Relationship Recently started dating girl with PTSD and Chronic Depression and I feel lost in what to do

Heya everyone!

I'm new here and joined this forum because I'm struggling really hard to understand the situation I am in right now. I want to share my story and hope that some insight from others who've dealt with this before, or have an understanding of the situation might be able to help or atleast give me some advice.

A bit of backstory: I'm 32 at this point. I hadn't been dating for 10+ years at this point. 10 years ago I went through 5 girlfriends in 2 years time. While I'm an introvert, I believe I was quite a fun person to hang around with. I had a lot of friends at that time and eventhough I didn't always have much to say, I did feel like I added something valuable to being around other people. But going through those 5 girlfriends, they always ended up dumping me after a few weeks or months. The longest relationship lasted for 6 months. I'm a highly sensitive person, so going through this loss after loss truly had a lot of impact on me. Heartbreak after heartbreak really screwed with me and I became scared of letting people too close, since I knew people were going to leave me anyway. I felt like it had something to do with me. I did something wrong and it would probably be better not to try getting into relationships again, since I was bound to get hurt. I also pushed away some friendships this way, knowing that if I continu to put effort into it, I could only get hurt anyway. So I only stayed in contact with the friends I've known since childhood, of which I knew they would never leave me. As a child I always got bullied, my parents (although they're great people and they really try) were never truly emotionally invested in me because they didn't seem to understand me when I tried to be open about my feelings and emotion. When I was excited about something or wanted to achieve something, I always heard that I couldn't do it, I wasn't smart enough, or it was a stupid idea. I think all of this combined has really made me put massive shields around me to protect me from getting hurt. I shut down emotionally and never truly "talked" so much anymore. Because whatever I did, it never felt like it was good enough. I'm terrible at smalltalk and don't enjoy it at all. But while putting up all those shields, I'm affraid I forgot how to communicate and act towards people I actually want to get close to. Also I had smoked marijuana every now and then since 18 years old, but after all the loss I really started smoking on a daily basis. I made myself believe I needed it to not be so overwhelmed by my emotions all the time since I'm highly sensitive and thought I needed it to fall asleep at night. I've just now, after the story I'm about to tell, come to the realisation that I've just been hiding behind it and the walls I've put up for myself all this time.


So nearly 2 months ago, I got introduced to a girl through a mutual friend. He knew her for the past half year at least from an online game and saw that she had many shared interests with me and thought we would be a great match. She came out of a 4 year relationship half a year ago and has attempted dating a couple of times since. She always attracted the wrong type of guys who are mostly interested in her for sex and nothing more. Our mutual friend told her she deserved a really sweet guy that truly appreciates her for who she is. He told her I'm an introvert and a really quiet kind of guy, so she had to be a bit patient with me. She was ready to give it a shot and so was I.

I got her number and started texting her. Immediately we really seemed to match. We had a lot of fun texting and after a few days we also started talking on Discord, an online voice chat service. We'd be texting and talking throughout the day and night and truly had an amazing time. Before we ever reached the point of a first date, we were sure we truly liked eachother based on our conversations and we really open towards eachother emotionally. She told me I was the sweetest guy she's ever met and that she found that really attractive in me. At some point within 2 weeks of texting and talking she told me she already started to feel in love with me and so did I with her. We're both the kind of people that don't have sex when we're not truly in love with someone and we don't have sex on the first date. We knew that about eachother, yet a few days before we knew we would meet eachother for the first time she told me this connection that we had felt so right, that she wanted to have sex with me. Maybe not the first date. But she wanted it. She was craving to be together and being able to hug and kiss at least. She also told me that since the Corona virus started, she gained quite some weight because she's been isolated at home for this whole time which made her feel uncomfortable with herself and therefor, was scared I would reject her when I finally got to see her in real life because she clearly didn't look like the (5 year old) pictures that I had seen from her before. I told her that at that point, I couldn't care less how she looked because I already fell in love with who she was as a person and I still am. During our first voice chat conversation she had told me that she suffers from PTSD and Chronic Depression. I thought I knew what that meant. She had been traumatized, but I had no idea how or how it affected her in her day to day life. I felt like it was too early to ask for any further explanation because we had only known eachother for a week at that point. It seemed unfair and too soon.

