PTSD from cheating, partner breaks up with me.

Cameron1988

New Here
Hi everyone!
I’m gonna try to write this down as short as possible..
I recently started going to therapy and got told I have PTSD.
The traumatic experience was about 8 years ago.
My girlfriend at the time cheated on me with multiple men. Some of those men showed me evidence (pictures/messages), all sexually themed.. One night while we were upstairs sleeping, a guy she was seeing (I had no clue) broke into her apartment, pulled me out of bed, beat me up, threw me down the stairs.. He humiliated me, saying that a girl could never be enough for her(my gf then), saying other messed up things about gay woman..
I broke it off, went on with my life, didn’t date anyone for about 4 years.
Before that happened I was a very open minded woman and couldn’t care less about gender or who someone dated or identified as.
Now years later things are become more clear to me.
My current gf has a history with men, she identifies as a lesbian though.
I can’t stand the thought, completely freak out about it, my stomach turns when I see her talking to guys she used to sleep with.
I feel the constant threat of being left for a man.
I know this isn’t her issue but mine. She knows what I’ve been through and I’ve tried to talk about how things make me feel.
She once said one of those guys is great in bed, to her friend, while I was sitting there.
She doesn’t get that it bothers me, it’s in the past (but she sees him daily, now less because it hurts me but it’s obviously not what she wants).
I decided to start therapy because I can’t have a relationship like this anymore.
But now talking to my therapist has made me realize that maybe she’s no good for me.
I know I’m hard to stand sometimes, freak out over nothing, act jealous when it comes to guys she has a history with.. But ai understand now that I’m not crazy, I have ptsd, what I went through isn’t just something small..
I just feel heartbroken that she just can’t take it anymore, she broke up with me because she doesn’t feel like she can see her friends all time.
Haaa it’s complicated.. just wanted to write this down I guess..
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
Sounds like your trust was completely broken by your ex, and you're bringing that into your current relationship. That breaking of trust is very different to PTSD.

It's horrific that you were beaten by some guy, and told all those homophobic slurs. That must have been terrifying. And like @somerandomguy says, could well because the cause o PTSD.

So maybe you have a couple of things going on?

Either way: a relationship without trust is awful for both you and her.
(Why can't she say an ex lover was good in bed? It doesn't mean she is going to cheat on your and why should she stop seeing friends? The issue of trust is yours, not hers, and whilst it is so so so painful to trust, you have to learn how to do it. Otherwise you risk becoming controlling. And you both become miserable).

Hope you find a path through this emotional pain.
 

Mee

MyPTSD Pro
I’m going to differ with others here. Consent is freely given , informed and enthusiastic. Cheating takes away the informed aspect and usually includes some degree of gaslighting and emotional abuse .

there is a large body of work behind rape by deception - which would include cheating. My rape by deception included another person - my rapist by deception - cheating on his wife. I totally feel she was as much if not more victim than me.
I had experienced other rape that year - within that relationship - but the deception was very akin to the emotional feeling of my CSA but —- worse - as I felt as an adult I should have this sussed.

I know this is unpopular here- but - so be it. I am diagnosed. I obviously have other issues with trauma but I hold I would not have descended into PTSD with out that. It certainly complied with the criterion of non consent.
 

DharmaGirl

MyPTSD Pro
Wow, that's interesting @Mee, I'm going to research that. On the one hand it would give more people access to PTSD care, on the other, every other teenager would have PTSD from bad relationships. When I think about my level of trauma, and my level of illness, I find it hard to think one's brain could break by cheating. It is hard, sad, and hard to get over, but does it really cause PTSD? Maybe something else? I don't know, but it will keep me busy for a few days, lol.
 

