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Ptsd from being dumped 4 years ago...

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WindupDoll

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Hello people out there, I am feeling very very scared at posting to complete strangers about my problem that I have had for over 4 years, but I feel like this is so outrageous now that I have to get help from someone...


So before I explain everything I want to explain who I am and how I grew up. I was an only female child raised by a single parent, my father was never around and never seemed to care to raise me. I never knew him much other than that he never wanted me to do anything with my life, like go to college because he didn't want to pay for anything. For my mother she just worked all the time and never seemed to understand me much as a person even still to this day. I love my mother but we always never fully connected, are lives and personalities are completely different. And so when it came to friends I honestly never had any, people always scared me at a young age.


There was this experience I had when I was 4 years old where my mother would dropped me off to pre-school, and considering I was always attached to her I would cry allot as soon as she would leave. The people that worked there would always yell at me and put me in a room with crying babies telling me "if you're going to cry like a baby were going to treat you like a baby" they would put me in that room every single time when I started crying. One day I snapped because I was tired of them grabbing me and forcing me in that room, I told the lady "leave me alone you bitch" and that made her so mad they got two other workers there to drag me on the floor back into that room with the crying babies. I think this is the experience I had in my life that kept me from opening up with others and not trusting them.


so all my years in school and even now as a 25 year old I never opened up with people much. I was however bullied allot when I tried to open up, boys always made fun of me over my physical appearance (not going to any details with that) and they only picked on me and not the other girls in my class, plus they would bully me right in front of my classmates and my teachers(they didn't do anything). so it would get to me so bad to a point where I didn't feel worthy as a female or a decent human being. I felt everyone was above me and I was garbage not worthy to breath the same air as them. This experience was during elementary school and up till then I kept my mouth shut for the most part. I met people but they were never close...I would just go to school, then go home to do homework and play video games after (I was a nerd). While growing up I came to a point where I didn't care to make friends but wanted a boyfriend at least in my life. This was one of my burning desires in life besides what I wanted to do when I grow up, and I kind of became obsessed with it. I started to really take care of my appearance, hoping a guy would come up to me (never did..). But considering I was so shy and scared I never had anyone until my college years and that is how the BS started.....


This guy I met online that I started talking to was really mysterious and honestly I was not sure if I should even try dating this person (he seemed odd). But he grabbed me in because he was nothing like other people, he seemed to share the same problems and interest I had(it seemed). We ended up meeting in real life and started dating, he seemed to care about me at first by having a custom ringtone to my favorite video game when ever I called, he even gave these unique set of flowers to me that I never even seen before. It just felt so personal and I quickly fell in love with this person. We talked about everything, are conversations would get so deep that I felt like not only was he my lover but my best friend, I could never have these conversations with other people. He was a extremely intelligent person and I looked up to him I learned so much from him. I thought he was so cool, and it gave me such a boost of confidence knowing this person was my boyfriend.


So you can guess the guy took my first everything, my heart and my virginity. while are relationship blossomed I wanted to talk to him all the time, I gave him his space when he needed it but I would text him allot and he would respond greatly at first. But while we started getting intimate I would get paranoid, before him sex was really scary to me. I forced him to get himself check out so he was clean (I'm am kind of a germ freak) and I had moments where I thought I was pregnant because my birth control pills caused me to miss my periods. it would cause me to flip out so much that even if bodily fluid touch my personals, I would get a pregnancy scare(I would see a doctor and everything). I know it sounds funny but I suffer from allot of anxiety. It was all just so new to me and I didn't know how to handle it. However this behavior didn't popup 24/7 it did calm down at some point after I got comfortable. But I could tell he didn't like it. I did say I am sorry and I will stop, he told me "I hope so.." and we then left it at that.


so during the time I was in a relationship with him, I have had red flags about him that I did ignore at first, like at some point he had a threesome with his friends(I found out about that on my own) it was about some relationship in his past that was not going so well...he carries a knife in his pant pocket 24/7...this disturbed me.


I had an experience where he told me that "you could never come between me and my friends", I don't know why he needed to say that other then he felt threatened by me. I was texting him allot at that point when he said that, but he never said anything about my text messages being annoying.(I never told him he couldn't hang with his friends)


Then there was the "don't text me when I am with my friends"...he said the reason why for that comment was because he wanted to give his full attention to his friends when he hangs out with them, I think honestly he was annoyed by me.


Then there was a point he snapped at me for trying to help him out when he was looking for a job, I started crying. We never had a fight before so it shocked the heck out of me, he then said sorry.


Last he would just seem mean spirited over things he would talk about, like saying this band is deserving to be booed and have things thrown at them just cause there music sucks, as a illustrator/painter myself that is very insulting to me.