After 2 weeks, we went on our first date. Since it's Corona time and we can't really go out on an ordinary date, I went to her house since I still live with my parents. We were both a bit shy, but we really seemed to like on another in real life as well. Although we didn't talk as much as we did through texting or voice chat, we did a lot of hugging and kissing and really seemed to bond even further in a non-verbal way. We watched a movie, ordered dinner and one thing led to another, we had sex. This made me belive that she was truly in love with me. Since she told me she never has sex with someone she's not in love with. I felt loved and accepted for who I am eventhough I was still very much insecure about myself because I think I'm too silent or boring. But she constantly gave me the confirmation that she liked me and was still in love with me so the first date led to another. After the first time we had sex, she got a cystitis, which is fairly common for a woman to have with a new intimate partner. By the second date I stayed for 3 days, the cystitis was gone and we had sex again. Yet again, she seemed to have it. This time though, it wouldn't go away so easily. This really got her into a terrible emotional state. She was constantly in pain while isolated in her home.

At this point, I started to notice she'd become less affectionate, responded less on my texts and all in all, really didn't seem to talk much to me anymore. Sure, I would receive a couple of messages a day like "good morning", "what are you doing" and "sleep well", but no matter how much effort I put into trying to sending her loving, caring and affectionate messages, she just wouldn't send such messages back to me anymore. Nothing seemed to open her up at this point. I figured she was in a terrible mental space right now because of the cystitis and the mental problems that would cause for her because of her PTSD and/or depression. At this point the cystitis got so bad, she could hardly get out of bed, much less do anything else. So I went to her house for 4 days to take care of her. I did her groceries, made sure that she had something to drink at all times, got her the medication she needed to get better and helped cleaning the house because she just couldn't. Obviously, she was too sick to be any "fun" around me but I didn't care. All I wanted to do was show her I was there for her and she really seemed to appreciate it. I would lay next to her in bed and she would still kiss me, snuggle with me and tell me that she likes me and I was really kind to care for her during this time. After 4 days though, she told me that she really liked me helping out and being there for her, but it became a bit too much and she needed some time and space of her own. I understood. Being locked up with someone for 4 days in your own house and having no way to "escape" can be really hard on someone, especially if you have PTSD and depression. I was glad she told me, because I would've stayed there for as long as I could if it were up to me while clearly, she couldn't handle that.

