This is my first post, I'm not sure if it's too wordy but here I go..
Cult Leader ignites Smear Campaign
I am being harassed and humiliated publicly by a religious cult leader. He has been abusing me mentally for a year and a half, and got everyone to participate in the abuse. My PTSD symptoms have aggravated considerably since he started this campaign of abuse. He is such an actor, he is such a double faced. Appears to be so innocent and kind to the outside world but privately he is a f*cking monster to me. Has beaten me, and has forced himself on me sexually, shamed me in most excruciating possible, triangulates me with other women that are promiscuous and compares them to me, constantly uses manipulation of emotion to breaks my attachments with other people in order to isolate me and afterwards uses sex to force a bond with me, he traumatises me and then use extreme acts of kindness and understanding in order to form a trauma bond, denigrates my image behind my back to whoever I come in contact with and convinces people that i am a liar and that I dont suffer from ptsd, that i am a liar and use excuses and make up things about my parents and that my PTSD isn't real, and my insecurity stems from trying to hide some "sin", that I am trying to hide misbehaviour and therefore that is why I am feeling shame. As if shame is generated in a void and not by simpletons who judge you as a defective character.
Your feelings are fake according to philosophy
He uses backwards or simplistic buddhist philosophy in order to convince others that my story is just an illusion, a made up excuse, that my ego is an illusion and that I am lying, and my feelings don't matter, and PTSD is just anxiety and sadness. I wanted to kill myself from the onslaught of humiliation and abuse three times this year and no one but my therapist even seem to care. I feel like I have no support and don't know how much more of this I can take, it seems to never end. I don't want to die, but I feel like I have no other escape.
My abuser, like other spiritual people out there think that if they've realised enlightenment they know everything, everywhere and can grasp with their minds like God.
They have a bubble of good feelings in which to retreat from outside daily grind and anything negative that normally affects people like abuse they will ignore entirely as if you ignore dust in the air, and they break down their feelings into a pleasant numbness so they become like the perfect androids acting supposedly non-conditioned but they lose the capacity for compassion for others because they dismiss feelings or trauma as literal "filth", "bathwater of shit", "garbage" (it's their words) that needs to be cleansed in order to become "human" and not an animal.
But sexual perversions or extreme depravity on the part of the spiritual teacher, and having sex for release of fluids like animals in the farm is ok for them. Being forced into sucking a penis is not "filth" on the abuser's part. That, they ignore.
But I think they instead just become more entrenched androids who just hate vulnerability like psychopaths, are hateful of ordinary people, are very lustful, and become verbally agressive towards people that are insecure, just like psychopaths. They become excellent at justificating abuse through backwards religious jargon and mystic non-sense but if it's told in a manner that seems philosophical that it becomes like a status thing, and act from a place of perceived righteous objectivity. But a real philosophical mind who has done the work will dismiss thousand year old simplistic exotic ideas, and see it as eliminativism, a form of thinking in ancient times when they had no other explanation for the energy that is the mind. The Self changes therefore it doesn't exist, if the self interprets the world subjectively therefore everything is an illusion. They just discard emotional self that interprets experience, creates flight-or-fight responses and instead they exchange it with the Spiritual Self that interprets the world just as subjectively, from their point of view of their feelings of spiritual exctasy, anesthetised self, and dogma. I see them as only androids who remove their feelings in order to have better focus, better status and get better work opportunities, even though that work may cause suffering to the world, and planet. Seeing suffering done to other is nothing to be concerned about, and it doesn't cause them angst to witness extreme abuse, they just extract meaning from it. It's like they are psychopathic. Spiritual teachers will elevate sociopaths who don't feel shame, guilt and sensitivity and determine them to be excellent enlightend beings. Some just talk about injustice but only to appear as enlightened as possible.
People who unknowingly became his flying monkeys don't even have the interest or inclination to find the truth of this mental illness, don't even research beyond a few google searches, if any and don't even care to rely on a specialist to figure out that I am telling the truth. They really believe that I am faking it because it fashionable to them that everything emotional is an illusion, calling out abuse is feminine therefore fake, and psychology is just a corporate ploy to get people medicated. It's fashionable to dismiss trauma because they see it as feminine and therefore fake. It's fashionable not to think of it at all, these days especially thinking is useless for the know-it-all sociopaths, so they stop thinking altogether, unless it's done within some extravagant erudite manner that end up creating meaningless intellectual masturbation.
