dismalgreen
New Here
I found this forum as it was recomended by a Twitch streamer I follow. Thought this may be a good outlet for my story at some stage. I was in therapy for about 2.5 years up until Covid. Throughout this time, I discussed every other traumatic event I'd endured but I didn't have the courage to talk about my sexual assult with my therapist. I wasn't ready. For a long time, I'd been in denial about it, I very much blamed myself and convinced myself that I wasn't assulted. But I was.
I've recently started seeing how much this has affected me: I now find it difficult to trust people. I will blame myself (to the point of feeling suicidal) for minor wrongdoings. Physical affection does, in fact, scare me despite having sexual experiences since my assult. I also often think to myself "I don't understand why someone would want me in that way consensually, let alone by force". (A general self esteem issue, I gather). I also find myself playing out the event in my mind to try and "re-write the tape" to make it not happen. At one stage I turned to drugs (cocaine) to help me feel more human again and make myself feel like I'm gaining power back. Has anyone else had a similar experience?
I've recently started seeing how much this has affected me: I now find it difficult to trust people. I will blame myself (to the point of feeling suicidal) for minor wrongdoings. Physical affection does, in fact, scare me despite having sexual experiences since my assult. I also often think to myself "I don't understand why someone would want me in that way consensually, let alone by force". (A general self esteem issue, I gather). I also find myself playing out the event in my mind to try and "re-write the tape" to make it not happen. At one stage I turned to drugs (cocaine) to help me feel more human again and make myself feel like I'm gaining power back. Has anyone else had a similar experience?