The week after, I asked her if I could see her again that week and she told me she still wasn't feeling alright so she'd rather skip that week. During the time inbetween taking care of her and asking her if we could meet up, she was responding even less to my texts and when I asked her questions about how she was doing or asking questions to get to know her better during her absence, she'd just completely ignore them and started talking about something else like I never even asked her anything. She'd never talk to me 1-on-1 on Discord anymore and only joined the convo when other people were around. When they'd leave, she would say she was going to bed while I could see that she was playing her videogames still. So when I asked her when we would meet up and she wanted to skip, I asked her if there was something wrong. Maybe she didn't like me like she thought she did or if maybe something mentally or physically was bothering her. Maybe there was something she couldn't talk about or maybe she didn't want to hurt me. I let her know that she could tell me anything she wanted and that it was ok for her to feel that way, whatever it was. That if there was something we had to talk about, I'd rather meet her that week and have things cleared out. I just wanted her to be honest about it so I could know what to expect and not live in uncertainty until the time I'd see her next. She reminded me I was dating someone with PTSD and Chronic Depression and that sometimes when she just doesn't feel well, she just can't have anyone around her, doesn't feel like being touched and just doesn't feel like talking in general. She told me that when I send her sweet texts, she can't always show to me how she feels or send sweet messages back because that's just really hard for her during those times. She would respond to my long, sweet and thought out texts though and say things like "Aww, you're so sweet" or "I like you too". But that was about as far as she could open up. You can imagine that when you try to send affectionate messages on a daily basis (because that's what we did before and she really like that. I know some people aren't into that, but she is) and you get nothing in return except the forementioned messages, it really starts to feel like you're talking to a wall and it really got me into thinking that she didn't like me anymore. Yet, after I asked her if something was wrong, she told me she hoped that when she tells me she likes me and thinks I'm sweet, I would assume she was speaking the truth eventhough she couldn't show me the same amount of affection I did. She told me that since we started talking, things went a bit too quick, to fast for her, since when I would go to her, it's would usually be for 3-4 days in a row. I can understand that. I also asked her about the fact that, while she tells me she "just can't right now" or doesn't feel like talking, I know that she's still on Discord on a daily basis with her in-game friends for hours and hours and I wondered how that works. She told me that with those people, she could choose how much she'd show of herself and that I've become a much bigger part in her life than those people are, that I'm also going to see her bad sides and she can't always handle trying to act alright infront of me like she does to those people, because she doesn't want to put on the "mask" she puts on in front of those people infront of me, because that would be wrong. Fair point, I thought. So I let it be. I'm happy she still has people she can talk to when she feels like she can't talk to people that are close to her.

Her reminding me of her PTSD and depression really opened my eyes though. I started doing my research on the topics. I read entire web pages on symptoms and how it affects people's lives. I've read and watched YouTube video's about what it's like to be dating with or being in a relationship with someone with PTSD and depression for both the ones having it and the ones being in a relationship with a trauma survivor. I've listened to both therapists and survivors so I would learn to understand it from all perspectives. I really wanted to understand her better so I could give it a place in my heart and know how I could be there for her in a way that she needs and learn to understand where her need for space, aviodance symptoms and her being less affectionate and open comes from. I told her I was doing research on it, because I knew she wasn't able to tell me what it's like for her and what I could do for her. She really appreciated that I took the time and effort to educate myself on the topics.

So after 2 weeks, I finally got to see her again. Still not physically well, so there's probably more going on than just cystitis. She told me before I went there that she wasn't ready to have sex yet because she still had pain there and was scared to make it worse. I really don't care, I'm just happy to be with her. So I went. Now, it's like when I'm there, she's constantly looking for distraction to avoid any kind of deeper social contact. She's playing her game when I'm there, she asks if I want to watch a movie and then falls asleep after a couple of minutes because she says she feels comfortable with me (I know she has a lot of trouble sleeping so I see this as a compliment. This usually happens when we watch a movie) or is on her smartphone playing games or being on social media. Now, I've told her I really don't mind if she does her own thing when I'm there and I don't. Since we're basically locked up in her house and can't do much else. She still kisses and hugs with me, but I still felt kind of left out and avoided. We do say things to eachother when I'm there, but it's mostly smalltalk. I get the feeling that I should try to talk more, but feeling so insecure, I have no idea what to say because any attempt to dig deeper into who she is, to really get to know her, has failed so far. I waited the whole day for the moment we went to sleep, so she had no distraction, to tell her that I'm really trying to understand her, but that it's really hard for me to understand, when she doesn't speak to me about it. I said we don't have to talk about the things you're going through until you feel comfortable doing so, but we do have to talk and communicate in order to keep forming a bond and I do have to know how I can be there for her, because I'm affraid that if we hardly text or talk about meaningful things to bond, we could start to lose eachother out of sight. She started crying and told me that she thought I needed someone who could show me the same kind of affection as I do to her and that she can't always be that person. I told her that I don't need to recieve as much as I give, but I do need to know where this sudden change in behaviour is comming from so I can give it a place in my heart and I genuinely didn't know. I said that now that I did my research I understand it better. She again told me things were going a little bit too fast for her and that she needed to take a step back. That in the beginning it was all fun and exciting and she put a lot of effort in it, which drained her a lot. Which I can totally understand. But going from texting all day, everyday and talking to eachtother for hours upon hours and seeing eachtoher weekly, suddendly changing to hardly any contact in any form because she's too overstimulated, while being able to being on Discord and talk to multiple other people at the same time day after day for hours upon hours while not being able to see me, when she tells me she feels comfortable around me and generally doesn't say or do much anyway? That, I do not understand. I still feel like I might be too silent and boring for her, but she says that's not the case. She says she likes everything about me, yet seems unable to show it in any way.

