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Ramblings and musings

Thread starter #1
I don't really know why I'm here. I'm not currently interested in social media. Perhaps, I liked the idea. A place to analyze my behavior and thought patterns. I think some things could be helpful or a waste of time. So maybe I'll keep on or disappear from here and try to forge my life.
I do hate ptsd.
The aches and pains every day, waking up as I'm just dozing off could be causing that. I wake up on average every hour and am quick back to sleep but, rarely do I sleep more than a few hours at a time. That's enough for atleast one REM cycle I tell myself.
The long migraines threw me for a loop this time. I managed to celebrate Independence Day with my family but, I think having one beer was not worth avoiding medicine. Not that 2 naproxens (naproxen sodium tablets) will help all that much. They take the edge off sometimes for an hour or two. My mom hated the beer anyway. After that though my migraine has been worse. I missed out on an online social gathering but, I'm sure they don't mind. I just really wanted to go but, nausea and pain. Maybe next time, I hope.
The emotional struggle has been more difficult lately. I'm not sure why. It's probably a few factors.
Ptsd triggers, migraine, aches can add up to a sickly gal. My self worth likes drop during these flares but, I'm fighting that with affirmations and self care.
I am still managing eating regularly even though my migraine makes that difficult with nausea.
I used 3 affirmations lately.
One when I came back from seeing family.
The Other Side (of ptsd treatment)
PTSD is like
those moments of pure joy
make surviving
worth it.

Later when I just struggling,
What's the rush?
We're all gonna die anyway.
Live.
Love fiercely.

Most recently,
Reasons
Others depend on me
No guilt left behind
In due time
Absent of burdens
Cherish love
Precious moments
Being together

That last one both hurts and gives me the most. It evolved over weeks. I must leave this world clean and free of burden by living and loving from my heart. I am both inspired and in awe of the effect we have on each other. I won't squander that precious gift.
 
Thread starter #2
I know that knowledge of what I've been through is a burden. To have another show compassion for my sufferings and yet see me when they look at me was not something I thought I'd ever experience. For years it was either the trauma or me and I choose me. But, the past was always there. In my body and memory. I became a burden as I grew ill. This made the pain worse and the only redemption was to get better. Never truly healed and yet healed enough to say thank you. To show gratitude by living my life as full as I possibly can. I am here, now. Thank you.
 
Thread starter #3
I'm grateful to and blame my parents. I'm grateful that they loved me and supported me. I'm angry that they were selfish and their lack of discernment led to me being assaulted as a child. I'm angry that my mother is obnoxiously loud in public and gaslights me. I'm angry my mother manipulates others, tells me how, and thinks I'm dumb enough to fall for her tactics. I mean, Why?! Just be straightforward with people.
I'm disappointed in myself for forgetting that too much mom time makes me want to slam my dishes around and speak harshly to her when she's not there. I remember my grandfather's words, "Don't take your anger out on the drawers." Don't take your anger out on your dishes... yourself.
I'm so angry that it hurts. Or am I so hurt that it makes me angry? Does it really matter? I'm not sure what my end goal was with her. I just wanted family for my family.
 
Thread starter #4
Lordy, give me strength, peace of mind and wisdom. The she-devil is trying to use me to hurt my niece and nephew's mother. Apparently their mother is throwing a birthday party next weekend. So, what's a normal response? I'd imagine something like, "That sounds like fun. How can we help?" Right? No. Not from this severely (insert amature psychoanalysis here) person who is my mother. She wants me to agree to have a party at her house this weekend! Yay! Right?!
Omg. How do you not see your effect on people? Is this the kind of grandmother that I must protect my possible future children from?
I haven't responded to her yet. I thought of telling her that that's mean. Or playing stupid and asking if she meant an adult party (wine coolers and beer) with no kids. I'm also considering suggesting that we offer the children's mom help.
Yesterday was a good day. My migraine nausea let up and I ate very well. Danced to the Beach Boys and played with my pets. Pets are so therapeutic!
I told my dear husband that I felt so good that I could tolerate my mom's bs soon again. His response was to give it another week. Lol! He was probably right!
 
Thread starter #5
I'm kinda mad that the one person who was there that I instinctively felt would protect me is also the person that makes dealing with ptsd and fostering a healthy family life more difficult. This place is not for her. It's a space for me. I won't regret getting it off my chest. I love her and hate her behavior. She is merely a part of me and I from her. That is enough. There is so much more to my healing than one part of it. I may never have a good mother and I can live with that. I lived with the trauma. If I can shape my behavior to my preference then I am strong enough to learn how to find peace within.
 
Thread starter #6
I got control over my behavior and that's awesome. It gives me confidence. What I want to do is lessen some other symptoms.
My migraine frequency has increased. Anxiety still creeps up and manifests in exhaustion. Sometimes, I'll be emotionally exhausted and sometimes physically.
Ptsd makes relationships hard. I love our extended family but, must limit my time with them. It's the same with friends. I want to see them and interact but, it just feels like too much going on.
I'm not ashamed of my symptoms anymore. Nor do I feel guilty. It'd just be nice to improve the quality of life by reducing my migraines and anxiety. Maybe if I could get something just to help with the nausea. Like the melt in your mouth tablets. I forget what they're called. The last bottle of them expired. Fortunately, I think I can do a phone consultation with my doctor.
 
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