Realisation: Making hard choices for the sake of my (mental) health

SeekingAfrica

MyPTSD Pro
So when I arrived in the place I'm now, 2.5 months ago I was so happy. I found an apartment, I was back to my friends and I had 3 months to find a job(local job, as I've been working online for years) for my visa. Fair enough. But as we all know the last years are unpredictable. It ended up that for close to 2 months, my online income was on hold. So instead of spending 3 months finding a job, I spend 2 of them, doing whatever measly mini-jobsI found just to stay afloat and pay for food. Leaving me with 4 weeks to find a job. And not to mention my online job, after finally paying me, has not yet returned to normal so I'm not sure if I will get paid in 2 weeks or longer.

So I have spent the last 2 weeks trying to simultaneously start a business/find a job/find online clients and enough of them to pay all my bills. And killing myself with anxiety as to why I had let things slide so much, get to this point, have to simultaneously do it all in the last moment. But did I? I hadn't realized that while I had wanted this to happen fast, the circumstance with my current income had prevented things. Now I have to return to my country, stay with my parents for a bit and stay away from here either for 3 more months or if I find a job before that deadline. The truth is I have been killing myself with anxiety over facts that were dependant on me. And in the process of doing so pushed my mental health many steps back, so many that I couldn't breathe. I want to stay here, I do. But this is not the way. Doing it all last moment and hoping it works may have been great, pre-PTSD.

Now, it pushed my health to a point where I was having daily panic attacks, nightmares and considering self-harm as a relief option. I want to stay, but this isn't healthy for me. It's like I wanted to skip steps, jump into magically solving the fact that I haven't had a local job in 8 years, and resolve that in 3 weeks. And simultaneously pay off my debts and bills and lose 30kg, and increase my income 3-fold. I'm all for changing my life. I hated when my mental health was at a point where I couldn't work for 2 years. I am still paying for that (debt-wise). But being healthy and functional means recognizing when there are forces and conditions that didn't depend on me. Recognizing when I'm taking on too much. Recognizing when taking a step back might actually be a healthier choice.

At this point, I pushed myself to so much damage on my health that I'll be happy to travel. To give my mind and body a break. I don't want to be away from my apartment, and ballet and my friends. I want a local job. But maybe taking a month- or 3- for myself might be what I need. To achieve the same results, just over a couple of months, not 2 weeks. To give me the space to breathe. To give me the space to develop healthier habits. To have time to simultaneously be working on having the income(to pay my bills) but also look for a job. Over a normal schedule. To develop self-care habits that will help me when I do get local work. To buy few shirts and actually have a wardrobe for working. To figure out all the documentation and permits I need gradually and calmly rather than rushing between 10 offices in 2 weeks while building a business and looking for work. Maybe someone without my mental health issues could handle that great and come out on top. But I think it's time for me to recognize what I need in the current reality, even if it isn't ideal and if it wasn't the original plan. The original plan didn't include me having 0 income for 2 months either.

Sometimes, you have to recognize when what you want/wish isn't the healthiest for you yet. Sometimes anxiety is anxiety, but sometimes it's there to show you when you have to make some changes. I think I have to make some changes. Travel for a couple of months back home, and whatever, try to make it on healthier terms than the last time. Just because last time I was in bad state there doesn't mean I can't do it in a better way this time.So I wanted to share this here. For anyone out there who thinks that just because they struggled with their health for a while and lost time, doesn't mean you HAVE to bridge the gap magically and skip steps like you never took time off. That sometimes taking steps backwards is needed so you can move forward. I hope that made sense and that it helps someone struggling the same way.
 

SeekingAfrica

MyPTSD Pro
Thank you both! Actually the same day later I found out my next income payment is now on hold. So I may as well have no work for a few weeks. So going home is the only option but right now even that is problematic because of that situation(still need money for travel ticket).

Will have to put all I have into it, mini sales of stuff I have(I'm not super attached, but I just barely have stuff to sell), mini jobs that pay right away and so on... If I can manage the next 3 week somehow maybe I'll finally get a breath. Right now I've literally broken down what I need financially in 5-10$ chunks and any chunk forward is an achievement. And here I was up until recently thinking I've started getting a hold on my finances and independence. Oh well. Gotta survive first.

Will do my best to keep positive of course.
 

SeekingAfrica

MyPTSD Pro
I really admire how you keep going and going. You've been through so much and have PTSD on top of it all. You are a rock!
Thank you for the faith, especially today! Some days like yesterday, my efforts are rewarded.... some days like today it feels like I'm killing myself trying to find how to make extra income (whether it's 5-10-20$ ) and just hitting my head on a wall. Yesterday was a good day and I was hopeful. Made more financial progress than expected, but there is still long road to go before I make rent. Maybe they can't all be good, the side job hunting days. I am so scared that small amounts that we usually take for granted may make the difference in the choices I will have to make very soon.
Still going to keep trying. Of course.

Just today I feel so so low, for giving my everything and earning nothing.
But, I have to get some sleep, and then try again I suppose.
 
Top