I have all the symptoms of cptsd and I score 9/10 on ACES, but I never knew it before a few years ago since I never would have imagined childhood abuse results in brain damage and behavioural changes, so I used to think of myself as an asshole to be blamed. My parents had also narcissistic traits so I was constantly put down, beaten, told I am worthless and made to feel a fool for their entertainment, beaten up or yelled at if I objected. I internalized all that poison and carried it with me. They kept me around after I split with my boyfriend at 25 and kept me financially dependent so they would seek out a release through scandals, but still blamed me covertly for being a burden. My father constantly sabotages me through means that are not immediately seen to me. He gave me a car then he uses it to keep me around him, but when I want to use it he just sneaks and takes it away, for "repairing" and fueles my addictions. He brings me cigarettes when I quit, and sweets and fatty foods when I want to lose weight. I know now I had attention deficit all my life but I just though of myself as stupid and lazy, because that's what I was told. I used to think I am the one to blame for my deficiencies, because that's what was instilled into my belief. No one ever care enough about me to direct me, support me or heal me. Encouragement was done superficially, not concretely. I didn't know what to do, since I cannot perform well for a college degree, or work and feel fatigue and without vitality all the time. I feel trapped. That is why I looked for meditation, and a teacher that would help me.
Cult Leader Tactics to break you down
Now this asshole who invaded my life, the leader of this cult got everyone to participate in a smear campaign where he got others to see me that I am just a fake victim, who pretents and blames her poor parents for her misbehaviour, and uses depression to get out of "hard work" and that I am just being lazy, but they dismiss chunks of my life, when I wanted to start my own business, they dimiss my ptsd which saps you mentally and physically, and they dismiss when I didn't want to deal with a college on account that I felt burn-out constantly and couldn't concentrate properly. I don't feel capable of learning, I can barely sit through a page now in the midst of this constant surveillance and cruel scrutiny it's gotten even worse. I can barely walk to a shop without feeling fatigue. I am completely alone, and I want to kill myself, because I know this campaign will get worse, I now have become the "Problem with this World" for pseudo-intellectuals. They will only speak of me in bad terms, and try to pick savioury details about me that make me look like a monster and a fake.
I was better before this bullshit
Before I met this "spiritual" teacher and his group of barking hounds, I was doing much better, feeling vitality and raising up money to start my own business. People want to invalidate me and use me as their puppet or clown because they found some inconsistency and now they are weaving it into their preferred story in which i am the fake victim and that my chronic fatigue, and lack of concentration is made up. They'll come up with all kinds of stuff because they cannot wrap their minds around consequences of prolonged abuse and stress. It victim blaming but they see it as act of kindness to tell me their "truth". You have to be the "bad" agent, because the world has been fair to them in their microcosm and everything else just doesn't exist, they cannot understand that their health and vitality is better because nothing like this abuse has ever happened to them. It's ivory castle thinking, and minimizing what is happening to me because to them it's nothing and it doesn't affect them as seeing from outside, so therefore I shouldn't be affected. I've reacted with anger and been defensive as expected when provoking a PTSD person in this ugly and perverted manner, and they'll use that to twist it into their narrative. "It's your responsibility you feel shame and anger even though I am trying my best to denigrate you publicly. You are hiding your True Sins from the public"
To their twisted and depraved minds public humiliation is not abuse, it's showing your "Truth" in public and if you feel shamed is only because it's you trying to "hide" something.. so you see how this got twisted? Because that's what depressive people do. They love depression and poverty SO MUCH that it's a LIFESTYLE CHOISE. To them you should just brush off mentall illness like a spec of dirt.
I can't escape this campaign, they have made it permanent to be seen as a clown
Everyone that was on my side, now they believe it too, and I don't want to live anymore. I don't know how to escape this and I cannot find support which brings me down further..
Even feeling my numbed out feelings has been twisted into a narrative, I can't feel sad because I am trying to make myself feel bad intentionally, so I am fake. To them any sensitivity is proof of my weakness, which reinforces this ongoing abuse of me. They don't want to see the old man or my father as responsable for my state of mind, and instead put attention on me as a bad character as if out of nowhere, I am acting like this or that. Out of nowhere I feel like shit. They try to pin the sin of others onto me. I feel a knot in my stomach in knowing that this perpetual abuse will never stop. They have permanently condemned my reputation as a pathetic parasite by writing about me in this way and spreading it to others. It becomes food for parasitic sociopaths who feel revitalised by this type of denigration, they love that I want to end my life. I confirms their beliefs.
I honestly don't want to go on. It's going to damage my health further and I don't want to go on in this world.
I don't want their opinions, it is rape, beside the rape from the cult leader, it's rape of my privacy and of my dignity, and self worth..
It's not going to stop..
