Relationship Question for non-survivors re: dating > marrying a survivor with baggage?


Greetings all!

Well, the situation is this:

I am a 36yo straight female with a history of CSA/R, cPTSD, etc. Except for the abuse/rapes (which explicitly returned to my conscious mind in 2014), I could have sworn I was a virgin, saving myself for marriage. Going through the whole cPTSD/asexuality/no, everyone stay away from me bit, I have now come through the other side and am now in a mindset of finally being able to separate men from dangerous men, like I'm finally seeing clearly for the first time in years. I actually have hope that I can have what I always wanted: husband, family, normalcy, etc.

However, I also, out of desperation and hopelessness, chose to conceive my one and only child via artificial insemination because my one main purpose/goal in life was to be a mommy and I could not fathom the thought of ever conceiving of a child naturally. And I am a great mom, if I may say so myself, and the child is happy and thriving. Absolutely no regrets there!

Now, though, I see myself as being ready to date in, let's say, two years (obviously, I'm not done in therapy and there is still much to do), but I feel HOPEFUL. Only now, knowing what I know, I feel absolutely used up. Even though I'm a "consent virgin", I still have these memories of all these awful things involving my body, I have a child, I have lots of SH scars (not too, too bad, but you can see them up close). I feel like no quality man would have me.

Besides these mental health-related issues, I am quite high functioning. I own my own house, have a car, a fulltime job, I have friends, my finances have never been an issue, etc. But I feel like I may have missed the boat. The CSA/R and choosing motherhood the way I did make me feel like I will never have the future I want and now feel like I actually deserve.

I don't know if Pandy's is the place to ask this question - I feel like it's selfish somehow, maybe - but I was wondering what a man might think. I am never one to deceive someone and trap them. I believe in full disclosure and honesty, the same I would expect and demand from any prospective husband.

Any thoughts or honest opinions are greatly appreciated.


I’m not quite sure what you are asking? I’m sorry if I am missing something, but what is “Pandy”?

Are you asking supporters what we think of being a partner to somebody with PTSD? That’s a whole loaded question lol.

Short answer: It won’t matter to the right person. If they care that you have a trauma history and/or PTSD then they’re not the right person.

Long answer: PTSD relationships are a bitch. It is hard on supporters to be the target of lashing out behaviors, projection, emotional numbing, etc. We stay because we love our partners, but it is difficult.

When you are ready for a relationship communication is key. You’re on the right track with full disclosure.
Pandy's is a different support forum. I think @GreySouled asked the question there first and then copied and pasted it here.

I am a man with PTSD, so I may not fit the kind of person you're seeking responses from (there aren't many male supporters who post here long-term anymore). The question you are asking cannot be answered definitively. There is not someone for everyone. But it sounds like you are ready to go out and look for a relationship on your terms - you're not desperate or confused about what you want, like I was when I got into my current relationship. I wish you luck.


Yes, sorry, I did copy and paste from Pandy's and didn't think to proofread before posting here.
I understand that being in a relationship with someone who has PTSD (even if they've "done the work", are less triggered, etc.) is going to be difficult at times. My question was more so for a person/man going into a relationship, more so regarding the child aspect, having conceived them the way I did and for the reasons I did.

Thank you both for replying anyway.