PTSD married to Passive Aggressive

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brat17

MyPTSD Pro
Almost 33 yrs of marriage with a big separation period ( 10 plus yrs). We are back together but not the way he would like it. It works for out grown kids and retirement. I won't go in to past of passive aggressive behaviors, but for me to tell this, it sounds like I am nuts-or he is almost gaslighting me, which he also does.
He left this morning for a week long trip with the guys. Im good with that. He was aware that I am doing some serious painting and stripping of wallpaper.. Its a big job but our house needs it, and he usually sits while I work and that pissed me off so its a good time since her will be gone for a week.

We have a new puppy who is 14 weeks old ( got him at 8 weeks. He sent me a couple messages today, asking how the pup is. Not how I am, not how by paining is coming. ( I painted from noon til 2 am. I took many breaks for the pup.Pup had been a little sad being gated part of the day, but all of a sudden he had diahria all over the house. Ive been cleaning it up for house. Finally I decided to just hir someone to take care of it. Not a doubt in my mind that he fed him something at 5 am before he left. Im not a treat with ptsd so I feel like I have to accept it. Any thoughts.
 
Hey @brat17 - well first off I feel like giving you some medals for staying in that home and even trying to re-decorate it. So well done you! It must really be worth it if you are trying again after a ten year break. I'd just like to hear that you are feeling happy.

IF he did give the pup something that upset it's tummy - he's a complete prick. Has he shown any interest in the pup before this? Or is his sudden concern making you suspicious?

If he did make the pup sick... I'd get some of the diarrhea and put it in his f*kin soup for when he comes home.. lol... then when he's sitting up half the night in the bathroom... ask how he's going...

**No.. don't take my advice I'm a vindictive bitch.. lol
 

The Albatross

MyPTSD Pro
Sounds to me like shit happens (not being facetious), more likely paint. You really larded up a week long trip away, him not asking how you are and a pup with the runs for someone who's glad/okay with him being gone for a week. If he sits while you work, why did you want him to ask how your project is coming?
 

HealingInProcess

Not Active
Sounds to me like shit happens (not being facetious), more likely paint. You really larded up a week long trip away, him not asking how you are and a pup with the runs for someone who's glad/okay with him being gone for a week. If he sits while you work, why did you want him to ask how your project is coming?

I agree with Albatross here that it sounds like he does not or has difficulty providing affirmation. He is asking about the puppy which could be his way of checking in on things. I don't know why he's not direct but that may just be the way he is. I am glad you are doing this big job even without help!
 

brat17

MyPTSD Pro
Blackemerald-he loves the pup. We are both in love with this adorable little guy. I haven't given pup any table food yet but husband is often suggesting a piece of hamburger or cheese. I know their digestive systems are not ready for that so I always tell him no. Happy....what is happy? Im content maybe. A little comfortable most of the time....considering ptsd.

Im deliberately doing this work while he is out of town. When he is home, I have to stop what Im doing to get dinner every night. Now I can just make a bowl of soup and crash at the end of the day.
 

EveHarrington

MyPTSD Pro
I totally understand how passive aggressive BS can stir up our PTSD stuff! My dad was extremely passive aggressive......my brother couldn’t see it, so the one time I responded in a passive aggressive way to my dad (exact same behavior he had shown me dozens and dozens of times), my brother (who had seen his PA behavior just as many times) lambasted me for it, and of course I was dumbstruck.

My ex was passive aggressive in arguments and I couldn’t handle it.
 

brat17

MyPTSD Pro
@Albatross-managing ptsd is hard enough without bullshit. Maybe he didn't even feed the dog something. (maybe just a case of "shit happens"), but having raised two kids with him and him undermining me along the way, or sabotaging my efforts and then playing innocent, it does make me feel that all my efforts to do anything good are futile. Those feelings lead to anxiety and depression and sometimes are a trigger that leads to worse ptsd symptoms.