Now, a week later, I tried to hook up in real life again and she told me she's skipping this week again because she visited her parents over the weekend and feels tired and needs time alone. All this, while I know she's playing her game and talking to others every day, all day. I really want to understand but I can't shake the feeling that something's wrong. This might be my own insecurity speaking because of my experiences with abandonment in the past, but I really like to know what you guys and gals think.

Is this the end of the road, or it is just me and my own fears?


Thank you to whomever was able to read through all of this and thanks in advance for any answers and insight.


Love,

UrDutchFriend
 
I wouldn’t read too much into it. She’s told you she just needs some space. I would take that at face value. Try giving her some space and see how that goes. Space means emotional space too. Now would not be the time to bombard her with love texts or relationship talks.
Thank you for your response. I've been doing my best for a couple of days now to actually give her the space that she seems to need. What I'm genuinly trying to understand though, is why it is that she tells me she's tired/overstimulated and needs some alone time, but then seems to have all the energy in the world to talk to other people day and night. It's like she's ok talking to anyone else but me. Could it be because I'm emotionally "closer" to her and therefor it's harder to communicate with me vs people that she doesn't actually know and see irl no matter what the topic of the conversation I'm trying to initiate with her is?
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
Thank you for your response. I've been doing my best for a couple of days now to actually give her the space that she seems to need. What I'm genuinly trying to understand though, is why it is that she tells me she's tired/overstimulated and needs some alone time, but then seems to have all the energy in the world to talk to other people day and night. It's like she's ok talking to anyone else but me. Could it be because I'm emotionally "closer" to her and therefor it's harder to communicate with me vs people that she doesn't actually know and see irl no matter what the topic of the conversation I'm trying to initiate with her is?
yeah possibly. I would imagine that it's easier for her to talk about superficial things online or by phone because it distracts her from her PTSD and depression. she won't have the energy or patience to talk about her health problems or relationship stuff. Also (and I mean this in the kindest possible way), If your not getting the attention that you want/need then try to find it with other people.
 

Sweetpea76

Moderator
What I'm genuinly trying to understand though, is why it is that she tells me she's tired/overstimulated and needs some alone time, but then seems to have all the energy in the world to talk to other people day and night.
Other people aren’t making emotional demands on her, and don’t have any expectations. Even if you think you *aren’t* doing those things, you are. It’s typical relationship stuff... this isn’t a typical relationship though. When can I see you? Are you ready to talk to me yet? That is stress and somebody with PTSD cannot process stress like you and I. It’s easier to shut it out than deal with it.

Consider a few things. 1. Giving space to somebody who needs it in order to feel better is a loving act. 2. If you aren’t giving somebody space because you think you’re helping them, you’re not comforting them, you’re comforting yourself.
 

Justmehere

Sponsor
She started crying and told me that she thought I needed someone who could show me the same kind of affection as I do to her and that she can't always be that person. I told her that I don't need to recieve as much as I give, but I do need to know where this sudden change in behaviour is comming from so I can give it a place in my heart and I genuinely didn't know.
None of us are really in her head to know for sure what she is thinking and why she is the way she is but it sounds like she is saying it's coming from battling PTSD and depression. Some people, not all, but some with those mental health conditions really struggle to sustain emotionally close and meaningful relationships. It's not about how likable you are as a person - which I know can be super confusing and hard to see in the thick of it. It's more like someone with a broken leg that can't run a lap. They may want to do it but can't. People on discord don't take much emotional investment. Romantic relationships are a different story.

