Relationship Q For Sufferers : How someone with ptsd feels when they push away the person they love most?

alexa4555

New Here
the hardest period after almost a year of relationship. There were signs of hot and cold from the first day. After the first few weeks, he distanced himself and told his friends that he didn't want to hear from me anymore, only that I told him that I wanted to spend time with him. After 3 days in which he barely wrote me, he told me that he had made this decision because he thought that only he would take the initiative in the relationship. A totally wrong assumption. and in that night he told me he love me for the very first time. I cannot understand how can you love someone and you want to stay away from him. Anyway after that moment we had a very nice time together, we got engage and in every month we went in city breaks, moments when i saw the happiest man in the world.

But this month all became a nightmare, when after some things that i told him he said that he love me like crazy but we need to broke up. Knowing the situation with the assumption that happened at the beginning of our relationship I stayed. I fought with him every day trying to show him that when we say family we fight for that, it was so hard for me. after that he thanked me for showing him that. And now I am mentally tired, I know that this will be hard to handle for long term. But I love him like never before and I feel that he loves me too, so I try to give him space, to be always in good mood. He had a neglect childhood , and I see him that is very sensitive and had a lot on his mind, but from time to time he is asking me "hey isn't that we really have a good life?" and also when he acts like a child he is so happy, i can see a child that no one took care of him, I can t ask him to be a man, but sometimes I need him to be one. Also, sex it s so good but it only happens when he is in good mood, and i need more.

I need to know what do you need from the person that is staying with you despite your hot and cold moment? Do you want a stable relationship? Do you fight for that?

Is sad that at our first conflict he went out partying, and home is was crying. It's so easy to detach?

I can't leave the man I love, I know that this is the only reason for that is good to fight in life, but i can't fight with him, I need him in my team. And we are a great one.
 
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arfie

MyPTSD Pro
Do you want a stable relationship? Do you fight for that?

i want a stable relationship badly enough to fight like a beaten crazy bitch wolf for the ideal. alas, the harder i fight, the crazier i get.

i have stabilized my relationships far more by working on my own psycho snot knots than by fighting for vague ideals. for me, "relationships" is plural. the romantic relationship i share with my hubby is not the only relationship in my life where i have fought like literal crazy to achieve the ideal of stable relationships.
 

alexa4555

New Here
i want a stable relationship badly enough to fight like a beaten crazy bitch wolf for the ideal. alas, the harder i fight, the crazier i get.

i have stabilized my relationships far more by working on my own psycho snot knots than by fighting for vague ideals. for me, "relationships" is plural. the romantic relationship i share with my hubby is not the only relationship in my life where i have fought like literal crazy to achieve the ideal of stable relationships.
good to know, thank you!
 

Friday

Moderator
I need to know what do you need from the person that is staying with you despite your hot and cold moment?
The people I date & become friends with… it’s not a “despite”. It’s either a very strong benefit of being in a relationship with me, for them; or it’s something they expect, & aren’t bothered by.

The people who are bothered don’t typically last very long in my life.

Do you want a stable relationship? Do you fight for that?
Nope!

The kinds of relationships I delight & thrive in come in many different flavors, but “stable” (as described) is not one of them, nor have I ever had to fight for them.

PTSD isn’t a personality disorder… or personality type… we don’t share even the same general likes/dislikes, much less preferences/desires, dreams/goals, ethos/morals.

What we need/want in a relationship, or from a relationship? Is going to be as variable as any other aspect of life. People want different things. And go about achieving those things in different ways.

our first conflict he went out partying, and home is was crying. It's so easy to detach?
Seems perfectly natural / reasonable to me.

Whether you mean he was out having fun but crying at home, or he was out partying whilst you were crying at home. People deal with conflict & stress in different ways, and differently at different times.

As far as detaching? I’m not certain what you mean?
 
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alexa4555

New Here
The people I date & become friends with… it’s not a “despite”. It’s either a very strong benefit of being in a relationship with me, for them; or it’s something they expect, & aren’t bothered by.

The people who are bothered don’t typically last very long in my life.


Nope!

The kinds of relationships I delight & thrive in come in many different flavors, but “stable” (as described) is not one of them, nor have I ever had to fight for them.

PTSD isn’t a personality disorder… or personality type… we don’t share even the same general likes/dislikes, much less preferences/desires, dreams/goals, ethos/morals.

What we need/want in a relationship, or from a relationship? Is going to be as variable as any other aspect of life. People want different things. And go about achieving those things in different ways.


