Relationship PTSD relationship

D

Derek

Hello, I feel really terrible because I messed up... My girlfriend has PTSD, Depression, and anxiety. And her trauma has to do with the cops. A couple days ago, my girlfriend was getting this really bad urge to commit suicide. I was gonna meet up with her and she told me we should because she feels like she'll do something stupid. Also, she said she can't shake the feeling, and really wants to do it. Overtime, we weren't able to meet up sadly because of parents and distance, and she started saying she'll be fine right after. She said to give her space, and I gave her a couple hours, which then she wasn't replying. I told her I'd call someone to check on her (I didn't have the parents numbers sadly), and after another hour I called the suicide hotline and I thought they were gonna have someone pick her up... but apparently they called the cops. I really tried to stop them and called the station but they were already there and refused to.

She was avoiding me the last 2 days, and she finally told me that she knows that I said that I won't do it ever again and apologized for it, but she's lost alot of trust in me and can't believe in me. She even couldn't talk to me those last 2 days because this triggered her PTSD badly. Today were able to talk for a bit today and we stayed up all night. She finally fell asleep so I'm making this post. But after she said that she said she wants to be in this relationship and wants to do a list of things with me, as well as she wants to get better for me. She doesn't want to pull an impulsive stunt and lose me. And I reciprocate this feeling and want to continue this relationship too...

We talked things out and she's actually willing to try therapy again (her 2nd time). I'm trying to see if she can do EMDR therapy because it's apparently a really successful treatment. I just wanted to ask how can I support her in this... or support her better in general. How can I support her in therapy as well, she might try to avoid it.. but how can I support her in that as well (we looked for therapists but we took a break since it was overwhelming for her). And when she does the sessions how can I also support her, if she doesn't want to go I think I can see if I can help motivate her but I won't force her to go. Finally, how can I regain that trust and help her believe me, I know what I did was wrong and I really regret it, it wasn't my intention at all. Thank you for reading and I hope you all have a good day.
 

joeylittle

Administrator
She was avoiding me the last 2 days, and she finally told me that she knows that I said that I won't do it ever again and apologized for it, but she's lost alot of trust in me and can't believe in me.
No, this isn't your fault. You did the right thing. I understand that she's upset, but she put you in a bad position.
Finally, how can I regain that trust and help her believe me, I know what I did was wrong
For all you knew, she was in a crisis situation and there needed to be intervention. It's hard, but you can't take on the responsibility of keeping her alive. And it's not fair of her to ask you for that. She really does need a therapist for support.
 

Sweetpea76

Moderator
You’re going to have to change your mindset about helping with her treatment. You cannot help her with this. You cannot make her go to therapy, you cannot make her take meds, you cannot make her do the work she needs to do. Same thing with “encouraging” or “facilitating”... however you look at it. A lot of supporters want to help or fix... we cannot do that. It’s a process she has to go through. She has to want to go through it, and she has to want to do the work. Only she can do it. You can’t do any of it for her.

Trust me, it would be easier if we could help. It’s frustrating as hell to watch things from the sidelines. We just have to sit on our hands... And beware of her asking help. If you do it for her she won’t make any progress, and if she’s codependent it gets toxic as hell.

Get the helping and fixing out of your mind. Also get the responsibility out of your mind. You can’t be in charge of her mental health.
You didn’t trigger her. *She* was triggered when she had to deal with the cops. That’s in her head, so she’s responsible, not you. Anything that happens in her head is her responsibility.

Likewise with the situation *she* put you in. You probably panicked for hours before calling the suicide hotline, and her ignoring contact after talking about suicide was a shitty thing to do. Did she apologize for putting you through that while she was busy blaming you for triggering her? What about her earning your trust back? Things go both ways here. Play that game you get the cops for your own safety. Again, caused by her actions.

Yes, it’s heartbreaking. Yes, she has mental health issues. Yes, you need to be empathetic. However you cannot let her steamroll over your own mental well-being because she is ill. That’s not loving. Being a martyr isn’t romantic, it’s codependent.
 

EveHarrington

MyPTSD Pro
I’d like to add that I’ve had wellness checks called on me and it was a pain in the arse.....I HATED IT! The cops take you to the local hospital, not the psych hospital, and I hate the local hospital. So if I’m in crisis, and I need help, I have to be proactive so that I end up in the good hospital. This means that I reach out for help when I need help.

I hope that your girlfriend will get the help that she needs so that she can learn to reach out for help when she needs help.

I view things like this, which may help you. My “job” as a friend, family member, etc isn’t to fix anyone. If someone needs help, then what I can do for them is help them get to the people who can help them best. Of course they must want the help. I just know how hard it can be to need help and be mentally “frozen”. You could offer help by offering to get them started with finding a therapist, or encouraging them to go to their appointments, or taking them to appointments if they have days when they simply need help getting themselves to the appointment. This kind of support can be huge.
 
Last edited:
Top