Questing for understanding.

[Gatsu]

I've never had a journal or diary before. Maybe it was a part of my self-imposed superstition that but the words in my mind to ink would make them real. I'm going to try and just make a list today. I can do that, I'm strong enough today.

• Catholic Private school
• The teacher who hated me pt.1
• Dad's first deployment
• The "first" year of my life
• The teacher who hated me pt.2
• My Father comes home
• My Uncle Passes
• My parents divorce
• Father's second deployment
• The class that hated me pt.1
• ADHD testing begins
• My Father comes home pt.2
• The teacher who hated me pt.3
• My introduction to poverty and violence
• The teacher who went to far.
• Kerr Middle School
• My first sexual experience
• Beginning to understand that things aren't fair
• Ice storm
• Hospital
• Moving to a new town
• Moving to a new town pt.2
• My Father puts me through a wall
• The teacher who hated me pt.5
• Hypersexuality manifests for the first time
• Football, My Father, and violence
• I make my own choice for the first time
• May 20th, 2013
• Confronting death for the first time
• Hypersexuality explodes outward
• Learning about self-harm, Idolizing it.
• Surviving myself and my environment
• Shutting down for the first time
• Grippy Sock jail pt.1
• Meeting K for the first time
• Losing K for the first time
• Getting kicked out of the main high school
• Losing my strength to atrophy
• Meeting A
• Rosie
• A and questioning my sexuality
• Coming out
• Defending myself from my Father for the first time
• Losing A
• Graduating Early
• Meeting P
• Moving to a new town pt.3
• College and drugs
• Discovering the ease of addiction
• Idolizing trauma
• My brother comes out
• Dropping out
• Moving back to a familiar place pt.1
• Losing P and understanding betrayal
• I see my Dad again
• Losing my Dad again
• Grippy Sock jail pt.2
• Reuniting with K and codependency
• Being an observer in your own life
• Cheating and Loyalty
• Alcohol and Fear of change
• Losing K
• Grippy Sock jail pt.3
• My Dad comes back for good
• Atrophy and Stagnation
• Meeting S for the first time
• Using people and the decision to change
• SH for the LAST time
• Healing and the scars that come with it
• Arkansas
• Failing as a gifted child
• Current

I do plan to update this regularly or at least to try. Healing is hard, gruesome and terrifying. But I'm strong, I know I am.

 

[Gatsu]

I suppose I can sort of do whatever i want with this thread here, it being my diary. So I guess I'll use it for what I want. This week has been pretty shit for no reason other than my brain's not working the way it's supposed to, I hate that so much. No sleep, days of just staring emptily into whatever screen I've drifted to. I loathe the pills, the weed, all the damn alterations I have to make to my chemistry just to feel something anymore and at the same time it's all way to much. Time seems to have lost all it's meaning these past few days. I know it's temporary, that it's part of the cycle but f*ck, it feel's like my world is ending, the high's are way to high and the lows are in hell. I f*cking hate Bi-polar disorder. The only good that's come out of this manic period is a play list and like a slightly cleaner room. How f*cking exhausting, I can't stand it. I know this is a very negative post but hell I feel negative, I feel like shit, I feel like nothing matters. The constant crisis is overwhelming, I feel like I can't do anything. How I've been able to function like this for the last 12 years is a mystery. I want to post the spotify link, i guess it might get removed but whatever, I think this playlist explains how I feel way more than anything I could say would. Music is just like that for me.

Feel free to comment or whatever. Maybe someone else will get a kick out of that track list.

Playlist I mentioned

 

[Gatsu]

God what if nobody is ever going to understand why I never left. What if I am just a weak, scared little boy like everyone of them said I was. Thoughts of self harm have been rampant lately, I remember how the adrenaline would kick up when I did, how vengeful it felt, how it felt like I could finally hurt them for hurting me. I was the one they wanted right? They already knew i was gonna be f*cked up, first pancake is always messed up like they said. How can I love somebody who hurt me like that for so long? What the hell do I have to be grateful for when YOU are the one who put your hands on me first, YOUR the one who sent me to him when I didn't listen. But now that I'm stronger you don't have anything to say? You think that I forgot? That I forgot when you took the door off my room? Made me sleep outside like an ANIMAL? You couldn't think of a better way? I was 8 years old, what the f*ck is wrong with you? I remember so clearly why I cut myself, shredded my shoulders like I did. It was to hurt YOU. It was never about me. Everyone always says that suicide hurts the ones you leave behind the most. That's the same reason i wanted to do it. I never did because I wanted you to come with me. and now I still live with you. I still see you every single day. I see you pretend to care but it's all so f*cking fake. I never forgave you. I lied to keep a place to sleep, I lied through my f*cking teeth.

I feel so used. Like a tool. Not a person. All these emotions feel so meaningless. I hate this shit. It's all buried so deep, it's like poison in the well. Everything feels so gray and empty. How am I even supposed to remember these things when I can't remember what I walked in the room for?

I think that's all I want to say today. TLDR Bi-polar+PTSD+ADHD really blows.