Seems perfectly natural / reasonable to me.

Whether you mean he was out having fun but crying at home, or he was out partying whilst you were crying at home. People deal with conflict & stress in different ways, and differently at different times.

As far as detaching? I’m not certain what you mean?
Ah, I understand him more now after your answer.
As far as detaching? I’m not certain what you mean?
I mean that at the first problem you are out from the relationship and you act like it doesn't matter to you, like the person who yesterday was the love of your life, today is a stranger.

I don't know, for me stability and constancy in the relationship are the main keys. I love him with all my soul and heart, I wish that he believe that. Because he said that this it's a habit. You know when you see someone living by assumptions and you know that they are wrong, you fight to prove him that, that life it's beautiful, that past is past, and the present can be magic right now.
I can't understand how superficial relationships are today. Serious, if at first conflict you break up, how can you build something?
So this is what I said about fight, when you love , you stay, you don't give up.
I have days when my head is telling me to go, I feel that I can't handle this, and then my soul is saying me to stay.
He is happy in a moment, all is perfect, and in the next moment he is sad. I want to know the secret to make him happy in those sad moments.
But I don't want a roller coaster, so I am patient, and in the last 3 weeks everything was constant, he was more relaxed, but he is keeping me away from him, like he is punishing me. And this is so hard to handle. But I am taking baby steps.
I gave him all the space that he needs.
And more of that, I am making everyday a holiday. I said if you really want the break up then we have to celebrate every day till then with moments which we will not have it anymore.
it's sad
I see the man who loves me pushing me away, and I can't understand that, I want, but I can't.:(
 

frogthroat

MyPTSD Pro
I don't usually reply to threads anymore and I've never had a relationship. People are too much for me and I've chosen to be a hermit. Take this as you will.
It sounds like he's testing you to see if you'll still love him but also he's trying to decide if he wants to leave you before you leave him. I'm not saying you were planning on leaving him at all. That might be his train of thought though possibly because of his childhood neglect. It sounds like he has abandonment issues which are pretty common with ptsd formed in childhood. Love and relationships can be terrifying to people who've been traumatized especially by caregivers.
I'm not saying this to be disrespectful to you or your boyfriend. He's suffering. You're suffering. At the end of the day you have to decide what's best for you. Riding the rollercoaster, as you say, with him isn't going to help him. It sounds like you're not enjoying yourself either. You imply you want a partner that's more grounded. There's nothing wrong with that.
He's an adult and if he needs help and he has the resources he should seek it. You can't fix him. He has to do that. He has to WANT to do that. If he really cares about you he won't be constantly making you walk on eggshells. He'll realize that this is ineffective behavior and it's hurting the both of you. That's when he'll be able to look inside himself and ask "Why do I act this way?". I wish the best for both of you and I hope you can work things out.
 

alexa4555

New Here
Riding the rollercoaster, as you say, with him isn't going to help him. It sounds like you're not enjoying yourself either. You imply you want a partner that's more grounded.
So that's why in the last 3 weeks I' ve stopped the roller coaster, if he is in good mood then we enjoy the time, if he is not in good mood i am watching a movie, or working, or I go out. My focus is not on him anymore, I gave him space, but I am here, and I see him that he wants to come close to me. I even made him a t-shirt with a turtle in shell, and he was so happy. And I want him to be more grounded, not another one. But I take him as he is.
Everything you said at the beginning I see it and it's happening. testing me all the time. And yes he has abandonment issues.


Love and relationships can be terrifying to people who've been traumatized especially by caregivers.
Wish I knew this before, but know I hope I can make him feel more safe. It's so unfair that traumatized people cannot enjoy love so easily, and thy fear it, and they push it away.
I still have hope, I don't know from where but I have it. And i really believe in love.

Thank you very very much, you helped me understand better. @frogthroat
 

Dergrosse

Confident
I am currently isolating. I'm going to answer your questions as if you are my supporter based on how I'm currently doing.

I need to know what do you need from the person that is staying with you despite your hot and cold moment?

I personally need space with an acknowledgement that you're available. For example, if the only words you said to me for an entire day were "I'm here if you need me" you would in reality be providing me more support than I received as a child and it would be helpful. At the same time, I want to hear those words at most, once a day.

Overall, I want my space. I know I can overcome the pain I'm feeling all by myself, even if it takes time before I'm "normal" again. I don't know if I can get through it while talking to someone that isn't a qualified professional. No matter how hard you try to help me, only a professional can begin to grasp what I really need.

