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Sufferer PTSD from giving birth

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To be extremely brief, I have PTSD from giving birth. It's a long story with many awful details-just one thing after another. The worst thing is that after two failed invasive, painful, poorly executed and frightening inductions they said I needed a C Section.
My epidural failed and I felt the surgery. No one helped me they just let me suffer. I couldn't hold my son or even look at him because I was in so much pain and fear. I just closed my eyes and it felt like an eternity. It was a living nightmare. I felt my bladder being pushed away. I felt them tearing my body apart. They made the cut too small so my son came out injured from rough handling.I felt the sutures, the needles. All the time the anesthesiologist had his back to me talking to the computer guy about their new system. I wasn't being dramatic. It was agonizing.
I have panic attacks, hypervigilance, crazy intrusive thoughts about someone killing me or my family, depression, anxiety, and agoraphobia is creeping in.If someone asks me about the birthing process my hands shake and I cant speak. All I want to do is be left alone. Adjusting to a new mom life has been so incredibly difficult. I have no energy for anything. I need a break. I had a panic attack just seeing the logo of the hospital. I am so sick of mental illness.

I wish you all healing and days where it doesn't take every ounce of strength just to lift a glass of water to take a drink.
hello blackrabbit. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here but glad you are here.

for my own psychonickel, i list my eldest son's premature and harrowing birth as, "medical trauma." alas, it is not the only case of medical trauma in my broken life. i flipped out royally when the yaddah blahs of 2020 had the entire world looking like roaming surgical teams. i have yet to return from the increased social distances.

dunno if this fits your case, or not. i mostly wanted to welcome you aboard with hopes of making you feel less alone.
welcome aboard. i hope you find healing companionship here.
Welcome to the community 🤠

It’s rare, in first world countries, for your situation to happen… but it does happen. And the fear, not only for your own life but the life of your child? Is a profound thing.

Double down on any PPD, because hormones -from experience, as well as education- are insanely powerful… and get into trauma therapy pronto, if you haven’t already.

Over 90% of PTSD can be resolved, so even if you have the disorder forever? This isn’t the way you’ll need to live, forever. And the sooner you can get into treatment the better.
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