Really rough day, feel like I'm slipping...

SeekingAfrica

MyPTSD Pro
It's been a rough week, but I did what I had to. Even tried to start setting yearly goals yest.
Than today, combination of 2 things and I feel so set off that I can't think clearly. I just keep half-doing things and drifting.

First day from a long week I'm home and free to choose what I do. Yet here I am.
None of the things that help are helping. I don't want comfort food, hot drink didn't help. I feel too absent minded to play a game, I watch and my mind is elsewhere, I wrote and I made it worse, I can't make my body move(to workout, walk, draw, all the same). I did the only work things that were a must today(for a first time in weeks- only half an hour work really). I can't make myself talk to anyone (on chat somewhere, to a friend or anything- besides my head feels like filled with cotton and like I can't speak or have anything to say). It feels like it's snowy but sunny day, worth of being productive. But all I write down to do makes me feel hopeless. I've even allowed myself to take a moment if I have to, first day I can- but nothing feels good enough to do. No apps or skills or what I do is working.

I just feel frozen. Like when you're in shock. Like I keep drifting in and out. Like anything that feels not like this is worth it but I wish I knew something that worked
 

Elsewhere

Learning
I watch and my mind is elsewhere
Ooh boy, do I relate to what you wrote. In fact, it’s why I chose my user name... No matter where I am, I always seem to be elsewhere (or nowhere, I guess).

I’m sorry you’re going through this, @SeekingAfrica. It’s a weird kind of pain. A pain of absence, in a way.

I tend to think of it as dissociation with anhedonia. A sense of extreme disconnection mixed with paralysis and (perhaps) apathy. That’s how I experience it, anyway. Lately it has defined my existence. I’ve lost interest in hobbies, and I’m unable to stay present enough to even have a coherent conversation with my partner. I even bailed from the workforce not too long ago, because I’d become so detached and dysfunctional. I can’t really even envision the future. Everything just seems pointless and impossible. I feel weak and completely empty. Sometimes I can’t even focus my vision. It all seems related in my mind (though I don’t know for a fact that it is)

I don’t know how to get out of this, either. However, I wanted to let you know that you’re not alone, and that I can deeply sympathize, in case that helps in some small way
 

SeekingAfrica

MyPTSD Pro
So what is the trigger? Is it your home from childhood? What is the connection to the house?
Oh! I find it hard to make sense when I'm triggered so that has come out in the wrong way. I am self-employed so I work at home. I am right now at my parent's place because of document issues. However, all I meant with the home was, that after a week of spending at least 5h daily dealing with administration and finding it hard to schedule my job and do all I need to do. Finally, I had a day in which I wasn't running around between banks and offices, so I could work. I could draw, read, cook, clean, workout, dance, set goals and do everything I didn't have time for earlier in the week. But instead, I was spending it trying to push away dark thoughts and unable to concentrate on anything.
I don't want to talk about the trigger, because I'm not sure I'm fully out of it yet. But it brought up my childhood trauma, which is harder for me(because I have spent less time working on it, I think) and it still feels at the edge of my mind. And I thought writing will make it better, get it out of me, but it sort of made it worse I think. So I spend some time doing... well, not much.
But things are slightly more comprehensible now. And I'm still here so, I suppose that's something.

A sense of extreme disconnection mixed with paralysis and (perhaps) apathy.
Like that! Except it rarely happens to me. Only when I am really triggered but overwhelmed and instead of going into flashback, I start dissociating. There was a time when I could barely function. Lately I've been much, much better(after a lot of therapy and work and time and 1000 other things). So it always feels like a lowblow when I have such moment. I think I have started getting out of it a bit(hence the ability to explain and make proper sentences.) although I don't think the rest of the day will be much productive. I still feel like in a haze, but not as in-escapable, so I'm hoping tomorrow is better.
However, I wanted to let you know that you’re not alone, and that I can deeply sympathize, in case that helps in some small way
Thank you! That does help a little.
 
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Oh! I find it hard to make sense when I'm triggered so that has come out in the wrong way. I am self-employed so I work at home. I am right now at my parent's place because of document issues. However, all I meant with the home was, that after a week of spending at least 5h daily dealing with administration and finding it hard to schedule my job and do all I need to do. Finally, I had a day in which I wasn't running around between banks and offices, so I could work. I could draw, read, cook, clean, workout, dance, set goals and do everything I didn't have time for earlier in the week. But instead, I was spending it trying to push away dark thoughts and unable to concentrate on anything.
I don't want to talk about the trigger, because I'm not sure I'm fully out of it yet. But it brought up my childhood trauma, which is harder for me(because I have spent less time working on it, I think) and it still feels at the edge of my mind. And I thought writing will make it better, get it out of me, but it sort of made it worse I think. So I spend some time doing... well, not much.
But things are slightly more comprehensible now. And I'm still here so, I suppose that's something.


Like that! Except it rarely happens to me. Only when I am really triggered but overwhelmed and instead of going into flashback, I start dissociating. There was a time when I could barely function. Lately I've been much, much better(after a lot of therapy and work and time and 1000 other things). So it always feels like a lowblow when I have such moment. I think I have started getting out of it a bit(hence the ability to explain and make proper sentences.) although I don't think the rest of the day will be much productive. I still feel like in a haze, but not as in-escapable, so I'm hoping tomorrow is better.

Thank you! That does help a little.
Thanks for sharing this. Happens to me, in fact today, but couldn't explain. Still don't understand the reason. Ran around all week. My service dog went back to school yesterday to add a couple skills. So much running around. Today free. I actually made a list of things to do while he's gone. It's sitting on the table staring at me. Understand where you are and sorry to hear you are there. Hope it's a short stay.
 
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