And I cannot escape this shit.
Cult Leader ignites Smear Campaign
I am being harassed and humiliated publicly by a religious cult leader. He has been abusing me mentally for a year and a half, and got everyone to participate in the abuse. My PTSD symptoms have aggravated considerably since he started this campaign of abuse. He is such an actor, he is such a double faced. Appears to be so innocent and kind to the outside world but privately he is a f*cking monster to me. Has beaten me, and has forced himself on me sexually, shamed me in most excruciating possible, triangulates me with other women that are promiscuous and compares them to me, constantly uses manipulation of emotion to breaks my attachments with other people in order to isolate me and afterwards uses sex to force a bond with me, he traumatises me and then use extreme acts of kindness and understanding in order to form a trauma bond, denigrates my image behind my back to whoever I come in contact with and convinces people that i am a liar and that I dont suffer from ptsd, that i am a liar and use excuses and make up things about my parents and that my PTSD isn't real, and my insecurity stems from trying to hide some "sin", that I am trying to hide misbehaviour and therefore that is why I am feeling shame. As if shame is generated in a void and not by simpletons who judge you as a defective character.
Your feelings are fake according to philosophy
He uses backwards or simplistic buddhist philosophy in order to convince others that my story is just an illusion, a made up excuse, that my ego is an illusion and that I am lying, and my feelings don't matter, and PTSD is just anxiety and sadness. I wanted to kill myself from the onslaught of humiliation and abuse three times this year and no one but my therapist even seem to care. I feel like I have no support and don't know how much more of this I can take, it seems to never end. I don't want to die, but I feel like I have no other escape.
My abuser, like other spiritual people out there think that if they've realised enlightenment they know everything, everywhere and can grasp with their minds like God.
They have a bubble of good feelings in which to retreat from outside daily grind and anything negative that normally affects people like abuse they will ignore entirely as if you ignore dust in the air, and they break down their feelings into a pleasant numbness so they become like the perfect androids acting supposedly non-conditioned but they lose the capacity for compassion for others because they dismiss feelings or trauma as literal "filth", "bathwater of shit", "garbage" (it's their words) that needs to be cleansed in order to become "human" and not an animal.
But sexual perversions or extreme depravity on the part of the spiritual teacher, and having sex for release of fluids like animals in the farm is ok for them. Being forced into sucking a penis is not "filth" on the abuser's part. That, they ignore.
But I think they instead just become more entrenched androids who just hate vulnerability like psychopaths, are hateful of ordinary people, are very lustful, and become verbally agressive towards people that are insecure, just like psychopaths. They become excellent at justificating abuse through backwards religious jargon and mystic non-sense but if it's told in a manner that seems philosophical that it becomes like a status thing, and act from a place of perceived righteous objectivity. But a real philosophical mind who has done the work will dismiss thousand year old simplistic exotic ideas, and see it as eliminativism, a form of thinking in ancient times when they had no other explanation for the energy that is the mind. The Self changes therefore it doesn't exist, if the self interprets the world subjectively therefore everything is an illusion. They just discard emotional self that interprets experience, creates flight-or-fight responses and instead they exchange it with the Spiritual Self that interprets the world just as subjectively, from their point of view of their feelings of spiritual exctasy, anesthetised self, and dogma. I see them as only androids who remove their feelings in order to have better focus, better status and get better work opportunities, even though that work may cause suffering to the world, and planet. Seeing suffering done to other is nothing to be concerned about, and it doesn't cause them angst to witness extreme abuse, they just extract meaning from it. It's like they are psychopathic. Spiritual teachers will elevate sociopaths who don't feel shame, guilt and sensitivity and determine them to be excellent enlightend beings. Some just talk about injustice but only to appear as enlightened as possible.
People who unknowingly became his flying monkeys don't even have the interest or inclination to find the truth of this mental illness, don't even research beyond a few google searches, if any and don't even care to rely on a specialist to figure out that I am telling the truth. They really believe that I am faking it because it fashionable to them that everything emotional is an illusion, calling out abuse is feminine therefore fake, and psychology is just a corporate ploy to get people medicated. It's fashionable to dismiss trauma because they see it as feminine and therefore fake. It's fashionable not to think of it at all, these days especially thinking is useless for the know-it-all sociopaths, so they stop thinking altogether, unless it's done within some extravagant erudite manner that end up creating meaningless intellectual masturbation.
