Supporter PTSD "Survivor" Mom in need of help supporting PTSD daughter and Son

K's Mom

New Here
My heart goes out to all with PTSD and their supporters!!! It can be a very difficult condition to live with! I know this because I'm a mom that was diagnosed with PTSD in 1989 due to having a neglected/dysfunctional childhood (my mother had TBI after being struck by a drunk driver - I was left to care for her at a young age) and later being in an abusive relationship.

Through many years of counseling and practicing meditation, I've done well over the last 20+ years. My PTSD symptoms rarely occur unless triggered by a wholly unforeseen event. When they do emerge I'm usually able to avoid going down a rabbit hole for very long. But lately, staying away from the rabbit hole seems to be getting tougher . . .

The divorce from my ex-husband affected both of my children greatly. He was and still is a "hands-off" parent, minimally involved in their lives. My 38-year-old daughter began hanging out with the "wrong crowd" in her teens and left home at 18. She returned home in desperation when she was 20. That ended after she struck me for not agreeing to allow her BF to also move in. We (dtr and I) have been estranged since 2003.

My son, after going through a rough patch in his 20's got counseling. He's now 36. I'm proud of the man he has become - engaged to marry a wonderful woman, witty, compassionate, and loved by babies and old folks alike. My daughter has gone through many relationships that ended badly though.

. . .

My daughter's last relationship ended when her then BF threatened to shoot himself in the head if she'd leave him. The gun went off accidentally and he died in her arms. My daughter has had severer PTSD ever since the incident which was about eight years ago. According to my son, my dtr recently admitted to him that she has been doing meth for the last five years. She had a psychotic episode that resulted in hospitalization by self-referral last weekend. My son picked her up the following day. She was released because she became disengaged, irritable, stubborn and didn't want to stay. She wants residential/inpatient detox and mental health treatment which the hospital determined she wasn't "bad" enough to receive.

My son asked me to research other facilities and their admission policies, etc. He says he feels compelled to try and help her because if he didn't and she committed suicide he wouldn't be able to forgive himself. I want to help my son to help my daughter. I'd like to know that my daughter is getting help - even if she never talked to me again. But I can feel my body becoming more tense and my mind more anxiety stricken because of the added emotional and mental stress over what's going on. I can feel myself becoming more susceptible to my own PTSD symptoms rising more easily. I feel as if I'm in a quandary near fast moving quicksand and unsure of which way to turn.

Kind regards and hugs to all PTSD sufferers and the loved ones that support them <3

Thanks for reading/listening - I'm sorry this was looooong :-|
 
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Friday

Moderator
Welcome to the community! 😃
She wants residential/inpatient detox and mental health treatment which the hospital determined she wasn't "bad" enough to receive.
My son asked me to research other facilities and their admission policies, etc.

The magic phrase in your search criteria is going to be “dual diagnosis”. Unlike regular treatment facilities or hospital detox, these are clinics/hospitals that specialize in addiction PLUS one or more psychiatric conditions. Whilst most states have thousands of drug & alcohol rehab facilities, most states only have a small handful -at best, and often as little as 1- dual diagnosis treatment facilities.

They’re not 28 day programs, but often 3-6mo long... or longer. As they’re not simply addressing addiction, but also mental health conditions that need waaaaaaay more specialized care. Which also means they’re staffed with doctors, nurses, & psychologists / seriously badass support... rather than 3 month - 2year CDPs.

But I can feel my body becoming more tense and my mind more anxiety stricken because of the added emotional and mental stress over what's going on. I can feel myself becoming more susceptible to my own PTSD symptoms rising more easily. I feel as if I'm in a quandary near fast moving quicksand and unsure of which way to turn.
You probably already know most of this... but? THIS >>> The ptsd cup explanation

Speaking as a mom, I toss my own stuff to the side for my kid by pure reflex ...and then I’m of no use to my kid. Headdesk. The whole “put on your own oxygen mask first” bit... can be excruciating as a parent. But if you need any backup in that it’s the best thing to do? Really. Just carry that article around in your back pocket. You know you’re better when you’re strong, but staying strong means taking care of yourself. It really, really, reeeeeally is the right thing to do.
 

K's Mom

New Here
Yep “dual diagnosis” is the correct term. Thank you for your reply. The facility she went to offered a dual diagnosis program, offered her a 30 day preliminary stay (with possible extension) which she
refused. I don’t know why . . .

I should have been more clear in my previous posts . . . The hospital that my daughter went to only accepts dual diagnosis patient AND if a patient is accepted into a program they offer all patients 30 days to begin with.

There is a huge homeless population - ground sleepers, tent allowed, massive decked out RV’s. People of different social economic strata. I think (but not sure) that that hospital wants to ensure they admit patient’s that really do need extended help.
 

AngelkeeperJ

Sponsor
Welcome to the Forum!
Self-care is a must so it's a good thing you are doing by coming here willing to learn whatever is necessary to be able to deal with the here and now. There's more experience here than we can fathom which is sad, but I am so very grateful for everyone here!