It might not be the right fit relationship for the two of you due to you both needing different things, or it might all shake out to work out very well for you both long haul.

Breakups hurt. It doesn't define you. Dating is about finding the right fit. You'll run into people that are short term dates and some that take longer to sort out if this one is a long haul relationship. It's common to various date people for various periods of time until someone finds someone who is the right fit for the long haul. It seems like your self confidence has taken an understandable hit with the past breakups. I'd recommend working on building up your self confidence. (Easy to say, hard to do.) Don't let her actions define it - you define it for you.
 

woodsy1

MyPTSD Pro
Hell @UrDutchFriend,

I'm sorry to hear of the struggle you are experiencing. It must be very challenging (and exhausting!) attempting to be in a meaningful relationship with someone with PTSD. I know that I have C-PTSD, and I find it hard enough to be in a relationship with my own self!

That sounds funny, and it is. I have to find ways to make myself laugh at myself or life could become simply unbearable. The jokes with an element of truth in them are the most funny.

There's no way I could tell a person how to be in a relationship with me. But I do know what survival looks like for me. Many people call it life, but for me, since my trauma, it's not life, it is survival.

Maybe knowing how I survive day to day would help someone know how to relate to me?

One day at a time.

Yesterday was a great day and I was prince charming. I seemed perfectly "normal." But I'm not, I have PTSD.

One day at a time.

Today I'm a nervous wreck, can't think straight, can't be around anyone, and don't know if it's a good idea for anyone to be near me.

One day at a time.

Tomorrow I may or may not call you. For a week. Maybe two. I'm white-knuckling my way through each day just to be able to get through the day to escape into sleep.

One day at a time.

A week later, wow! I'm feeling "normal" again. Are the people who've stayed in my life this far tired of me yet? I'll give them a call and see.

One day at a time.

I know people get tired of hearing, one day at a time. But it's the only way I can live. I'm like the daily surprise lottery. I never know what I'm going to get. It's maddening for me, it's got to be doubly maddening for you!

One day at a time.

I hope this is helpful.

Woodsy1
 
yeah possibly. I would imagine that it's easier for her to talk about superficial things online or by phone because it distracts her from her PTSD and depression. she won't have the energy or patience to talk about her health problems or relationship stuff. Also (and I mean this in the kindest possible way), If your not getting the attention that you want/need then try to find it with other people.
Other people aren’t making emotional demands on her, and don’t have any expectations. Even if you think you *aren’t* doing those things, you are. It’s typical relationship stuff... this isn’t a typical relationship though. When can I see you? Are you ready to talk to me yet? That is stress and somebody with PTSD cannot process stress like you and I. It’s easier to shut it out than deal with it.

Consider a few things. 1. Giving space to somebody who needs it in order to feel better is a loving act. 2. If you aren’t giving somebody space because you think you’re helping them, you’re not comforting them, you’re comforting yourself.
None of us are really in her head to know for sure what she is thinking and why she is the way she is but it sounds like she is saying it's coming from battling PTSD and depression. Some people, not all, but some with those mental health conditions really struggle to sustain emotionally close and meaningful relationships. It's not about how likable you are as a person - which I know can be super confusing and hard to see in the thick of it. It's more like someone with a broken leg that can't run a lap. They may want to do it but can't. People on discord don't take much emotional investment. Romantic relationships are a different story.

It might not be the right fit relationship for the two of you due to you both needing different things, or it might all shake out to work out very well for you both long haul.

Breakups hurt. It doesn't define you. Dating is about finding the right fit. You'll run into people that are short term dates and some that take longer to sort out if this one is a long haul relationship. It's common to various date people for various periods of time until someone finds someone who is the right fit for the long haul. It seems like your self confidence has taken an understandable hit with the past breakups. I'd recommend working on building up your self confidence. (Easy to say, hard to do.) Don't let her actions define it - you define it for you.

