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Recent events and new years off to a rocky start.


Hello, I came here to vent a bit. Various things have happened since I last posted here, my mother getting drunk as all hell, having an argument with me about arianna grande of all people, and pushing me into a wall and almost started hitting me (something she doesn't normally do, for those concerned) before going back to her usual tactics of name calling, threating to end her own life and blaming me for it, running away from the house in the middle of the night, etc etc. This was two days after my last post here, when I had encountered the person who sexually abused me as a kid. However, those, somehow, are lesser things. I was kinda used to the things my mum did cos she has done them before, and I had recovered from the anxieties meeting my abuser again caused. However, recently (aka, last night) I had an experience with a friend who has major issues regulating his alcohol intake. I kinda wanna just vent about it cos its hard to organise my emotions on the issue.

To put it short, a friend touched me in places I didn't want to be touched. Not s*xually, but in that kinda area, without my consent, knowing doing that would hurt me.

The long story is one of my friends noticed another friend (K) was drinking way too much, like, a bit more than a litre of vodka, plus some other drinks, I forget which ones. The friend (O) who noticed told him to stop because he knew this guy does not become pretty when he's drunk. K is also a massive lightweight and O was honestly kinda worried for his health and safety at the rate he was going. Bare in mind, O had just finished a night of taking hardcore drugs at a rave. O was not exactly a conservative drinker himself, and even he was telling K to stop. O grabbed the drinks away from K who went downstairs looking for more. I was eating some pizza and drinking some cider too, with my boyfriend. The drunken friend, K, tried looking for some more alcohol, and f*ckin stole my last pizza slice (which honestly, it was a really nice pizza so that pissed me off even then), before becoming desperate for alcohol. We could see where this was going, it'd happened before, and K started pushing my boyfriend around to find alcohol (or trying to, my partner is pretty bulky and K is a twig). It was like he was in a frenzy. We had to retrain him to get him to stop, to the point he physically fought my boyfriend. At one point, I think while trying to hit my partner and/or because O was trying to give him some water, it was hard to tell, he almost smashed the water glass, at which point I restrained him, just by putting his hands behind his back by holding his wrists. I am not a physical person, I am terrified of confrontation, verbal, physical, you name it, but I felt we were gonna end up with someone hurt if I didn't hold him back while my friend moved the glasses and shit.

I had Ks hands behind his back, when he promptly started touching my sensitive areas. I assumed he didn't know where he was touching, so I told him to stop because he was touching me in a place I didn't want to be touched, but then he said something like, "Oh, am I? Well you put my hands there," and did it again before I let go of him. For further context, he knew I had been sexually abused in childhood, and knew touching me there would have upset me.

He again fought my boyfriend and O, etc etc. Eventually O hid the drinks and pretended to pour the alcohol away when K was trying to fight my partner. I was really shaken up and had locked myself in a bathroom to have a good cry, pretending to have a nosebleed cos I didn't wanna cry in front of my friends.

I know the touch wasn't in a s*xual context, but I was still badly effected because of the sexual abuse, and other forms of sexual violence, I'd experienced throughout my life. And this was the *second time* this friend had violated my boundaries and become violent when drunk. He had done it before, where he kept asking to have s*x with me even when I said no, and then accidentally touched my chest, the combination of which ended giving me flashbacks to the abuse I went through as a kid. But I forgave him because I believed he'd change and better himself, and I knew the breast touch was accidental. It had still upset me obviously, since he was harassing me and kept asking me for sex, but I felt back then he didn't realise how much that behaviour would upset me. He's autistic, obviously no excuse, most my friends are and I have been diagnosed with ADHD and dyspraxia (and maybe autism but no professional diagnosis as of now), but I understand he has issues understanding boundaries while sober, so I said as long as he can learn to regulate his drinking when out with us, it'd be fine. He is normally a good friend, after all. He'd apologised, and was guilty for ages after. He has OCD, and has simular thoughts to the ones I used to get before I started sertraline, ie, POCD and other forms of harm OCD, so he beat himself up over it severely, and that experience did lead to some change, for a while. But last night was so much worse, I ended up having a near hysterical breakdown once O forced K out the house and took him home with another friend.

