I'm new here. Only posted a few times. Just thought I'd vent a moment. I'm a high ranking cop with 22 years on the job. Suffering from PTSD manifesting itself painfully as major depression for some time now. The past two weeks have been hell. I made the ignorant mistake of self-medicating with alcohol, and was arrested for DUI (two weeks ago yesterday). I thank God that I didn't crash, or hurt someone, and that I was arrested before I could. As you can imagine, being in the position I'm in this arrest caused even more of a downturn for me than it may have for others. I awoke dangerously suicidal, and if not for my wife arriving in the town I was arrested in to get me before they let me out of jail, I wouldn't be posting (I never called her, she found out where I was with the help of my department). I've since begun anti-depressants and therapy and haven't had even the urge for a drink since. Because of my work history my bosses are supportive. I tried to keep the situation under wraps, but the local paper learned of it, and published a story about it in Friday's edition. The pain of the public humiliation is stifling. It kills me to think that everyone will believe I'm just another irresponsible public official. They have no way to know what's been going on in my head, what's been tearing away at my life, and I can't tell them. Even if I could, they'd not understand. None of this makes sense, I suppose. But I thought if anyone can understand what I'm going through because of this disease, it would be others in this forum. I've gotten great support from friends and acquaintances. But they mostly reiterate that "everyone makes mistakes" etc... It's hard to not scream out that this arrest was not the problem, it was the symptom, and after it's done and forgotten, I still won't be whole, I'll still be in a battle they don't comprehend. I'll still be fighting to find some semblance of "normal" in my life. I've tried to tell the few people that understand there are bigger issues going on with me that I wish my problem was a "drinking" problem, but I don't know that they comprehend the true meaning of that statement. Rambling, I know. I apologize. Can't say these things to anyone else, so I toss them out here, for whatever they're worth.