Sufferer Ready for change. csa, abuse, dv, & clergical abuse.

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deeplyloved

MyPTSD Pro
hello there. I've been lurking on the forum for awhile and have been profoundly moved just by reading posts here. I was diagnosed with PTSD many years ago and have been through many stints of short-term and crisis therapy. I am a survivor of childhood rape, physical and verbal abuse, an abusive teenage dating relationship and clergy abuse.

I had to do psychological evaluations for graduate school and it required some uncomfortable personal reflection and thankfully led me back into therapy. This summer, after nearly 7 months with a wonderful therapist (specializing in my precise trauma), we had our first communication rupture and I shocked myself with the intensity of my own emotional reaction. I didn't even realize I had those issues with abandonment and trust. Working through this with her has probably been one of the most humbling and healing experiences of my life. It was this forum that helped me to normalize the experience and stay with the repair, when all I really wanted to do was run away and never speak to or see my therapist again. So thank you very much.

I've been struggling with the activation of uncomfortable symptoms as I care for my family and work as an intern and function as a student. Humbling is the closest word I have to describe it right now. As I work on acceptance and release self-blame, I experience more fear and anxiety out in the world. Body memories and physical pain have taken me to my limit. But the people who love me say they see progress. So I just keep showing up and hanging on and praying for healing. I now understand that I will be managing this condition for the rest of my life. I am learning to reframe this as a gift instead of a burden...but it's not easy.
 
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