Sufferer Recent trauma, past trauma, PTSD

I am new to this forum, but unfortunately not to PTSD. It took me many years of therapy to learn to distance myself from past emotional traumas that had been with me since a very young age. However, I have recently experienced a different type of trauma and know this is not something I will be able to cope with on my own.

My brother committed suicide 6 weeks ago, which in and of itself was horrible. He and I were very close and I loved him very much, but he'd had mental illness and addictions to everything that no amount of love or rehab could fix it. I've been absolutely devastated and heartbroken. Additionally I'd also gone to the hotel where he had been staying and they had not cleaned up the room. It was obvious where my brother had shot himself in the head with a 9mm handgun. I didn't want his things to get thrown away, but my friend and I had to collect his things in that room ..it was difficult. At the same time I knew it would be the last time I ever felt close to my brother and it was hard for me to leave.

Since then I've been unable to be around other people for very long. I'd had to be put on an antianxiety because I was getting sick with cried to the point of not being able to function. I've lost all interest in everything I enjoyed and don't look forward to getting through the next few months. Grief is turning into depression, but my doctor and I are addressing that as well. I've been sobbing, screaming, angry, and grieved. Night and day. I go to sleep and wake up thinking about it. Those nightmarish details pop in and out of my mind all the time.

In a storage space my brother left a reciept for the gun he had bought, a book on how to committ suicide, and a journal with one entry saying he wanted to go through the process of killing himself. It's the small details we'd seen in the room that lodged in my subconscious and I will not be able to cope with, without help. I can't bring myself to write about it yet, talk about it, avoid thinking about it best I can.

I'd been diagnosed for PTSD following a difficult childhood with an absent alcoholic mother who'd left us when we were little. Followed by more trauma and losses. This is something altogether new. I feel overwhelmed, alone, anxious and cannot figure out how I can possibly deal with the knowledge of what I saw. I'm seeing another therapist next week. He also offers EMDR which others have told me is useful in cases such as mine.
 
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