And I just didn't like his friends, one time I begged him and his friend to stop smoking inside the house because I couldn't stop coughing..my ex stopped first his friend last, but it took a good minute for them to listen to me. I said sorry that I had to ask them to stop, but that left a bad impression on me. I knew his friend hated me after that...


honestly with all that, I should of dumped him but that is not what happened. I was so in love I ignored it and tried so hard to work around these red flags. At some point we started to see each other less and less because are distance from his house to mine was far and he was "busy", so it went from three times a week, to two times a week, to one time a week to none at all. During that time I missed him so much I even manipulated him to come to my house when the power went out during a bad thunderstorm. I was honestly scared, but he really didn't have to come over I just wanted to see him so bad. I felt guilty for that...


I did start blowing up his phone way more than usual because I just wanted to talk and be around him, I know I made him mad..so I made him cookies when he actually did come visit me one time, he was not happy with me when I did that..I guess he thought I was guilt tripping him...


so then finally came the dumping, I realized that I could not hang out with him much, and that I was annoying so I thought it was time to open up more with others. So I got the guts and started hang out with some people I talked to a little in high school. I went to a party with them, got a little drunk and texted him one more time while I was there...Before then he told me to leave him alone for the night because he was starting a new job the next day. I figured two text messages can't hurt, I didn't think this was that harmful but supposedly that was the final straw with him.


The next day he came to my house and said it was over, I started to burst into tears asking why? I told him sorry I texted him but it didn't matter what I said. He said that he had to let me go because of one comment I made were I said "I think of you like a father' I explained to him that I know he has not a dad to me, but just someone who helped me grow allot. He always talked like a teacher all time, so to me he kind of put that on himself. But in the end he just felt like I was not ready for relationships and this experience will make me stronger. I was so upset with him, he even told me his friends help him make the agreement to get rid of me, I couldn't believe it I was outraged. I didn't understand why couldn't he just tell me all the problems he had with me from the beginning. Up until that point he has never said anything about this, so I just felt it was an excuse to get rid of me. He said he did love me even after that, but to be honest if he did why didn't he try working it out with me? I was so confused and hurt by him, after that he ran out as fast as he could because my mother got home and I was destroyed.


After all that things just got worse and worse, I called him on the same day asking again if it's really over because on face book I was not listed as his girlfriend anymore. While he has at the bar drinking with his friends btw, he kind of said yes but ended up twisting it and said were on a "break" and left it at that. For months he left me in limbo, I was so broken I lost allot of weight and cried every single night hoping he would call back (he never did). Again I tried making excuses contacting him asking him what he wanted for the holidays(he wanted to still be friends btw), he snapped at me with a "WHAT?!" when he picked up...I wanted to die, I just wanted him to like me again so bad. But he never wanted to talk to me anymore, I think he was starting to look for someone else because when I went on his profile on the dating website it would say he was online allot. He denied it but honestly right now I don't even know what was the truth at this point, all I knew is that he was done with me and hated me.


It hurts me so bad how he handled this situation without even a flinch of guilt, he even had no problem playing a game I gave him during the holidays (we exchanged gifts one last time) for over 60 hours(you can read the hour of how much someone plays something online). I would think you would think about that person at least once...or so I hoped.


Finally I just call bullshit on this and told him we needed to talk because he was leaving me in limbo, my dog just died and I lost my job...so I couldn't handle any more stress. In the end he told me he wanted to spend more time with his job and didn't want to date right now. I kept a smile on my face during the video chat, but I burst into tears after. I just could not have this person..it hurt so freaking bad!


After that I pretty much gave up, I completely changed as a person. I stopped talking to people completely, I got more defensive, angry and insecure about myself. I pretty much gave up on my own life after him, I would have so many nightmares and started to have panic attacks whenever I thought to deep about my experience with him or saw someone that I thought was him in person.


Right now I'm currently in a very healthy relationship with a person that is the total opposite of him, we have been together for over 4 years now and things are going great. Life is sure not great but my relationship with him is, I pretty much in the end got rewarded for all my suffering. But that guy still haunts me, I found out recently that he got married and I was so shocked because he always talked down marriage, I never thought in a life time he would be the type to marry. So it crushed my self esteem again because he never treated me like that, I felt like I must of been a very horrible person when we were together. I feel like the world wants to punish me for falling in love with someone, even sometimes now with my current relationship I end up feeling distant sometimes or defensive because of him. I wish I can just let this go, but it still causes me so much trauma daily.


I never been so chronically depressed my whole life, sometimes I feel like I 11have a hard time feeling anything anymore, and just want to die. Even though I was blessed with the best boyfriend in the world I still have a very hard time snapping myself out of this feeling I have. I get so paranoid that my boyfriend is going to do the same with me, by getting annoying and running away over night. All it does is make me hate myself more, I get so mad every single year when my ex does not respond. Since then I cussed him out of facebook book pretty much saying I tried to fix everything but you refuse to respond back to me. After that I took him off everything on social media, but still to this day he has never came back to at least ask how my life is. I thought we were good friends, but sadly I guess not.


