OK, a little history on me. I am a 30yo female who experienced a very brutal rape at the age of 12, by a guy in his 40's. I finally dealt with it when I was 17yo, did therapy, meds, etc. I was depressed, suicidal, into self harm, etc. Anyways for 10 years now I have been much better, graduated from college, and have a successful career. That is to say no self-harm, no therapy, no meds, no flashbacks, etc. I have learned to love life and myself. However, I have missed out on falling in love or being in a relationship. I am not cured just better, still have to fight everyday with depression, but I get by, because I do love life. I continue to have issues with intimacy. I am not attracted to men or women physically. The thoughts of sex and kissing really have no appeal to me. However, I feel very lonely and want to be in a relationship. I am not saying that I am anti-intimacy, it just does not appeal to me. Anyways I find myself being attracted to a woman lately, that is emotionally attracted to everything about her and who she is. I have all this crap running through my head. I have never thought of myself as gay or bi- or whatever, labels don't matter. Then I find myself overthinking, maybe I am attracted to her because she is a woman and poses no threat to me, and I have issues with men and intimacy. Does it really matter why I like her, or does it just matter that I do like her? Do I only like her because I am lonely? I just feel so lost. These are some of the multiple questions I keep asking myself. Despite the years of therapy I have never said the words out loud that I was raped, I have never spoke about my emotions. I have just avoided dealing with my emotions as much as possible. I am very non-assertive and have a lot of trouble expressing my emotions. I would greatly appreciate any input from anyone. Thanks for your time.