Lostnbroken
New Here
Hi, i am new here, and im going through a difficult time, could really use some perspective. I (M38) and her (F34) had been dating only 2 months, so maybe this isn't such a severe situation, but it still feels very painful because we moved fast and spent a lot of time together, and I fell in love with her.
She told me early on that she has adhd (takes meds for it, and is pretty well under control) as well as ptsd, but didn't go into detail about it. We were really comfortable and liked each other a lot right away, having 3-4 dates together per week, staying over many nights, etc. It was wonderful. she was very interested in me, would hint at long term things, like saying "if we ever move in together...",we were making trip plans, and she even said "you never know, I could be the one" as we were going to sleep one night.
Things got less comfortable after I triggered her. I have a tendency to be a bit needy, I admit, and the first triggering scenario was this (about 3 weeks in): I came over in the late evening and she was on the phone with a friend for 30min after I had arrived, and she was also doing some baking in the kitchen, which she continued after the call. this made me feel a bit like I was "third-wheel" to her own activities, and I said i need some air and went out for a 5minute walk. Came back and explained to her that I just felt ignored, but that it is my own issue I'm working on and I don't blame her. This made her worried, and this is when she told me more about her ptsd and past relationship, although still vague on details, and she cried briefly. but she explained that her previous partner was emotionally (possibly physically too) abusive, cheated on her, and would behave in a similar way. But after talking for a bit, we were seemingly back to normal.
2nd trigger was: she was away at a cottage for a week (something planned before we met, i couldn't go due to work) and I sent her a slightly needy text (wondering why she didn't reply for a while.) She phoned me and was what seemed to me overly angry about it. but we had dinner that night, and talked it out, and she even told me "i'm not going anywhere".
And then i (stupidly) sent a similar anxious text again a couple days later, in response to her growing distance. again, triggers for her from similar communication behaviour of a past abusive partner. We then had a talk 2 days later to discuss these issues, she was mad at me for acting that way but we ultimately agreed to slow things down, have better boundaries, and move forward. She had given me keys to her apartment before the cottage trip so I could water plants, etc., but she asked for the keys back that night. From this point she is noticeably more distant, didn't want to kiss or cuddle much.
2 days later on Saturday we spent the day biking around the city, she was friendly but remained distant, her demeanor towards me changed to almost a mild dislike at times, & some but minimal affection. That was the last time i saw her.
We spoke on the phone and texted for 4 more days, she delayed a dinner date we had for Wed (working late), to Friday. She texts me on Thu night that she "isn't feeling romantic feelings for me right now" and wants to slow down even more, to 'reset' things. And then Friday morning texts that she needs to step back and evaluate her feelings, and to give her space and time, and she would reach out when/if she is ready.
I was distraught by this, but I did what she asked, except I sent an email that evening trying to reason with her about how good we are, and we can work it out, etc.
She was silent. I read everything i could about ptsd, & adhd during this time. I sent another email, poring my heart out and being compassionate to what she's going through, about 9 days later.
Then, just today, after 12 days of silence, she texts and simply says she does not want to pursue a relationship with me, and not to contact her anymore.
I am really broken and confused.
I dont know how much of this is due to ptsd, or if she just didn't like me anymore. we had some other minor issues as any couple might, but none were worthy of this kind of reaction. She is passionate about social issues/feminism and because of her past seemingly has a distrust of men which felt like it put pressure on me. she would sometimes get angry at me in convos when i had a different perspective (emotional dysregulation?)... it felt like maybe she would feel less for me. I had to walk on eggshells to an extent. We also had some minor miscommunication in the bedroom, but again nothing we couldn't work out. In the first part of the relationship, she saw this as no problem and was compassionate and understanding, just something we will work on.
In our final phone convos, I remember she was saying things vaguely alluding to where this was going. Like she talked about a college friend that asked her out but she rejected, and then he was difficult afterwards, harassing her with several emails, which she says was traumatic. Although i think my emails are not the same at all as that (i was not an unwanted suitor for one), i wonder if they were triggering and made her more fearful. She also brought up that she felt our sexlife was not great, so changing her previous perspective on that to negative.
