Ptsd From Emotional Incest.... Like I Was Raped

[Charlotte77]

Hi. Im 17 years old and i have been diagnosed with severe PTSD from childhood abuse by three specialists three times so far this year. I also have OCD, Anxiety and Panic disorder. My mother abused me emotionally and physically. My father on the other hand unknowingly abused me through emotional incest, he came ot me with his problems with my mom and took my childhood away from me. And now i feel like im being suffocated by him on a daily basis. My parents both talked of their sexual relationships with each other many times in front of me which disturbed me but i also walked in on them once... and it seemed to be that my father was raping her ( he wasn't.... but my mother likes to pretend she doesn't like sex and is being raped... i know she is very sick) . Im always scared that my dad is sexually attracted to me.... i feel repulsed by him. I dont hate him because he cares, but he still abused me... and i really dont like him at times. I even have flashbacks of being raped by him... and it feels like someone is inside of me during them... i remember it was triggered once by my mother and father having sex and i heard them... i spent an hour and a half in my room crying a screaming... felling like my father was raping me... I cant be in a relationship or even be intimate with a guy without feeling me dad is watching me and i get turned off, or that the guy im intimate with IS my dad and. Even today i was driving and i turned the steering wheel... and then i screamed because i had thought the steering wheel was my fathers genitals or something for a second. I cant live like this anymore.... it effects me EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE. I just want to me able to be emotionally distant from my father and stop these flashbacks or whatever they are. Yesterday he came in my room and said 'just remember, i wont ever let anyone take you away from me' i know he means well or whatever but he is so disturbing... even though he hasn't raped me i feel like he has. He emotionally got too close to me... and i want to get away. I go to therapy but no therapist has really helped me with these problems. WHAT DO I DO???

 

[Friday]

i wont ever let anyone take you away from me' i know he means well or whatever

Why on earth would you think he means well???

That's not even the last thing I would think that statement means coming from a rapist and abuser. Threat, manipulation, or out and out statement of ownership, maybe. But not means well.

When you say no therapist has helped you with these things... Do you very bluntly say "I've watched my father rape my mother, I'm terrified of him raping me in addition to the physical abuse, and now he's coming into my room & telling me that no one is ever going to take me away from him." Cause if your therapist is telling you that they're sure he means well? Call a domestic violence women & children's shelter & tell them that.

 

[Charlotte77]

Why on earth would you think he means well???

That's not even the last thing I would think that st...

I dont think i made myself clear, he never raped my mother... she likes to pretend she doesnt like sex and that my father rapes her even though he never actually has. So for the longest time i thought he was raping her, and she was telling me that he was... but then she later on denied ever saying these things along with many other lies. ( she is a gaslighting narcissist) But I really needed help with the feeling of being watched/raped by him. He never in a million years would rape me. But he attached himself emotionally to me too much. FAR too much. When he says "ill never let anyone take you away from me' i assumed it came from his deep emotional attachment to me.

 

[Justmehere]

What you are describing is a little confusing and unclear, but that's ok. It sounds like things in your home are very confusing and there has been some clear abuse and trauma that has occurred with your mother being physically abusive. Your father sounds quite enmeshed, and lacking in appropriate parenting skills and boundaries. It sounds like you have been exposed to things you didn't understand and that kids and teens shouldn't have to deal with.

What can you do?

You are taking a great step by reaching out here. Keep reaching out to safe people.

You also need to go back to therapy. Yeah, I know that is one of the last things you wanted to hear, but it is pretty important to get some outside help from a safe adult while you are still living with your parents.

Tell the therapist you need help with internal and external boundaries while you are living at home.

Be very honest with the therapist about everything that is happening. Brutally honest. Don't protect your parents at all or hold back info about your symptoms. Tell them everything you are wriiting here and be specific. Just the fact your mother is telling her daughter that she is being rape by her father is really screwe up.

The therapist can help you significantly, and if they are not at least reporting your parents to child protective services, then something is really off kilter here. If the therapists you have seen have been so crappy, find another. Talk to them and keep talking.

When you are ready, as soon as possible, move out. Go away to college, and/or find a job - whatever it takes to safely get out of your parents house and put some distance between you and them.

Once you are able to do that, I imagine that you will find therapy for all the symptoms to be a lot more effective. It is really hard (if not impossible) to resolve symptoms from trauma while still living with the perpetrators and boundary invaders who are still actively engaged in unhealthy behaviors.

For now, therapy will still help even if you still have symptoms - you will be better off with it than with no support. Don't quit if you still have symptoms. It's just your body and brain trying to protect you from the possibility of further harm and invasion by your parents.

Also, it's actually common for things to feel worse for awhile when doing effective therapy - so don't stop therapy because you still have symptoms. Stick it out.

The more support you can get right now, the better off you will be for the short and long term.

Search for a therapist that does primarily trauma therapy. It may help to find one that focuses on adolescents too. If your parents are balking at a trauma therapist, go to whatever therapist you can, be very honest with them, and get that one to help you talk with your parents to get you to a trauma therapist.

If you can't get into a trauma therapist, please still talk to a therpist and work with them. Most therapists can step in with a number of interventions for a family with a lot of confusion and chaos like in yours. If the abuse is bad enough, they coul even help you get out of the house sooner in a variety of ways and take other steps to get your whole family help.

In the meantime, while you are still living there, every time your father tries to invade a boundary, say no, you won't talk about it, and go to another room or otherwise walk away - if you can.

Spend time with healthy safe friends. When I was going through hell at home, being at de friends hours Elle a lot and probably saved me from a lot of additional trauma.

Try to avoid any unhealthy friendships. You need to build up all safe coping skills as mciky as you can, and stay far away from developing unhealthy coping habits that could easily follow you into adulthood. Stay away from self injury, drugs, etc.

Talking to your school counselor or a raised teacher or coach for support might be another option to consider as well.

Most of all, don't forget that you are very brave and things will get better. Just the fact that you know how wrong all of this is - that is a good sign that you have a bright future ahead of you. Don't give up. There is hope and help out there. :hug:

 

[Charlotte77]

What you are describing is a little confusing and unclear, but that's ok. It sounds like things in yo...

Thank you so very much for your help and feedback, i really needed some lately, and you seem to be a very compassionate person. :)