I feel it was worse mostly because, while the touch didn't seem overtly sexual, it felt more intentional. Like, the touch was more or less little taps, not groping or anything like that, but he was trying to upset me. I told him where he was touching, and told him to stop, and he did it again, which to me just felt like him trying to hurt me emotionally well enough to let him go. First touch, he had plausible deniability that he didn't know where he was touching. But he had even acknowledged he heard and understood me when I told him to stop, and literally said "well you put my hands there" and continued. He knew what he was doing then. So, I just feel more violated, I suppose. I hesitate it to label it something as serious as sexual assault, as again, the touch wasn't sexual to my knowledge. But I am almost certain he was trying to hurt me, and that really f*cking stings. I have been friends with this person for ages, since we were kids, and we have always supported each other emotionally. I've always done my best to help in the ways I could, and while he's not the best at comforting people, he was always a good listener and was really good at understanding how I felt most the time. Which is why I feel so violated. That trust had been betrayed and I feel like a fool for forgiving him the first time. I feel like it was my fault, for "putting his hands there", or like I am over reacting because it wasn't that bad.

I feel like I shouldn't call it an assault because it wasn't really a sexual touch, but at the same time it was in a sexual area and the fact he knew he was touching there and that makes me second guess that. Like, maybe there was some sexual intention? He has admitted to finding me attractive, and the previous time he had gotten in that kind of drunken state where he had asked to have sex with me, like... it doesn't exactly bode well. He later said he didn't actually want to have sex with me and was just joking around, which I believed because we make those kinda jokes constantly and it was only an issue because I started getting uncomfortable but he wouldn't stop when I said to, but now I'm not so sure. I feel maybe I somehow led him on. Me and my boyfriend are very open about our sex lives, especially since I became comfortable talking about it (I have no filter, ADHD brain). So idk maybe that had influence. I put his hands there. Part of me thinks that blaming myself is stupid, but a larger part is blaming me anyway. I know its kinda irrational but what if it isn't irrational? What if the irrationality is actually the rational side? Anyway, regardless of if one would label this a sexual assault, I feel intensely violated, and hurt. And, now time has passed, angry. Initially, I was so shocked anger wasn't in my mind. And ultimately, I fully blamed myself at that point, and fully felt I was over reacting, whereas now I only MOSTLY think it was my fault and partially think I am over reacting. The second I left the bathroom and saw my boyfriend, I burst into hysterics and was bawling. I, according to my partner, just kept repeating the same phrases over and over, I'm sorry, please tell me you still love me, I don't want to be set back (in regards to sex, as I had only recently made enough progress mentally to have penetrative sex despite it being 2 years of me and my partner dating), etc. I remember being terrified my bf would be mad at me (even though he has been nothing but gentle and supportive). I was panicking, and once I was calm, I only achieved so by pushing the emotions away and numbing myself. Now I have processed this a bit more, there's more room for anger now. I keep flipping between self blame, and blaming him, perhaps subscribing more malice to his actions than he intended. It's hard to tell if my perception of reality is right with emotions this high. But I just can't figure out why he did that. He knew it'd hurt me. He knew from last time this happened, he knew when I told him to stop, he knew. I just don't know why he thought it was ok. It's never been ok for us to do that. We make sexual jokes within our group, but we never go as far as that.

I digress. I am unsure if I should label it a sexual assault, but I feel I was violated in some other way. I mean, it doesn't need to be assault for it to be wrong or for it to hurt. I feel gross and super confused as to how to feel or what to do. He gave me this really shitty apology. Last time, it felt like he meant it. This time it felt like an after thought. I don't know if he expected me to reply before properly apologising, but I decided to ignore it because I was still reeling when I saw it. Now I don't wanna reply at all cos it seems so hollow. I feel like its my fault, because I talk about sex too much. I dunno what to do or how to feel, its so confusing. We recently just lost a friend (N) because he had done some terrible things, but nothing like this. N was a bad person to be around, but I don't think he was ever intentionally trying to hurt us, which is why we gave him so many chances. He blew every one of them, which is why we felt we couldn't stay friends. But he wasn't malicious, to me at least (though, he was very antagonistic towards my boyfriend, so not entirely innocent.) I don't want to lose another friend so soon. But, K? Are there second or third chances for this sorta stuff? I feel like my emotions are blinding me either way, either I am overreacting and shouldn't block him out my life, or perhaps I am underreacting due to emotional connection and I should cut him out. I do and don't want to, because I loved our friendship growing up and have always cherished it, but I am so scared this will happen again. I don't wanna drink with him again, so I don't think its likely, but what if he drinks with someone else and this happens?

I don't think asking for advice on the internet is the best idea, people online don't have the full picture, but I would be interested in others perspectives based on what you have read here. Thank you for reading.