4. Justmehere

    Justmehere Defying the odds Moderator Premium Member

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    What an asshole thing to do. Good dads protect their daughters. I’m sorry he is such a horrible flake. It’s not your fault at all.

    Take space. You don’t need to make the decision about “forever” right now, but if you want to cut ties for forever, you would be more than justified to do so. Completely justified.

    Let go of the guilt of him being alone. Of course he’s alone. He’s a really horrible jerk. He’s an adult and clearly he’s able to reach out for connection with others just fine - as sickeningly demonstrated by him having a meal with your rapist. Ugh. I’m so sorry. My symptoms would go through the roof if someone in my life was buddies with an abuser of mine.

    My father and I had a falling out of sorts over abuse when I was about 20. Taking space has helped me reclaim myself and invest in relationships that won’t abandon me. My father and I have reconnected a few times over the years since then, and it’s been hard and confusing. We are back to a place of not talking. Frankly, it’s probably better for both of us right now.

    In the end, your father doesn’t seem very capable or willing to be there for anyone - except perps - which is really really concerning.... I recently saw a video of the Larry Nassar court process in the US. A father was there in court and his daughters testified about this rapist. He flipped out in court, pissed at the rapist. While it wasn’t appropriate, especially in court, that is what a father should be inclined to do: protect his daughter at all costs.

    Not freaking side with them! Ugh.

    My own mother once tried to explain the actions of an abuser once - I think it was a misguided attempt to reassure me - but when I pushed back - she quickly clarified and said what he did was wrong, I deserve to be safe, etc.

    There isn’t anything your father is likely to do that’s going to help you recover from the trauma, and contact with someone who is so flaky and flippant and enabling of an abuser is likely to make symptoms worse.

    Instead, take this season and time of your life to find the safe and healthy people who will be there for you, long haul, and work on the PTSD. What to do about the relationship with your father over the long haul will become more clear as symptoms stabilize.
     
    Mytime and Sietz like this.
  5. EveHarrington

    EveHarrington _______ in progress. Premium Member

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    In reality you don't need any reason at all to cut ties with someone, none at all besides "I just don't want to know you anymore".

    I think society has this expectation that we must stay in contact with family, especially our parents, even if they treat us like crap.

    I think its good that you're cutting ties with your dad. He sounds toxic!
     
    MyWillow and Sietz like this.
  6. Fadeaway

    Fadeaway I'm a VIP Donated

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    :hug: I know that pain.
     
    shimmerz likes this.
  7. Mytime

    Mytime Well-Known Member

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    I can understand you having mixed feelings about your dad. But you have every right to end your relationship with him. He doesn’t bring anything positive to your life. He’s a grown man, he can handle living alone. You just focus on yourself and your needs. Because a true father would stand beside his daughter . He would fight to protect her.
    You deserve way better then he has given you. You are more then validated
    to kick his ass out of your life. He doesn’t deserve to have you in.
    Take care of you.
     
    EveHarrington and Sietz like this.
  8. Brokensoul

    Brokensoul Guest

    I want to thank you all for your reply. It makes me very sad that some of you know this kind of pain.. We all deserve support especially from our parents..
    Thank you all for your replies. I'm trying to accept myself in this choice and don't listen to all the guilt-feelings- but it's hard. Especially when people ask me why I am not in contact with my dad and I can't answer their question. Or when people say things like "In the end of the day he is your dad, you should reconnect" stuff like that. I keep wondering what he is doing right now, I keep imaginening him spending his days all alone without having anyone to talk to. I do and always did feel, so responsible for him.
     
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  9. EveHarrington

    EveHarrington _______ in progress. Premium Member

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    I’ve gotten those “but he’s your dad!” responses and they just make me want to scream!

    Seriously, it’s essentially saying you owe him something because he had sex with your mom so many years ago. The miracle of life/birth? Oh please. There are trillions (low estimate) of reproductions every day on the planet. (Counting all forms of life) Having offspring isn’t a miracle! (If anything it’s pretty damn generic and doesn’t deserve special props). If he was a parent? An actual PARENT? Then he’d deserve respect.
     
    13ReasonsWhyNot and Sietz like this.
  10. 13ReasonsWhyNot

    13ReasonsWhyNot Member

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    I would have been livid about him eating in the cafeteria with the rapist. I think you cutting ties with him is completely valid. Completely!!! That is horrible! Talk about adding insult to injury. I am so sorry.

    I'm sorry your parents weren't more supportive. Neither one of mine even wanted to hear about what happened to me, although my mom did call me a whore and said she's always thought of me as one for the last 25 years or so. She first called me one 25 years ago, in response to telling her I was getting married (not your typical response to announcing an engagement). She had said that my fiance was taking her innocent baby away. All I said was "I'm not that innocent" and all of the sudden, in her eyes I went from innocent to whore. This happened 5 years after I was raped. When she originally called me a whore I burst into tears, saying I had tried for years to overcome this horrible thing that had happened to me in high school. She never asked me anything about it. Just changed the subject. This time, I told her how hurtful that was, and her response to that was that she has always thought of me as a whore ever since then. Oh, and even though she isn't interested in hearing about what happened, she did add that it was harder for her to get over it than for me, and when is the rapist going to apologize to HER?

    I haven't called her since.

    So yeah, in the world of unsupportive parents, I can completely relate. Support is out there. I have learned that blood isn't what makes you family. (Well, I guess it is biologically, but figuratively, family can be anyone who cares about you).
     
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