The way she broke up with me was so heartless, and without explanation. It makes me feel so worthless. It feels like she is stuck in a ptsd mindset and has cast me as an enemy. I wonder if there is any chance after more time and healing she might change her mind and come back to me?
thanks for any feedback, I really appreciate this community.
She told me early on that she has adhd (takes meds for it, and is pretty well under control) as well as ptsd, but didn't go into detail about it. We were really comfortable and liked each other a lot right away, having 3-4 dates together per week, staying over many nights, etc. It was wonderful. she was very interested in me, would hint at long term things, like saying "if we ever move in together...",we were making trip plans, and she even said "you never know, I could be the one" as we were going to sleep one night.
Things got less comfortable after I triggered her. I have a tendency to be a bit needy, I admit, and the first triggering scenario was this (about 3 weeks in): I came over in the late evening and she was on the phone with a friend for 30min after I had arrived, and she was also doing some baking in the kitchen, which she continued after the call. this made me feel a bit like I was "third-wheel" to her own activities, and I said i need some air and went out for a 5minute walk. Came back and explained to her that I just felt ignored, but that it is my own issue I'm working on and I don't blame her. This made her worried, and this is when she told me more about her ptsd and past relationship, although still vague on details, and she cried briefly. but she explained that her previous partner was emotionally (possibly physically too) abusive, cheated on her, and would behave in a similar way. But after talking for a bit, we were seemingly back to normal.
2nd trigger was: she was away at a cottage for a week (something planned before we met, i couldn't go due to work) and I sent her a slightly needy text (wondering why she didn't reply for a while.) She phoned me and was what seemed to me overly angry about it. but we had dinner that night, and talked it out, and she even told me "i'm not going anywhere".
And then i (stupidly) sent a similar anxious text again a couple days later, in response to her growing distance. again, triggers for her from similar communication behaviour of a past abusive partner. We then had a talk 2 days later to discuss these issues, she was mad at me for acting that way but we ultimately agreed to slow things down, have better boundaries, and move forward. She had given me keys to her apartment before the cottage trip so I could water plants, etc., but she asked for the keys back that night. From this point she is noticeably more distant, didn't want to kiss or cuddle much.
2 days later on Saturday we spent the day biking around the city, she was friendly but remained distant, her demeanor towards me changed to almost a mild dislike at times, & some but minimal affection. That was the last time i saw her.
We spoke on the phone and texted for 4 more days, she delayed a dinner date we had for Wed (working late), to Friday. She texts me on Thu night that she "isn't feeling romantic feelings for me right now" and wants to slow down even more, to 'reset' things. And then Friday morning texts that she needs to step back and evaluate her feelings, and to give her space and time, and she would reach out when/if she is ready.
I was distraught by this, but I did what she asked, except I sent an email that evening trying to reason with her about how good we are, and we can work it out, etc.
She was silent. I read everything i could about ptsd, & adhd during this time. I sent another email, poring my heart out and being compassionate to what she's going through, about 9 days later.
Then, just today, after 12 days of silence, she texts and simply says she does not want to pursue a relationship with me, and not to contact her anymore.
I am really broken and confused.
I dont know how much of this is due to ptsd, or if she just didn't like me anymore. we had some other minor issues as any couple might, but none were worthy of this kind of reaction. She is passionate about social issues/feminism and because of her past seemingly has a distrust of men which felt like it put pressure on me. she would sometimes get angry at me in convos when i had a different perspective (emotional dysregulation?)... it felt like maybe she would feel less for me. I had to walk on eggshells to an extent. We also had some minor miscommunication in the bedroom, but again nothing we couldn't work out. In the first part of the relationship, she saw this as no problem and was compassionate and understanding, just something we will work on.
In our final phone convos, I remember she was saying things vaguely alluding to where this was going. Like she talked about a college friend that asked her out but she rejected, and then he was difficult afterwards, harassing her with several emails, which she says was traumatic. Although i think my emails are not the same at all as that (i was not an unwanted suitor for one), i wonder if they were triggering and made her more fearful. She also brought up that she felt our sexlife was not great, so changing her previous perspective on that to negative.
The way she broke up with me was so heartless, and without explanation. It makes me feel so worthless. It feels like she is stuck in a ptsd mindset and has cast me as an enemy. I wonder if there is any chance after more time and healing she might change her mind and come back to me?
thanks for any feedback, I really appreciate this community.