Really bad night

FauxLiz

Sponsor
So it has been a particularly difficult last seven days and last night was just about all I could take and very close to moving forward with ending things. Last Tuesday (not yesterday) the board for the organization I manage blindsided me by adding a last-minute item to their meeting agenda and took action to formally vote not to renew my employment contract which expires in mid-July. It has been tough as to that point in my three years with the organization I have had one performance evaluation which was two years ago that was "more than satisfactory", no other evaluations and now just "we are done with you". I suppose I should be grateful for the advance notice especially considering the pandemic but honestly, it has just been overwhelming, embarrassing, humiliating, and painful.

Yesterday, I spent seven hours at a training session that I had arranged for that board and members of several sub-committees at which through conversations that took place it became apparent that not only had the board been discussing their action for several weeks without any indication to me, input or opportunity to improve or explain my side of any issues, that they had done so with facilitation by a member of my staff and what appears to be an indication that they are considering her to fill my position and have discussed that with her.

Employment or more accurately lack of employment for me is a huge trigger. I don't have a strong support system and I have been trying to deal with on my own. I had a good therapy session on Monday, first time we had met in person in months but by the end of the night yesterday I don't even know how to explain how bad things were. I am trying really hard to function still going to work but knowing the end is looming and my time to find new employment is ticking down each day. I am struggling with my P-doc as for some reason he did not submit refills for my sleep med after our appointment in early March, so I am rationing the meds I have left taking only a half pill and as a result last night I didn't sleep well, really I didn't sleep at all, I dozed in and out from 11 pm when I went to bed until 5 am this morning an hour before my alarm was to go off, I finally fell asleep and my cat decided I wasn't allowed to sleep in and woke me up at my regular time even though I had reset my alarm.

I flirted with suicide last night if I am truly honest. I made it through the night and am a bit better today I just don't know what things will be like tonight and over the next several weeks and so I am here and will try to post here and get the support I feel certain that I can get from everyone here as I work through all of the challenges ahead of me.
 

Justmehere

Moderator
Oh wow, that would be a big blow about the job... especially for it to come about in that way with no warning and no feedback. I hope this is the open door for something better as that's some dysfunctional nonsense there. Losing a job can bring on it's own grief of sorts, and I hope these waves of grief will pass quickly. An option might be to call P doc about how bad the hopelessness is, even if you are not in a place to share about the suicidal thoughts.

I hear you that it hurts and I'm sitting with you. I am glad you made it through the night. The world is better off with you in it.
 

mylunareclipse

MyPTSD Pro
Sorry to hear about your struggles.
But thank you for sharing with us. Pi
I have almost ended my life because of my job a few times. I don’t have much advice and don’t know if this helps: but they are not worth your life if you really think of it. They fired you now don’t give them also your life. I hope you can find something else soon. Please hang in there.
 

brat17

MyPTSD Pro
I am really sorry about your job situation. It is sure not worth your life. My husband has always put his job before his family, before his health, before his mental health. Its a job....and I know it makes all of us feel useful, but the fact is, if anyone of us died today, we would be replaced in a week and pretty much forgotten about. We do put a lot of self worth into the work we do. Maybe if you can re-frame it that way, it might be helpful. I also hope that you find something better where you are more appreciated.
 

scout86

MyPTSD Pro
with facilitation by a member of my staff and what appears to be an indication that they are considering her to fill my position and have discussed that with her.
I can totally relate to how scary losing a job can be, but THAT^^^ part of things would be the worst, for me anyway. This sounds like it might have to do more with some office politics and a bit of back stabbing than it does with your performance. Is there any chance you can have an honest conversation with someone on the board, so you can at least learn, for sure, where you stand and why? (That would help me, in your position. Maybe it doesn't help everyone.)

My go to philosophical position in a "about to become unemployed" situation is to remember the words of wisdom of Milt the janitor, "I figure I was lookin' for work the first time I came through those doors an' I'll be lookin' for work the last time I walk out 'em." (I've really only found that helpful after the initial, end of the world, shock wears off and I start considering the possibilities for "plan B".) I hope all this turns out to be a lead in to the perfect job. (But, after a few of those kinds of things, I have to say it's a big part of the reason I'm self employed.)
 

FauxLiz

Sponsor
So it is Friday and a lot, I mean a lot has happened in the last couple of days. A colleague in another organization emailed me last weekend with the information about a company that was looking for someone as an interim manager so Wed. morning before I clocked in at work I sent off my information as the closing time for applications was 5pm that day. They sent me the standard we received your information email about an hour later and I went on with my day. As I was about to go back to work after lunch I received a phone call. They were meeting that evening and wanted to know if I could make myself available at 6:30 for a zoom interview. I jumped on the chance as these things can generally take weeks for boards to make a decision and I figured I would interview and still be in a holding pattern. By 9 pm that night I had been offered pending normal employment screening the interim job.

