Relationship Q For Sufferers : How someone with ptsd feels when they push away the person they love most?

alexa4555

New Here
the hardest period after almost a year of relationship. There were signs of hot and cold from the first day. After the first few weeks, he distanced himself and told his friends that he didn't want to hear from me anymore, only that I told him that I wanted to spend time with him. After 3 days in which he barely wrote me, he told me that he had made this decision because he thought that only he would take the initiative in the relationship. A totally wrong assumption. and in that night he told me he love me for the very first time. I cannot understand how can you love someone and you want to stay away from him. Anyway after that moment we had a very nice time together, we got engage and in every month we went in city breaks, moments when i saw the happiest man in the world.

But this month all became a nightmare, when after some things that i told him he said that he love me like crazy but we need to broke up. Knowing the situation with the assumption that happened at the beginning of our relationship I stayed. I fought with him every day trying to show him that when we say family we fight for that, it was so hard for me. after that he thanked me for showing him that. And now I am mentally tired, I know that this will be hard to handle for long term. But I love him like never before and I feel that he loves me too, so I try to give him space, to be always in good mood. He had a neglect childhood , and I see him that is very sensitive and had a lot on his mind, but from time to time he is asking me "hey isn't that we really have a good life?" and also when he acts like a child he is so happy, i can see a child that no one took care of him, I can t ask him to be a man, but sometimes I need him to be one. Also, sex it s so good but it only happens when he is in good mood, and i need more.

I need to know what do you need from the person that is staying with you despite your hot and cold moment? Do you want a stable relationship? Do you fight for that?

Is sad that at our first conflict he went out partying, and home is was crying. It's so easy to detach?

I can't leave the man I love, I know that this is the only reason for that is good to fight in life, but i can't fight with him, I need him in my team. And we are a great one.
 
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alexa4555

New Here
Dr. Phil used to say, "Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?" My mom used to say, "There's worse things than being single. One of them is being unhappily married. Then you really feel alone".

I have heard it both ways- poor you (to be single), and you are smart, that is what I would do if I could do it over again.

If you believe the experts, what builds trust and relationship is being there for each other in the small things over and over, and attunement. But if emotions motivate behaviour, feeling nothing is likely to bring a whole lot of nothing to you. And as much as I abhor conflict, it does not predict relationship demise. It is a vehicle to understand each other better if you do reconcile.

I know you want him to be happy, but even Mark Twain said, "Most folks are as happy as they make their minds up to be". You can influence it, but never control it, only they can.

Your experiences with anorexia nervosa and recovery, the relationship you saw your parents have if you had parents, and your core beliefs will all play in to it (including other disorders, personality, attachment style and subconscious thoughts). The heart wants what the heart wants. And it is true what repulses one attracts another, and vice versa. But what are your dreams? What are his? Do you have any dreams together?

I would challenge this though:

because believing it will not make him capable of having a relationship. Nor does it do you (or a future partner) justice because it says if the reasonably impossible doesn't happen I will no longer date or trust or love anyone, so it's a bit setting yourself up for failure. And fwiw it's fortune telling. You would not know how you will feel or who you will meet or how you will think as you heal and grow You can be single or coupled and believe in love and trust (or not). If he is not capable or desirous it is not a reflection of a failure on your part, perhaps not his either. Conversely if you are able to make it work it will be in your own unique ways. But it will not stop current and future stressors, challenges, illness, or other things, and ptsd will still be there. There will be pain, hurt, disappointment, obstacles to try to overcome. If he wants to try to work at it he will, if he doesn't he won't. And if he doesn't, can you really call that love? Perhaps, but not enough to overcome what is necessary to keep a relationship afloat.
There's worse things than being single. One of them is being unhappily married. Then you really feel alone".
I agree with that.

I have heard it both ways- poor you (to be single), and you are smart, that is what I would do if I could do it over again.
I feel that, I chose to be alone many times and it was always the good option. I think now that the good part in my relationship is that there is a lot of freedom, no calls where I am or who I'm with. I think I got a little stuck when I was alone and thinking about him, that's a harder situation when you're alone and there's someone you think about all the time, that was the reason I started this with him.
But what are your dreams? What are his? Do you have any dreams together?
Oh my dreams are to have a family and kids and he is the first one who made me feel that I want him to be the father of my kids. I never had that feeling before. And our dreams together there were so many: family, kids, house, travel the world. He is dreaming about a business but also to make it together.
And this was my shock because we were talking so much about this and when the change happened was the cold cold shower for me.
Even now when he wants to make a change in the house or to buy something (like 2 days ago) he is always asking me for advice.

because believing it will not make him capable of having a relationship. Nor does it do you (or a future partner) justice because it says if the reasonably impossible doesn't happen I will no longer date or trust or love anyone, so it's a bit setting yourself up for failure. And fwiw it's fortune telling. You would not know how you will feel or who you will meet or how you will think as you heal and grow You can be single or coupled and believe in love and trust (or not). If he is not capable or desirous it is not a reflection of a failure on your part, perhaps not his either. Conversely if you are able to make it work it will be in your own unique ways. But it will not stop current and future stressors, challenges, illness, or other things, and ptsd will still be there. There will be pain, hurt, disappointment, obstacles to try to overcome. If he wants to try to work at it he will, if he doesn't he won't. And if he doesn't, can you really call that love? Perhaps, but not enough to overcome what is necessary to keep a relationship afloat.
You are so right with this. That's why I don't want to have any control in this and I will let things happen, regardless of the result. I don't have a problem with ptsd, iliness, challenges, I can face that but as you said it will help if him will try on the same side. So we'll see. I didn't ask for an easy relationship, all my life I was asking for love and it came with this :)) We will see what the road will bring us.
But I will say this again that you helped me a lot. Now I am more aware and understanding of everything that is happening. And this is a big step for me.
I do see it in his behavior he is more relaxed and surprised I can say, because he's always thinking what answer I'm going to give to what he says, and now I see on his face that he's not expecting what I'm telling him and that made him come closer and closer everyday. The turtle starts to come out of its shell again. :D
Thank you!!
 
Hi @alexa4555 I am glad.

There is one thing I forgot to say, sometimes people can be islands or shelters for one another. Idk why one can and another cannot. My personal guess is that part is deep respect and kindness, and not blaming the other as much as looking within.

Hope all goes well. I suppose just as equally if no one ever tried no one would ever succeed. Understanding helps because, well, then there is understanding!

PS, I liked your analogy about how you used to see yourself, and how you now see yourself, and being open to trusted input. Not only great work on your part but really resonates with how it feels/ is,, the lived experience. Thank you too.!☺️
 
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