I understand not being able to talk about health or relationship topics during such times. But even when I ask her totally unrelated stuff, she doesn't answer it either. She will eventually reply with something entirely else that's in no way related to what I was saying. I've been trying not to text her for a couple of days now, unless she texts me first. So that she doesn't feel the need to respond or the guilt of ignoring me. I must say, she has texted me on her on accord every day. Things like "I hope you had a good day" or "Miss you". It's not much, but it shows me that she still thinks of me even if I don't text her first and that alone, makes me feel good. Whenever I then reply with a question though, it gets ignored and the next day she will send another unrelated message. But at least she shows me that she's thinking about me on a daily basis. As little as it may be.

I've been trying to distract myself by going to see friends or playing games on my own to try and set my mind on something else for a moment. Thinking about her started to feel like an obsession, which is never good. Having other people around me and talking about it really helps.

You're such a google friend, she must be happy to have you around.
Didn't interpret too much into it. I know the phases of needing space very good.
Don't rush her

Thanks. I've really been doing my absolute best to educate myself on the topics so I know what I can expect and how to be there for her. I hope it's all going to be worth it in the end though :P

Hell @UrDutchFriend,

I'm sorry to hear of the struggle you are experiencing. It must be very challenging (and exhausting!) attempting to be in a meaningful relationship with someone with PTSD. I know that I have C-PTSD, and I find it hard enough to be in a relationship with my own self!

That sounds funny, and it is. I have to find ways to make myself laugh at myself or life could become simply unbearable. The jokes with an element of truth in them are the most funny.

There's no way I could tell a person how to be in a relationship with me. But I do know what survival looks like for me. Many people call it life, but for me, since my trauma, it's not life, it is survival.

Maybe knowing how I survive day to day would help someone know how to relate to me?

One day at a time.

Yesterday was a great day and I was prince charming. I seemed perfectly "normal." But I'm not, I have PTSD.

One day at a time.

Today I'm a nervous wreck, can't think straight, can't be around anyone, and don't know if it's a good idea for anyone to be near me.

One day at a time.

Tomorrow I may or may not call you. For a week. Maybe two. I'm white-knuckling my way through each day just to be able to get through the day to escape into sleep.

One day at a time.

A week later, wow! I'm feeling "normal" again. Are the people who've stayed in my life this far tired of me yet? I'll give them a call and see.

One day at a time.

I know people get tired of hearing, one day at a time. But it's the only way I can live. I'm like the daily surprise lottery. I never know what I'm going to get. It's maddening for me, it's got to be doubly maddening for you!

One day at a time.

I hope this is helpful.

Woodsy1

Thank you for sharing your experience with trauma Woodsy. It really helps me to understand what someone with PTSD might be going through. I really hope that she sees and remembers how I've been there for her in a time of need and how I keep trying to understand and be there for her when, if and how I can. If you don't mind me asking: She tells me that things like having her weekly 1-hour visit by her psychiatrist or things like going out to drink a cup of coffee with a friend can really overstimulate her and that things like going to visit her parents for the weekend could mean that she needs like a week to "recover". Can you relate to that? Mostly I hear it's a day to day thing, like you said. Has it ever taken you weeks to feel comfortable enough to see someone that's emotionally close to you again?
 

woodsy1

MyPTSD Pro
If you don't mind me asking: She tells me that things like having her weekly 1-hour visit by her psychiatrist or things like going out to drink a cup of coffee with a friend can really overstimulate her and that things like going to visit her parents for the weekend could mean that she needs like a week to "recover". Can you relate to that? Mostly I hear it's a day to day thing, like you said. Has it ever taken you weeks to feel comfortable enough to see someone that's emotionally close to you again?
Precisely! And the avoidance reaction might be worse this week, less next month, then worse than ever the next day.