The hardest thing about parenting is certainly seeing our children suffer! I didn't realize how difficult that was going to be until I became a mother but it's truly excruciating...

I'm so sorry that you and your daughter are estranged! I can't imagine how hard that is...my son and I have a great relationship but he went through his struggle with drugs and the law. He's married now with 4 littles and is happy and adjusted. Still has some issues but is doing well.

My little girl went to heaven 27 years ago (she was 11) and I am my mom's caretaker. I'm grateful for my life most days but it's been a work in progress and a lot of prayer.

I hope to see you around! I have been a member for 9 years now. It's a safe place👍🏼
 

K's Mom

New Here
Hi AnglekeeperJ ~ Thanks for the warm welcome!

I am sorry you lost your daughter, and at such a young age. Glad to read that your son is doing well though and what a pleasure it was to read that you are caring for your mother. Undoubtedly, that has to be difficult at times. But yes, prayer, helps a lot!

Being estranged from my daughter was very, very difficult for several years. Then a good friend applied tough love: "You need to get on with your (my) life". My friend was right. I had to come to terms with the fact that although the ideal relationship between family members is one where love and mutual support exists (kudos if the people have similar interests and fun together), some individuals simply don't mesh well. Buddhism has taught me a lot about letting go.

Friday's reminder post (above) about putting on one's own mask and the PTSD cups, and reviewing Anthony's info on it last night, was a big help.

Last night I wrote myself a "to-do" list for today, got into bed and repeated the serenity prayer (as I do each night), and slept well. Today, I'm working on what was asked of me, i.e. researching inpatient facilities) and taking care of myself. My live-in BF of seven years who is familiar with my PTSD history and symptoms, and who I've hardly given any attention to because of the current crisis, asked for a hug as he was leaving for work a few minutes ago. He's a sweetheart of a guy - of course, I obliged. And as we hugged he whispered how surprised and proud he was that I was managing things well. That was nice of him and it gave me added strength!

Big sigh . . . well, it's back to the research for now . . . Thanks again for the warm welcome! Take good care 🙏
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I’m going to say you are in a tight spot and there are no easy answers, and maybe no hard ones. My wife and I have six children, two of whom are extremely autistic, and the whole thing is a kind of giant trauma re enactment. There is a boundary somewhere, and you and your son will hopefully identify it when it comes up as a boundary meaning, “I know you’re my child and you need help and I probably have some part in how you are or how you’re suffering BUT, this you can’t do”.

Our youngest is not welcome here except to visit and he’s been respectful of that so far, and that’s a far cry from what we were getting when he lived here. It’s hard, but not that hard.

I wish you peace with whatever happens and in the end idk how much we really have to do with it anyway. Like so many things we encounter on the ptsd journey, all I can say is don’t blame yourself. A very common theme here.
 

K's Mom

New Here
Thank you, Mach123, for your kind words and encouragement 🙏

With six kiddos, two of whom are autistic, I swear you could be my former boss! (LOL) I couldn't help but over-hear many of his conversations with his (sane) wife over how to handle multiple chaotic situations and covered for him when business-related work needed to be done!

Although I still have things to work on (always will) I try to live by, what I call, the Three Peas: Peace, Positivity and Prosperity. Sticking to them, my boundaries are relatively intact. But I have yet to learn the winning lottery ticket number. Thus, I'm a bit short on prosperity 🙄

Anyways, I completed the research that my son asked me to do. My daughter's combined biological and step-siblings equal four - all adults - all doing well. We live within a ten-mile radius. Although their father and I do not speak (ex-husband/abusive relationship), I'm on very good terms with my ex's children from his marriage prior to ours - his kids from his first marriage lived with me after our divorce.

My daughter has burned bridges with all of her friends except for her drug source. And she's burned bridges with her siblings except the youngest, my son, whose floor she is now sleeping on. After rescuing her over the last five years and her not taking up the treatment she was offered earlier this week, he's had enough also. So he called their father (who owns rental homes) to inform him what was up and ask (at least) for a little financial help - food money and gas money to get his sister to/from where she needs to go since he's out of work due to the Pandemic. Unbeknownst to anyone else, the father has been providing rent money to our daughter for the last three years. She's needed to move several times for various reasons, supposedly none of which were due to her behavior but it's now come out (she admitted) the funds were used for drugs. Being truthful is a good step in the right direction, right?

I agree with you - IDK how much I contributed to my daughter's difficulties. I have my theories but not stuck to them - not looking to place blame or judgment.

The youngest son, middle step-son and I will attend a NAR-Alon meeting Friday night.

You are a survivor, Mach123!!!

Hang in there, my friend ✌️
 

Maresie

New Here
Meth is a huge issue in recovery
It is like a balloon where I live
They are preyed upon
Getting your daughter into some form of supportive housing will be hard
I am glad your son is setting limits
You have a real tough one

The more you can address being around what is really a covert narcissist the better. Getting pulled in is the norm
They are incredibly manipulative

I do know some people who get off meth but it is incredibly addictive
 
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