Racist parents and dating- boundaries and other stuff. I need advice

The_One

Learning
Born and raised in the USA, parents and grandparents immigrated in 70s and then moved back and forth from here to India before permanently settling in 1990s.

Theres no easy solution to this but its been a problem for most of my life like w/ a lot of south Asians and I imagine Asians in general.

Parents always been very overprotective but when it comes to men it’s a whole different level and I’m Indian and come from a very traditional conservative background.

I’ve been through hell and back I've gotten cheated on, experienced mental and emotional abuse/ narc abuse. been SA'd by a man I thought would never do it to me. all that has led me to go through so much pain and even though I haven't dated in 3 years and I've been celibate I still am going through this. no I'm not mourning my exes as much, I've moved on as much as I can. I've done self help books, I've signed up for courses for self help basically. I'm in therapy now which has helped.

My sister is 25 years old, moved out , has a good job (younger sister) has been dating a guy for 6 months, to her its serious. I am so happy for her like over the moon excited because she's been through so much (just like me) and she's bounced back so well, has a great job, moved out etc.. VERY happy for her dude treats her amazingly well. Shes pretty sure its serious. My sister has decided to tell my mom. mom knows he's not Indian (he's black, it shouldn't matter) and my mom goes "I want an Indian son in law!!" and my mom knows my sister doesn't like Indian men (her preferences I don't try to influence her) and then she starts with the racist bullshit again "black men are players you've got to be careful" "just dont get hurt" I get that shes just being a mom but come on this racist shit isn't necessary.

It reminds me of when I first started dating my ex (latino) in high school, was my first relationship and I thought it was serious so I told my mom (bad mistake) and she went absolutely berserk, telling me all men just want women for sex, all men are dogs. Puerto Rican men are the worst (using stereotypes being really f*cking racist) never met the man but just judging soooo harshly. then she went and told my aunt and my aunt made it ten times worse.. He had to transfer schools because he was missing credits and couldn't graduate, I think my mom and my aunt took it upon themselves to come to my school and ask his counselor to speed up the process of moving him to another school so we couldn't be together. I think they really crossed the line I don't understand why she did that. like I do understand but like it was too much. I will always remember she did that. and then, my aunt and my mom decided to have a "intervention" asking me why I liked this man what do I see in him why am I dating him. just on and on. lecturing me about sex stds aids. then my aunt asks "do you want to be living in the barrios!!?" are you f*cking kidding me. how f*cking stereotypical can you be.

Im older now I realize how this man f*cked me up and we broke up, yeah maybe they were right that he was a pos and he was a horrible person (bc he is) but I wish they would've left me alone to find that out by myself. Don’t know if I will ever be able to forgive them for that I, won't be able to forget it.

the one thing that bothers me is if I'm gonna be put in the middle for this bullshit. feel like I shouldn't be responsible for her feelings, I really shouldn't. it feels like the burden is always on me to make sure my mom is okay emotionally. Shes very emotionally immature when it comes to this. When shes enveloped in her feelings theres no reasoning with her. I feel like if my sister gets married and my family disagrees my sister will get eloped and I won't see my sister coming home anymore and that really freaks me out. it'll always be an issue. I cant predict the future and I’m hoping these stalkerish/toxic things do not happen this time since my sister has moved out and is basically independent. I don't wanna deal with this bullshit drama, idk why my mom is the way she is if shes never dated and had one arranged marriage. that one man she judges all men from, I don't think thats a good thing, she has no dating experience.

which leads me to my next thought..

what happens when I get married??.. what happens when I even am dating someone. she doesn't understand what dating entails, she gets very emotional and dramatic (good thing I like Indian men). But then shes told me so many times that she wants me to find someone and even told me I should meet a guy recently in person (I'm just confused over here ok) I'm not worried about her accepting my future partner bc most likely it will be Indian but I'm worried about my aunt becoming nosy and stalkerish. it feels like sometimes I might have to cut off my family in order to be with a man... and I feel like it might be better if they're Indian but I don't know. I am 28 years old I shouldn't care what my mom or aunt say or do. I just don't want to lose the connection with my mom. its enough that I have trauma from my exes and then this adds a whole different layer to it. sometimes I wish I had a different parent who wasn't so emotional about this. Again I feel like I shouldn't care what my mom thinks if I start dating again and she starts acting crazy I feel like I'm at the age where it shouldn't matter to me. Sometimes I feel like a five year old and shes still treating me like one. she wonders why I can't find anyone but I think the main issue is that I don't wanna deal with her drama on top of relationship drama.

Can anyone relate to this and what did you do? Maybe I’m just looking to vent. But this is a major reason why I don’t date because I hate dealing with my family drama when things get serious.
 
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