Mee

MyPTSD Pro
Wow, that's interesting @Mee, I'm going to research that. On the one hand it would give more people access to PTSD care, on the other, every other teenager would have PTSD from bad relationships. When I think about my level of trauma, and my level of illness, I find it hard to think one's brain could break by cheating. It is hard, sad, and hard to get over, but does it really cause PTSD? Maybe something else? I don't know, but it will keep me busy for a few days, lol.

it’s hotly debated - even the consent situation. There was a large on going legal discussion through journals about it circa 2010 when it was denied recognition mostly. I think in a post me too era things would go differently.
Historically- also for reasons of liberation- getting out of marriage through adultery was seen as a rare safe possible route for women - and still is in some places.

there is a pretty big difference of impact I think between dating teenagers after 4 weeks and committed partners? But it’s still a consent violation .

how we view consent is becoming clearer - men can be raped , you don’t need to say no - only not say yes! And coercion and emotional abuse is rape. Rape by deception or fraud is abusive and coercive. However - it’s not clean cut. For example - laws are changing that people with hiv no longer have to pre declare . Similarly there is debate over whether a trans person could be seen as deceptive ( I think not obviously - others do not agree) .
Personally I think there is a difference between a lie and a lie of omission out side marriage/ committed relationship ( where you could presume nothing has changed) and when dating - where we can kind of be expected to ask what is important for us to establish .

If you are interested in direction to reading materials let me know!
 

siniang

MyPTSD Pro
Not going into whether cheating and/or a really bad breakup can or cannot cause PTSD, but just wanting to put out there that vvv


I find it hard to think one's brain could break by cheating.

broken heart syndrom is an established thing. So yes, I do think something like cheating can “break the brain” given the right combination of specific circumstances.

We readily accept emotional trauma in children through neglect, abandonment, bullying, gaslighting ... you name them. We readily accept that sudden bereavement can be highly traumatic. Yet, somehow that notion is dismissed when it comes to romantic relationships. Some people have just as strong an emotional bond to their romantic partner as others to a parent— so why would one case be able to break the brain but another wouldn’t, while it comes down to the same basic broken trust or loss.

***Missed my edit window by a few seconds because I was driving, wanted to add:

Can cheating or a breakup cause PTSD with its very specific symptoms set? Probably not. But it most definitely can “break your brain”.
 
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DharmaGirl

MyPTSD Pro
We readily accept emotional trauma in children through neglect, abandonment, bullying, gaslighting ... you name them.
My understanding was that the reason it was so traumatizing was because of the developmental stages of the child
break your brain
I meant PTSD. Sorry, my brain has severe PTSD from being prostituted out as a toddler, for one trauma. I also had someone lie and cheat on me as an adult and it didn't have the same impact as the first. That's what I was basing my thoughts on. They are only thoughts.
 

Mee

MyPTSD Pro
My understanding was that the reason it was so traumatizing was because of the developmental stages of the child

I meant PTSD. Sorry, my brain has severe PTSD from being prostituted out as a toddler, for one trauma. I also had someone lie and cheat on me as an adult and it didn't have the same impact as the first. That's what I was basing my thoughts on. They are only thoughts.

My perspective is kind of this- my traumas didn’t happen in isolation .

looking at it legally there is ( in England and Wales at least) the ‘eggshell skull principal’ from case law - and I think the same thing sort of applies to my PTSD . Would my precipitating trauma have been what it was had I not had CSA and previous rape ? No, almost certainly not. But I have - and thus the impact is what it is.

I think similar issues have phased people at times with things like marital rape and gender complexities . Our understanding changes- cultures are different, and the people involved and who they are at the point of trauma are different. That’s important because we all know that not everyone experiencing the same trauma gets PTSD ... even when the trauma is undisputed and long accepted. Some of those traumas weren’t accepted some years ago- it did not stop the result being PTSD .
 

DharmaGirl

MyPTSD Pro
My therapist makes a big divide between legal issues and psychological issues. Just because you can't prosecute it doesn't mean it's not trauma. The opposite is also true. I'm not trying to be argumentative. I know there are people who believe that PTSD is caused by less than type A trauma, and people who don't believe. I'm just trying to learn and understand. If I'm annoying anyone, I apologize.
 

Mee

MyPTSD Pro
My therapist makes a big divide between legal issues and psychological issues. Just because you can't prosecute it doesn't mean it's not trauma. The opposite is also true. I'm not trying to be argumentative. I know there are people who believe that PTSD is caused by less than type A trauma, and people who don't believe. I'm just trying to learn and understand. If I'm annoying anyone, I apologize.
Not annoying me for one...I’m going to be a wary as I know I could get triggered quite easily.
The reason I raise the legal comparison is because law lays behind but represents recognition of society or experts ( usually). It’s also .... kind of key to how I approach things from my background .

I will dig out some links in the next couple of days, ok?
 
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