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Reading my last thread, and how things haven't changed...(reflections)

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sleeveheart

Learning
Just wanted to come onto here and a) vent and b) reflect on my most recent relationship.

I wrote a post here awhile ago about someone I was dating (this was approximately 6 months ago, 3 months into the relationship).

TLDR: We broke up.

He initiated the breakup. He was crying, a lot. I didn't know what to say. I just accepted. He wanted to stay friends. I wasn't sure, and am still unsure. And I'm okay with that.

It's been a very stressful past month for me, and both of us are going through major life changes. On top of that, both of us have mental illness (he has anxiety, and I have cPTSD).

I'm more or less focusing on myself, making my life better. I still miss this person, and I try not to buy into the voices inside that tell me that I'm embarrassing and that no one will ever love me. I think my ability to sort of let them talk and then I walk away from them has really improved.

It was nice to be with someone who wasn't out to harm me. At the same time, this same person also didn't want to be with me. He had his reasons and I respect them. Reading through the Supporters thread helped me understand how hard it is to even be next to someone who is recovering.

I feel grateful that this time, I chose to turn to people who I trust to talk about this with, and to spend time with. Before, I would isolate in shame- I thought I was a failure for not being able to do relationships like a "normal person". Sometimes, not talking about it directly helps. But mostly, the support I built around me has been profoundly helpful. It took me 5 years to build these relationships.

I've spent my time keeping busy. At those moments when I feel the emotions, I try to let them come. And I walk away from the negativity (he thought you were unattractive, no one will ever love you again, your cPTSD is ruining everything...I could go on but I won't.) I am focusing on my career, my future small business, and all my other interests.

Side note: I've been in therapy for about 7 years now. I don't talk to my family nor have their support in any way.

I just want to let everyone know, it does get better. You will find your people. And they will love you. You are lovable.

If you want your life to change, then it's up to you. There's no way around it. And, there's no shortcut (sorry). It's going to take time, and that's ok!

Thank you for reading. I hope I can provide someone hope today :)
 
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