A quick side note, saying you're with someone despite their hot and cold, can feel like you're saying "I'm with you despite the fact that you have to face your mental illnesses alone sometimes" this is one of the reasons fewer words said to me while I'm isolating, the better (everything can be twisted).

Do you want a stable relationship? Do you fight for that?

I want a stable relationship as much as the next person. I will absolutely fight for that... but when I have the energy. Right now I'm battling my demons and I'm barely holding it together. I don't have the energy to focus on anything else. It's bad enough I have to deal with work and responsibilities on top of it. I just have nothing left to give for a relationship, so I'm not going to focus on it.

Is sad that at our first conflict he went out partying, and home is was crying. It's so easy to detach?

The definition of detach I'm going to use is "Not care whether someone stays in a relationship with me or leaves."

It is extremely easy for me to detach. I am the only person I can rely on. I know from experience, Anything can happen, even things you would never expect by the people you'd least expect.

I believe that you believe you're here for the long haul, but niether of us can predict the future. The more I care about you staying the more it will hurt if I wake up and you're gone. I hurt enough as is, I don't need to set myself up for more.
 
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Bootstrap

New Here
So that's why in the last 3 weeks I' ve stopped the roller coaster, if he is in good mood then we enjoy the time, if he is not in good mood i am watching a movie, or working, or I go out. My focus is not on him anymore, I gave him space, but I am here,
That’s wonderful! It’s so important to have outlets and support outside of the relationship.
I even made him a t-shirt with a turtle in shell, and he was so happy.
And this is the sweetest thing I’ve read all day.
 

alexa4555

New Here
I am currently isolating. I'm going to answer your questions as if you are my supporter based on how I'm currently doing.



I personally need space with an acknowledgement that you're available. For example, if the only words you said to me for an entire day were "I'm here if you need me" you would in reality be providing me more support than I received as a child and it would be helpful. At the same time, I want to hear those words at most, once a day.
I will do that.
Overall, I want my space. I know I can overcome the pain I'm feeling all by myself, even if it takes time before I'm "normal" again. I don't know if I can get through it while talking to someone that isn't a qualified professional. No matter how hard you try to help me, only a professional can begin to grasp what I really need.
A quick side note, saying you're with someone despite their hot and cold, can feel like you're saying "I'm with you despite the fact that you have to face your mental illnesses alone sometimes" this is one of the reasons fewer words said to me while I'm isolating, the better (everything can be twisted).
I didn't said that to him, only I see him how his behave is, which was to hard to handle in the beginning, also first time when it was so upside down, like everyday coming home and thanked me for cooking, for everything I do for him, and one night he told me that he wants me to stop cooking, and to stop being so lovely. The next morning he said that what he told me the previous mind, he wants me to cook and to be lovely. And I was in defensive since then, because it was a shock for me. So from that day am so aware of his words and how he change things and plans. He always told me that he love about me the fact that I surprise him, that he never Know what to expect from me. And now when I booked a trip he said that how can I change plans like this? he don't like me to be so spontaneous. And yes everything I say sometimes he interprets them in the worst case. The problem is that even in 90% I have energy to focus on everything I do to make him feel ok and not trigger him, sometimes I am too tired and at first joke I made he becomes sad. Another thing he felt in love with this part of me, I used to make jokes all the time and he was laughing, now at the same jokes he is sad and he tells me how can I say that, he can see it's a joke, takes everything personally.
I want a stable relationship as much as the next person. I will absolutely fight for that... but when I have the energy. Right now I'm battling my demons and I'm barely holding it together. I don't have the energy to focus on anything else. It's bad enough I have to deal with work and responsibilities on top of it. I just have nothing left to give for a relationship, so I'm not going to focus on it.
Hope the demons will find another world, not in humans mind. You deserve quiet and happiness. But I'll keep that in mind when I see him without energy.
The definition of detach I'm going to use is "Not care whether someone stays in a relationship with me or leaves."
not even if that someone is the most important person in your life?
It is extremely easy for me to detach. I am the only person I can rely on. I know from experience, Anything can happen, even things you would never expect by the people you'd least expect.

I believe that you believe you're here for the long haul, but niether of us can predict the future. The more I care about you staying the more it will hurt if I wake up and you're gone. I hurt enough as is, I don't need to set myself up for more.
same thing he said to me. better stop now the suffer later, this is his reason for pushing me away.
Thank you very much! I'll try my best to understand him and to be near him as he needs now, even it's a battle for me. I wish I can hug him and kiss him and make everything easy for him.
 
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