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Pushing Away From My Therapist

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Leighlee87

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I've noticed I'm doing it, and that I'm scared of her even though she hasn't given me any reason to be.

I think emdr might have something to do with it. We've finally hit some of the core issues. We're taking a break for a couple weeks cause I was/am having a really hard time with it. I know I need to go back and wrap it up. I need to do it for myself. But even the thought of doing any more EMDR work is enough to make me want to cry.

The experience of it makes me feel incredibly vulnerable, and realizing how dependent I am on her to get me through this scares the shit out of me and is a large part of why I'm behaving the way I am. I'm scared that I'll need her there and she won't come to rescue me. I hate the fact that I need her to help me navigate in the first place. I absolutely hate when she sits back and let's me struggle cause she knows I can do it. Right now I feel too overwhelmed and scared to try to fight through it myself.

Not to mention, for the first time since developing ptsd, I'm starting to feel emotions again. And that realization is terrifying because I don't feel equipped to handle everything I've pushed back--it still feels raw and hurts too much to touch. Combine this with the realization that she has been pushing me to cry in sessions lately. Usually, when I find myself on the verge of tears she pauses to let me compose myself. But lately, she's been pushing me to keep going and not giving me that space to collect myself.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to stop the fear of everything-emdr, my own emotions, her. I hate feeling this way and I hate feeling this vulnerable and scared.
 
This post sums up how I've been feeling about EMDR- it's bloody hard work eh! The emotions part is very difficult for me too and I get the feeling vulnerable bit. I wish I could reassure you that it gets better, but I'm in the same boat as you, I go so far and then my mind is like- back up and don't go there. My therapist keeps saying that it gets harder/worse before it gets better and to trust the process. I'm yet to show any real emotion and am probably delaying my progress. It's hard work- have a couple of weeks deserved rest and then get back to it when your feeling stronger
 
I haven't started the EMDR yet...I've seen the therapist only once so far, but she said it's up to me when we begin the EMDR. I'm not good at making those kinds of decisions, I wish she would just tell ME when to start!
 
My therapist wanted to start much earlier, but I'm glad we didnt. I personally wouldn't do it until you feel completely comfortable and safe with your therapist. That doesn't really happen overnight. That, and I wasn't ready until the point where the exhaustion of dealing with the ptsd symptoms outweighed the fear of going back and really tackling the trauma.
 
I would try working some more with your therapist on stabilization and grounding, before you dig deeper in with the EMDR. If you aren't able to process and cope out of therapy, then you are doing things you aren't ready to cope with.
It's very important your therapist make sure you are grounded before you leave each session. It's important that she help fill up your toolbox with coping skills before you start digging deeper. Remember to make a lot of time for self care as well and take care of you.
 
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