There are so many variables. What is my current condition (which changes daily, sometimes even hourly)? What was the trigger? How did intimate interaction relate with the trigger? Am I currently hopeful to be able to have something of a normal life? Do I currently feel I need to protect from myself this dear person who is putting up with me? Aren't they worth better? Maybe the best thing for them is for me to pull away? What do I need? Do I even know? I love them, but...I want them, but....Why does it have to be so damn hard?!?

Breath.

One day at a time, Woodsy.

One day at a time.

Ugh!
 
Precisely! And the avoidance reaction might be worse this week, less next month, then worse than ever the next day.

There are so many variables. What is my current condition (which changes daily, sometimes even hourly)? What was the trigger? How did intimate interaction relate with the trigger? Am I currently hopeful to be able to have something of a normal life? Do I currently feel I need to protect from myself this dear person who is putting up with me? Aren't they worth better? Maybe the best thing for them is for me to pull away? What do I need? Do I even know? I love them, but...I want them, but....Why does it have to be so damn hard?!?

Breath.

One day at a time, Woodsy.

One day at a time.

Ugh!

I'm sorry that's something you have to go through each day. It sounds really hard. Sounds to me like that makes planning things ahead of time really hard since you never know how you're going to feel that day. I noticed that when I ask her on let's say monday or tuesday wetter I'll be able to see her on thursday, I usually don't get a clear answer untill like wednesday evening. I just now came to the conslusion that it might be because she has to "wait and see" how she feels at that point in time to know wetter she'll be able to deal with me visiting her.
"Maybe the best thing for them is for me to pull away" sounds a bit scary to me. Someone might feel like they're not good enough or not deserving of someone's love and attention, but that should be up to the other person to decide. She already told me once that she thought I needed someone who gave me as much confirmation and attention as I do to her. I hope her own fear of being unworthy or not being good enough isn't what's going to keep her away from accepting the love of a person that chooses to be with her and is willing to deal with her problems.

I guess we'll just have to wait and see. All I can do is keep showing that I care about her and that I'm trying to understand.
 

woodsy1

MyPTSD Pro
I'm sorry that's something you have to go through each day. It sounds really hard.
Thank you for your empathy. It is hard. It's even harder expecting someone to have to go through it with me. That's a long hard road to go down.
Sounds to me like that makes planning things ahead of time really hard since you never know how you're going to feel that day.
Exactly! You seem to be understanding what I'm saying.
I noticed that when I ask her on let's say monday or tuesday wetter I'll be able to see her on thursday, I usually don't get a clear answer untill like wednesday evening. I just now came to the conslusion that it might be because she has to "wait and see" how she feels at that point in time to know wetter she'll be able to deal with me visiting her.
This is it precisely, or at least a big part of it. It's never really that cut n dry in life, is it? But yes, this is a daily or moment by moment state of affairs for me.
"Maybe the best thing for them is for me to pull away" sounds a bit scary to me.
It probably does sound scary. I have affectionately dubbed it Spidey Syndrome. Peter Parker loves M.J. But because of his "condition" of becoming Spiderman, he cannot be with her. Peter's condition mandates that he must protect M.J., in essence from loving him.

That's the feeling of the experience. Of course, as you bring up next, there is more involved, right? What does M.J. get to feel and say in all of this? What choices she makes lead to what outcomes? And so much more....

It's life. It's messy.
Someone might feel like they're not good enough or not deserving of someone's love and attention, but that should be up to the other person to decide. She already told me once that she thought I needed someone who gave me as much confirmation and attention as I do to her. I hope her own fear of being unworthy or not being good enough isn't what's going to keep her away from accepting the love of a person that chooses to be with her and is willing to deal with her problems.
This is something only time will tell, I think. It's hard to know.
I guess we'll just have to wait and see. All I can do is keep showing that I care about her and that I'm trying to understand.
And that's the key! What more can any of us do than to keep showing the people we care about how much we care about them and that we're doing our best to understand? Maybe empathize even if we don't understand?

I'm glad we're chatting. I've enjoyed our conversation. I hope there's been some benefit for you in it all.

Woodsy1
 
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