I am terrified, they want me to start in like two more weeks which means I would actually be leaving this job on my terms but it is a huge thing, I have to find a place to live, the new job is 1,300 miles away, and while there is a good chance it could become permanent and I am going to do it, but that doesn't make it any less scary, it doesn't mean I am any less skeptical. Good things like this don't happen to me. I don't trust this, I know it is happening because there isn't anything in my background that would send up a red flag but I am terrified to write my resignation letter. To inform my landlord that I am terminating my lease early because I still think it is all just been a dream and as soon as I do those things something will happen I the job will fall through and I will be left having quit my job early, homeless because I terminated my lease and will all implode.
 

DharmaGirl

MyPTSD Pro
Congrats on the new job! I can't help but feel it was in the cards for you. I hope finding a new home and moving is as easy as getting the new job. And accepting that you deserve it. Wonderful that you can leave on your terms. When I interviewed I would turn things around and interview them to see if I wanted the job. If you think of it this way, you won't feel so fragile.
 

whiteraven

MyPTSD Pro
I am terrified, they want me to start in like two more weeks which means I would actually be leaving this job on my terms but it is a huge thing, I have to find a place to live, the new job is 1,300 miles away, and while there is a good chance it could become permanent and I am going to do it, but that doesn't make it any less scary, it doesn't mean I am any less skeptical.

I have had a few experiences similar to yours, but without the notice. I know how absolutely terrifying it can all be, but I want to say from experience that leaving on your own terms will mean so much to you later. I mean, sooo much. I did that with my last job (and no prospects), and I haven't regretted it for a minute.

We're used to the bad stuff and never to anything good happening. It's ok to be scared as long as you continue to move forward. Let us hold your hope and surety and excitement for you, until you are able to own it yourself.

Congratulations! Seriously. This is so great!
 

FauxLiz

Sponsor
So the shock is starting to wear off and I am second-guessing my decision. I haven't told a lot of people yet but everyone that I have is filling my head with the millions of reasons why this is a bad idea, why I am just running away, avoiding the situation at work etc. Then they start in on how expensive it is live where I am going, how different the climate is and how I am going to hate it, or how it is all going to be completely new and I am going to fail and I am right back to telling myself how stupid I am, this is me being impulsive which never works out well for me. On top of that because of the impending move I drove to where my son goes to college to spend the Easter holiday with him which is not just a trip across town it is a 4 hour drive away and I get here only to be told that he and his roommate have just found out they were exposed Thursday night. So they are both in quarantine and my ability to see him for the last time in I don't know how long because the new job is in Florida and he is spending the summer interning in California and then will be back at school in Indiana.

What was I thinking? As miserable as I was in my job I hadn't planned to do any major search outside of the State where I lived until after he graduated from college. Too late now, also, I am going to be starting over completely in terms of healthcare. I can't exactly expect my doctors in Michigan to continue treating me when I live in Florida, I am not even sure that they can because it is going to require telehealth visits, with me in another state and federal laws get picky about treating people out of the doctor's home state unless they are also licensed to practice in the other state. Not only that, I just started being able to see my therapist in person again and we had just arranged a schedule for the next couple of months where that was not only going to be possible but also reasonable in terms of when I would need to leave from work. Its one thing to do a few sessions remotely when we are in different states because I am on vacation it is another thing if I have permanently moved. Do I have to start all over again, that would be really bad because I just sort of vomit-talked my way through a trauma that I had never even told him existed last week because I was in such a bad place about work and everything that I honestly didn't think I would last the week my SI was that bad so in the middle of everything and his trying to talk me through the work situation it all just came out and to be honest I just don't think that two more in person sessions before I move halfway across the country is going to be enough to process this event.

Why am I such an idiot? Why do I make this impulsive decisions when I know they stress me out and cause a whole different set of problems than the ones I was facing?
 

enough

MyPTSD Pro
as busy as you are, as stressed as you are, it sounds like you are more resilient than like 90% of the people I know. We are supposed to second guess and think about the problems that details will cause, but on a big picture level you impress me as strong and able to handle them. You are in possession of a large amount of wherewithal and I would bet that you will be fine.
It is painful to hear you call yourself an idiot. I don't agree.
 

Sues

Confident
When your coworkers tell you that you're making a mistake by finding another job, don't they realize that you are losing the job you have now? And even if you are able to retain your current job, can you ever really trust them after what they did and how they did it? I mean, are you kidding me?!! You are doing exactly what you need to do to take care of you, AND you did a freaking amazing job at it! You got hired immediately after you applied. You are awesome!

Why am I such an idiot? Why do I make this impulsive decisions when I know they stress me out and cause a whole different set of problems than the ones I was facing?
You are not an idiot. You did not make an impulsive decision. You not only left on your terms, you gave them the finger when they tried to fire you... fire you... and not in a normal way. No, they went behind your back, talked about you (probably talked badly about you) to everyone else, then when you showed up they were like, "oops, we um, decided you suck, so we're replacing you."

Please don't doubt yourself, your abilities, or your decision. Yes there are a lot of new things you will have to deal with. Yes, change is incredibly hard, but you can do this!
 
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