Real love is scaring me ... i don't want to screw this up

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It's been a while since I have last posted. I've been dealing with life and things so much better these days. I have met the sweetest, caring, sensitive, and loving man I could ever hope to find. Everything is wonderful. Yet I keep remembering how I have been hurt in the past: sexually abused as a child, raped at 15, and mentally manipulated 6 months ago. I have no doubt Juan is being truthful in expressing his love to me, and I to him. Despite being the happiest I ever thought I could be, I am afraid of being hurt which is making me want to run away. I don't want the miseries of my past to literally f*ck up the one thing is this world that seems honest, true, and supportive with a love and passion I only dreamed of ever finding.

Why am I wanting to run away from something so wonderful? I have never experienced such consideration or kindness or love from a man, or even another human being. It scares me that I could screw things up because I have never been treated with such respect before. How do I handle this? I don't want to lose him. I don't want to scare him off because of the hurt inflicted on my from others.

Anyone else experienced this? How did you work through it? I appreciate any ideas or suggestions.
 

Rain

Policy Enforcement
How do I handle this? I don't want to lose him. I don't want to scare him off because of the hurt inflicted on my from others.

I understand where you are coming from. If there are zero red flags this is the proof you need that everything you have is real and true. If it was me in your position because of the past traumas I would be struggling with lack of trust in him and being very unoomfortable with a new situation of this.
Are your fears and concerns based on tacts. If you have never experienced this, why are you not able to dispute your fears at one day at a time to just wait and see how you cope with everything? Have you taken these issues into therapy to try to root out the false beliefs that may be inside of you?

There are no guarantees in life I believe and and have you ever scared anyone away before in your life? Just try to find out where these fears are coming from and try to replace them with facts and truths which may help reduce the fears somewhat.


I got married to a good and decent man and the trust issue was always there like an unwelcome guest, but I was not in therapy at the time either. Eventually we went to couples therapy and learned how to better communicate these things with each other in a fair fighting mode. '

If you have a truly good man, try not to beat yourself up for having these normal fears for what you have suffered in the past, and do not be hard on yourself either. I think you are truly a blessed person and by reaching out for help here and taking this into therapy I really think that these things will be eventually smoothed over and the way easier. I am hoping for you to experience some real relief in that you are not a bad person for being afraid.
 
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She Cat

Policy Enforcement
I actually agree with @Rain A new relationship that is perfect, he’s perfect, kind, considerate, loving and there are no problems????????? Ok, so it could be the honeymoon phase, but it could also be a Narcissistic person gaining her trust too.

I would be wary. A bit on guard, because there isn’t a relationship in the world that’s perfect with no problems...... I’m not saying that he IS a creep, I’m saying I would be wary...... Just play things safe....
 
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Although I trust this person, I will admit I am still looking for signs I noticed in other people who manipulated me, lied to me, or cheated on me. My heart is open to this relationship but ... I guess time will tell if he is as true as he says he is. I just hope my heart doesn't get broken ... again. If he turns out to be like the others, I am not positive I will open my heart to anyone else. It is difficult to trust for me: not just his feelings and actions but my own heart. My heart has loved someone else and my heart got me hurt. So ... I am cautious. I cannot help it. But my heart hasn't given up on hope yet. Hope that someone does and says what they say they will.
 

Friday

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... I guess time will tell if he is as true as he says he is.

This. This is always true. The best & the worst? All take time to get to know. And everyone in between. Trust isn’t something just granted, it’s something learned over time. Not even earned IMO, but learned. It bits and pieces, this area and that. More here, less there, whole heaps here, and this area here in the red, etc. Not full on, all or nothing, and bestowed at the very beginning. It’s not like everyone in healthy relationships knew from day 1 that this is a good person, and “made the right call” whilst people in abusive relationships (or bad relationships, or even just “like & respect you tons, but this isn’t right for me”) made the wrong call on day 1. It’s all a process of time & learning. It’s okay to enjoy this process. :D To have fun & fall in love. Neither means the relationship will work, or won’t work. Time tells that one. Always. It’s a process. You’re not wrong for being happy, when there’s nothing to be unhappy about.

I just hope my heart doesn't get broken ... again. If he turns out to be like the others, I am not positive I will open my heart to anyone else.

I would caution you against this... it’s a huge amount of pressure to put on yourself, on him, & on the relationship.

On Yourself > No one knows when they first get into a relationship if the person they’re dating is someone they’ll even like, much less want to be with long term ...no matter how much they may like or even love them. Most relationships fail, not because the person is an abusive asshole, but simply out of differences. That’s a good thing, to end it because it’s not working, rather than clinging on despite everything. The idea that IF you get into a relationship it has to be “the one” worthy? You have to somehow see into the future and intuit all the things about this person that you haven’t learned, yet, and be right? Is an impossibly high standard to set for yourself.

On him > To be whom you imagine him to be, instead of who he is, that you come to know over time together.

On The Relationship > That if it fails, you’ll never have another? Oh, hon. Allow it to be a good relationship, that you learn from, and move on from if it’s not right for you. That it has to be perfect, has to be “the one”... is a crushing weight for it to bear. In both directions. Looking over faults, out of fear that this is your last shot, or fear of the pain of leaving, rather than ending things <//> any imperfection = proof that <insert cognitive distortions here>, and ending an amazing relationship because it’s not perfect. That fear of a broken heart isn’t what keeps it going, nor ends it prematurely. Let it succeed or fail on its own merits, and know that BOTH is a success. A bad relationship ended, and a good relationship kept? Both are wins.
 
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