Sufferer PTSD / sexual assult survivor

dismalgreen

New Here
I found this forum as it was recomended by a Twitch streamer I follow. Thought this may be a good outlet for my story at some stage. I was in therapy for about 2.5 years up until Covid. Throughout this time, I discussed every other traumatic event I'd endured but I didn't have the courage to talk about my sexual assult with my therapist. I wasn't ready. For a long time, I'd been in denial about it, I very much blamed myself and convinced myself that I wasn't assulted. But I was.

I've recently started seeing how much this has affected me: I now find it difficult to trust people. I will blame myself (to the point of feeling suicidal) for minor wrongdoings. Physical affection does, in fact, scare me despite having sexual experiences since my assult. I also often think to myself "I don't understand why someone would want me in that way consensually, let alone by force". (A general self esteem issue, I gather). I also find myself playing out the event in my mind to try and "re-write the tape" to make it not happen. At one stage I turned to drugs (cocaine) to help me feel more human again and make myself feel like I'm gaining power back. Has anyone else had a similar experience?
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
Welcome and sorry for what you have been through.

My brief story: assaulted/abused by another child when we were 11/12. Drinking started then, drugs started about 15/16. Rape then too and sexual exploitation (I call it that anyways). Denial of all of this until mid 20's. But then didn't want to deal with it then really, so stuffed it all back in an pretended everything was ok until last year, in my 40's.

The things to try to believe:
It wasn't your fault.
You are not responsible in any way.
It did happen, and that is unfair, not right, but it is not a reflection of anything wrong about you.
Your feelings about it can change.
How you understand yourself can change.
Your feeling about you can change.

It won't always feel like it feels now.

It sounds like your drug use is in the past? So you have already made positive change? That is a big step and congratulations. That shows you that you have strength inside you to look after yourself and value yourself.
 

David1959

Confident
At one stage I turned to drugs (cocaine) to help me feel
Hi dismalgreen, I am so sorry you are dealing with this, I understand your pain. I was in a virtual session yesterday (my 3rd) with a new Therapist. As a survivor from sexual assault from 10-12 and as one who never said anything for over 40 years until my life collapsed I get it. She made an interesting comment yesterday when discussing my lack of childhood memories and the fact that I started using drugs at 13. She said it is not unusual to lose those memories due to the drug use.

I am a little worried going forward as yesterday we agreed that we are going to work to explore all the memories and that is scary.
 

dismalgreen

New Here
Hi dismalgreen, I am so sorry you are dealing with this, I understand your pain. I was in a virtual session yesterday (my 3rd) with a new Therapist. As a survivor from sexual assault from 10-12 and as one who never said anything for over 40 years until my life collapsed I get it. She made an interesting comment yesterday when discussing my lack of childhood memories and the fact that I started using drugs at 13. She said it is not unusual to lose those memories due to the drug use.

I am a little worried going forward as yesterday we agreed that we are going to work to explore all the memories and that is scary.
Yes! I sympathise with this. I have very few childhood memories too. I truly hope your therapy sessions on exploring your childhood memories goes well.
 

Madwomeninabox

Learning
Hello dismalgreen.
You are so brave for sharing and for talking about all you have already talked about in therapy.
I'm glad you found this form it's a good one. Hopefully because it's anonymous it will be a little easier to talk about stuff.

I am just now to the point where I am starting to let myself see what happened to me was not my fault. For me it was almost easier to blame myself. Because if it was my fault then I wasn't actually hurt and I wasn't actually in danger.
I relate to trying to convince yourself that it wasn't assault because saying that it was is so scary.

The way you reacted to what happened to you is completely understandable. I heard ptsd described as your brains normally reaction to abnormal life experiences.
Now im not saying all relations are healthy. What I am saying is your brain was and is doing the best it can given the circumstances.
 

David1959

Confident
Welcome @dismalgreen. I think most people who have experienced a sexual assault feel like you do. You're not alone. People here will understand and I hope you are willing to lean on us for support when you need it.

I want to be sure to say this: no matter how you may feel, it wasn't your fault.
I guess when I get to the point I do not blame myself I will be healed, that seems 100 miles away
 
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