@EveHarrington I can see that you know just what I am talking about. Having a parent aggressive parent had to really suck. I was not experienced with "passive aggressive" until a marriage counselor told me that he is almost 20 yrs ago. Back then, if I went out in the evening, he would put chains on the doors so I couldn't get in with a key and then go to bed and turn up the tv and pretend that he couldn't hear me. We didn't have cell phones then. Things he did was horrible. Back then I was calm and rational (pre ptsd symptoms). If he pulled that shit now, he knows he would be gone again in a second. I guess that's why I see him doing something on his way out of town. Thinking I will be calmed down when he returns in a week.

Yesterday puppy still had shits. So far today we are good. We will see. But the puppy hasn't had this in the 7 weeks we have had him.
 

Gs172003

MyPTSD Pro
@Albatross-managing ptsd is hard enough without bullshit. Maybe he didn't even feed the dog something. (maybe just a case of "shit happens"), but having raised two kids with him and him undermining me along the way, or sabotaging my efforts and then playing innocent, it does make me feel that all my efforts to do anything good are futile. Those feelings lead to anxiety and depression and sometimes are a trigger that leads to worse ptsd symptoms.

@EveHarrington I can see that you know just what I am talking about. Having a parent aggressive parent had to really suck. I was not experienced with "passive aggressive" until a marriage counselor told me that he is almost 20 yrs ago. Back then, if I went out in the evening, he would put chains on the doors so I couldn't get in with a key and then go to bed and turn up the tv and pretend that he couldn't hear me. We didn't have cell phones then. Things he did was horrible. Back then I was calm and rational (pre ptsd symptoms). If he pulled that shit now, he knows he would be gone again in a second. I guess that's why I see him doing something on his way out of town. Thinking I will be calmed down when he returns in a week.

Yesterday puppy still had shits. So far today we are good. We will see. But the puppy hasn't had this in the 7 weeks we have had him.
Have you taken the puppy to the vet to rule out a medical issue?
 

Sideways

Moderator
Puppies are like babies. They get the runs. Only, without the civility of having a nappy in place.

@Zoogal is right. A trip to the vet to rule out things that puppy isn’t old enough to be vacinnnated for yet, as well as checking for dehydration (kills too easily).

Vet should be able to give you advice on diet that would likely improve the situation. Puppies typically do well on stock standard puppy-labelled food and puppy milk (not ordinary milk). If puppy food is causing tummy troubles, altering that diet in a way that’s safe for puppy and will meet nutritional needs can get very difficult very quickly.

It’s interesting to me that puppy having the runs (totally normal for young puppies) instantly makes you question your partner and whether he had something to do with it. Because, not only is puppy having the runs reeeally normal, it suggests that there’s really really mammoth trust issues going on for you here.

If someone came to me at work with “my puppy has the runs”, even just wondering if the pup was deliberately misfed would be a long long way down the list of likely causes. That speaks to the trust issues here for you, and just how front and centre they still are for you maybe...?
 

brat17

MyPTSD Pro
I haven't taken pup to vet because I was waiting to see if it continued. Thankfully he did not have it today. Puppy is on something that our vet recommended and sells and is hight quality. I have had two other dogs on it without problems, but yes if it continued or starts again, he will be going to the vet.

There is mammoth trust issues. I know we have a very strange relationship. I can trust him in certain areas without problem, while other areas I just don't because of past behaviors and communications. Our marriage counselor said that he likes keeping me sick (physically) and he doesn't seem to mind that I have ptsd at all. Im not allowed to cry or he gets really pissed and can be abusive. So you are really right Sideways....definate trust issues.

I guess I did leave out one issue of all of this. I am painting a foyer in an old victorian that is 1st and 2nd floor with front and back staircases. (ceilings, walls, trim) Each floor is about 12x12. On the second floor there are 8 doors with trim that all get painted. I am doing this all with the exception of a section that requires a ladder that I cant carry and its where the first floor goes all the way up to the top of the second, about 20 or more feet tall. He is to do that when I am done. Its really hard for me to get him to do things but he agreed to this if I got the other done.

@Fadeaway -I can sure see why its one of the hardest mixes since ptsd often has big trust issues and PA is so slippery. You know your dealing with PA though when you feel angry at them and sorry for them at the same time.
 
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