I do sometimes think about suicide or inflicting pain on myself, especially when I am in the middle of having a panic attack over him. I for the most part don't understand why this person cause so much trauma with me, but every time I see his photo I panic. I get sweaty, shaky and a numbing feeling in my brain(like I am going to pass out I guess) every single time. It is so tiring and It does not help when I see how much he is doing better than me. I am 25 year old college grad and I work at a crappy retail store. But he seems to be making it in life, it looks like he got his shit together and finally got out of his parent's house. It's almost like him dumping me was the best choice in his life.


I know he is probity not aware of it but, I always felt envy of him too. He may have grown up like me somewhat, but everyone wants to be his friend. everyone on social media seems to agree with him 100% of the time and I just want someone to finally call him a snobby asshole. But it never happens. I have even talked to one of his ex's in the past because I wanted to know who the hell he really was, and even she seems to be drinking the kool-aid as well which I don't understand because I saw some of her comments when they were together and he seemed to have treated her the same way he treated me. It drives me insane, in every way shape form I felt like all of this was my fault and that I am the bad guy.


Sometimes I feel the world is designed to hurt me and everyone around me wants to hurt me. Like the world and people want me to finally admit that am a piece of garbage that's not worth to breath the same air as them.


I don't know what the heck to do to shake this feeling off and end this horrible chapter of my life. This is why I came on here because at this point I am desperate for help, should I tell him all the pain he has caused me? Was I really the horrible one in this relationship?


please I need help on this, I really am sorry for making such a long post but I needed to explain all this. I have social anxiety so it took a crap ton of confidence to post this, but I do want an honest answer.......thank you.
 
It's so great you are reaching out, yes that does take a lot of bravery. I have to be honest, I didn't have time to read every detail but, I did skim it and I think I have the gist of it.. I would say don't reach out to him to tell him how much pain he has caused you, that may be seen/interpreted as harassment. Sometimes people are jerks and they don't handle things correctly and sometimes relationships end abruptly and sometimes relationships end when we don't want them to. I'm so sorry that you seem to be taking this break up so hard but, I would suggest seeking out a T. They would be able to help you build security and confidence in your new relationship. You can also try talking to your new bf about how you are currently feeling but, I would not suggest rehashing it with X.
 
that so understandable wishfulthinking123( i know it is long), thank you so much for your answer its a breath of fresh air to have someone be nice to me. Do you think I should even talk to him for that matter? Or would you think he would judge me even more? I really don't want to be friends with him anymore but..sometimes I feel like if i talk to him it will cure the burning hate.
 
I don't think you should contact him. That relationship is over. And honestly, he caused you pain, that's what happens in relationships don't work out but you are also causing yourself a lot of pain.You are not letting go and not allowing yourself to grow.He wasn't honest about his feelings and dragged things out, but it sounds like that was 4 years ago? You were both in your early twenties? That is young and means there's still a lot of learning to do.

I really recommend you seek out therapy if you aren't already in it. You might also consider reading books about relationships. As a shot in the dark, you might consider reading "I hate you, Don't Leave Me". I am sorry you are struggling and really hope you can find a path to healing.
 
thank you for your replay Muttly i love you bold answer, and yes it was 4 years ago but he was 3 years older then me..do you think he never liked or loved me honestly? do you think he just used me and was done with me? If someone can give me an answer to that i feel it will pull some weight off.. I feel ashamed I gave him my first time, i felt I was so sure but when i think back to it..I remember when i bought a lingerie with him he didn't seem so interactive with me when i was looking for one. when i asked if he liked the one i picked he was like "yeah looks nice" he was so confusing..conversations were great but anything else was not..

....my boyfriend now loves shopping with me, it pains me i feel so dead 90% of the time..there is more painful things then just my ex though, my career is going no were either, I feel like a freeloader because i still live with my mother. Hes the only thing bright in my life and I want to appreciate him more..
 
@WindupDoll Since he was your first I think that could also be why you took it so hard.... I have "heard" that women are emotionally connected on average with guys when they become sexually intimate so, it can mean something so much to you emotionally, a lot of times women feel more connected to a guy after they have had sex...although I personally cannot speak too much on that...idk what that's like...

Also, I don't think I can tell you what he was or wasn't feeling-I'm sorry. I think you should stop communication and try to move on with your new boyfriend.
 
I don't know if I explained myself that well..what I meant was is that a lot of times your first time is special and means a lot (again not speaking from experience-sex has never really meant anything to me) so, being that you were sexually intimate could have made it even harder. Even though you were already connected you shared something with him that you had never shared with anyone else before..
 
I would research attachment disorders. I am a firm believer that being an only child in and of it's self can really f*ck you up due to peer isolation and cultural expectations. Who were you bonded to as a child since you say it wasn't your mother and your father wasn't around?
 
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