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PTSD, Relationships & Intimacy

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geocacher

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OK, a little history on me. I am a 30yo female who experienced a very brutal rape at the age of 12, by a guy in his 40's. I finally dealt with it when I was 17yo, did therapy, meds, etc. I was depressed, suicidal, into self harm, etc. Anyways for 10 years now I have been much better, graduated from college, and have a successful career. That is to say no self-harm, no therapy, no meds, no flashbacks, etc. I have learned to love life and myself. However, I have missed out on falling in love or being in a relationship. I am not cured just better, still have to fight everyday with depression, but I get by, because I do love life. I continue to have issues with intimacy. I am not attracted to men or women physically. The thoughts of sex and kissing really have no appeal to me. However, I feel very lonely and want to be in a relationship. I am not saying that I am anti-intimacy, it just does not appeal to me. Anyways I find myself being attracted to a woman lately, that is emotionally attracted to everything about her and who she is. I have all this crap running through my head. I have never thought of myself as gay or bi- or whatever, labels don't matter. Then I find myself overthinking, maybe I am attracted to her because she is a woman and poses no threat to me, and I have issues with men and intimacy. Does it really matter why I like her, or does it just matter that I do like her? Do I only like her because I am lonely? I just feel so lost. These are some of the multiple questions I keep asking myself. Despite the years of therapy I have never said the words out loud that I was raped, I have never spoke about my emotions. I have just avoided dealing with my emotions as much as possible. I am very non-assertive and have a lot of trouble expressing my emotions. I would greatly appreciate any input from anyone. Thanks for your time.
 
Sounds to me like you actually have done some work on yourself, and knowing ourselves is key to allowing others into our world.

Sounds like you might like to experiment with any kind of relationship with this woman.....even a safe friendship......if something else develops, then check in with yourself then. Don't let your fear or judgment of this get in the way of getting some of your needs for affection and intimacy met.

I'd say, one day at a time........as long as you remain peaceful, happy, are enjoying the relationship for whatever it turns out to be......then enjoy the moments. That's truly all we have and don't take it any further than that. Try not to involve the past in this current attraction.......the past may have nothing to do with it.
 
I was a sex educator for many years. Many people have their sexual orientation evolve or change over the years. Is it an issue with men? Maybe. But does that really matter? i think the purpose of life is to follow your heart and thereby discover what you are supposed to discover.
 
A lot of people say that they do not care what others think about them. Often people say this because they would like to think that they don't care what others think. I am one of those people, where I like to think that what others think doesn't bother me. This is true for the most part, but I don't accept criticism well at all, or even compliments for that matter. I guess because those are reactions to what I have done, not who I am. I don't really care if others judge me on who I am because there is nothing I can do about who I am, other than pretend to be something other than who I am, which is just wrong. Anyways I am not sure that I am Bi-sexual, but am thinking that I am, because I am strongly attracted to a woman. I really do not care about coming out or what others think of me, because that is just who I am. What I do care about is if this woman (who is Bi-) rejects me. I have a lot of trouble dealing with that type of emotion and feel that I am setting myself up for strong emotions that I cannot deal with, and will need to hurt myself (just punch a wall, nothing serious), and I do not want to deal with a relapse of self-injury, even if it is only once. I had gone many years without any self-harm at all, until a few months ago. Things got very overwhelming at work, I cried, couldn't deal with crying and had to punch a wall in order to compose myself(not out of anger). I am still kicking myself for having done that, because to me that is weakness. On the other end of things, less pessimistic...if things go right with her, am I going to be able to deal with that? I know I am always over thinking things, I can't deal with things not going right.
 
Great. As TLight says, you've down some work and probably have already come a long way. I'm sure you'll take it slow, because of the concerns you mentioned.

I completely understand the feelings of not wanting to care what other's think, but caring anyway. I think most people here would say, take some time caring for yourself and learning to like yourself. And that this takes patience.

I think they're right. Good luck!
 
thanks for the input. I realize I have come a long way. It has not come easy. I just fear that my never dealing with my emotions is a problem. I fear rejection, but then again who does not. I really like this woman and am going to regret not acting on it, if I do not talk to her. However, if she rejects me I am not only not sure how I would take that, but not sure how it would affect our current friendship/work relationship.
 
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