I have all the symptoms of cptsd and I score 9/10 on ACES, but I never knew it before a few years ago since I never would have imagined childhood abuse results in brain damage and behavioural changes, so I used to think of myself as an asshole to be blamed. My parents had also narcissistic traits so I was constantly put down, beaten, told I am worthless and made to feel a fool for their entertainment, beaten up or yelled at if I objected. I internalized all that poison and carried it with me. They kept me around after I split with my boyfriend at 25 and kept me financially dependent so they would seek out a release through scandals, but still blamed me covertly for being a burden. My father constantly sabotages me through means that are not immediately seen to me. He gave me a car then he uses it to keep me around him, but when I want to use it he just sneaks and takes it away, for "repairing" and fueles my addictions. He brings me cigarettes when I quit, and sweets and fatty foods when I want to lose weight. I know now I had attention deficit all my life but I just though of myself as stupid and lazy, because that's what I was told. I used to think I am the one to blame for my deficiencies, because that's what was instilled into my belief. No one ever care enough about me to direct me, support me or heal me. Encouragement was done superficially, not concretely. I didn't know what to do, since I cannot perform well for a college degree, or work and feel fatigue and without vitality all the time. I feel trapped. That is why I looked for meditation, and a teacher that would help me.
Cult Leader Tactics to break you down
Now this asshole who invaded my life, the leader of this cult got everyone to participate in a smear campaign where he got others to see me that I am just a fake victim, who pretents and blames her poor parents for her misbehaviour, and uses depression to get out of "hard work" and that I am just being lazy, but they dismiss chunks of my life, when I wanted to start my own business, they dimiss my ptsd which saps you mentally and physically, and they dismiss when I didn't want to deal with a college on account that I felt burn-out constantly and couldn't concentrate properly. I don't feel capable of learning, I can barely sit through a page now in the midst of this constant surveillance and cruel scrutiny it's gotten even worse. I can barely walk to a shop without feeling fatigue. I am completely alone, and I want to kill myself, because I know this campaign will get worse, I now have become the "Problem with this World" for pseudo-intellectuals. They will only speak of me in bad terms, and try to pick savioury details about me that make me look like a monster and a fake.
I was better before this bullshit
Before I met this "spiritual" teacher and his group of barking hounds, I was doing much better, feeling vitality and raising up money to start my own business. People want to invalidate me and use me as their puppet or clown because they found some inconsistency and now they are weaving it into their preferred story in which i am the fake victim and that my chronic fatigue, and lack of concentration is made up. They'll come up with all kinds of stuff because they cannot wrap their minds around consequences of prolonged abuse and stress. It victim blaming but they see it as act of kindness to tell me their "truth". You have to be the "bad" agent, because the world has been fair to them in their microcosm and everything else just doesn't exist, they cannot understand that their health and vitality is better because nothing like this abuse has ever happened to them. It's ivory castle thinking, and minimizing what is happening to me because to them it's nothing and it doesn't affect them as seeing from outside, so therefore I shouldn't be affected. I've reacted with anger and been defensive as expected when provoking a PTSD person in this ugly and perverted manner, and they'll use that to twist it into their narrative. "It's your responsibility you feel shame and anger even though I am trying my best to denigrate you publicly. You are hiding your True Sins from the public"
To their twisted and depraved minds public humiliation is not abuse, it's showing your "Truth" in public and if you feel shamed is only because it's you trying to "hide" something.. so you see how this got twisted? Because that's what depressive people do. They love depression and poverty SO MUCH that it's a LIFESTYLE CHOISE. To them you should just brush off mentall illness like a spec of dirt.
I can't escape this campaign, they have made it permanent to be seen as a clown
Everyone that was on my side, now they believe it too, and I don't want to live anymore. I don't know how to escape this and I cannot find support which brings me down further..
Even feeling my numbed out feelings has been twisted into a narrative, I can't feel sad because I am trying to make myself feel bad intentionally, so I am fake. To them any sensitivity is proof of my weakness, which reinforces this ongoing abuse of me. They don't want to see the old man or my father as responsable for my state of mind, and instead put attention on me as a bad character as if out of nowhere, I am acting like this or that. Out of nowhere I feel like shit. They try to pin the sin of others onto me. I feel a knot in my stomach in knowing that this perpetual abuse will never stop. They have permanently condemned my reputation as a pathetic parasite by writing about me in this way and spreading it to others. It becomes food for parasitic sociopaths who feel revitalised by this type of denigration, they love that I want to end my life. I confirms their beliefs.
I honestly don't want to go on. It's going to damage my health further and I don't want to go on in this world.
I don't want their opinions, it is rape, beside the rape from the cult leader, it's rape of my privacy and of my dignity, and self worth..
It's not going to stop..
And I cannot escape this shit.
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