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Recovering from the emotional and physical storm: What helps you?

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Hey, I'm new here. I've been thinking of starting therapy again, but until I can afford it I thought I'd give this a try. Support groups aren't very close to my area, and I could definitely use some support.

A little background on me: I've experienced quite a bit of trauma. Physical/emotional abuse growing up. I suspect I experienced some sort of sexual abuse as a child, though I don't have any solid memory of it. Stalked by a pedophile when I was 10. Dad attempted suicide when I was 14 and completed suicide when I was 21. I used to struggle with self-harm and addiction. I attempted suicide twice, the second time led to treatment in rehab and outpatient. Diagnosed: Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, and Substance Use Disorder.

I've since completed all treatment programs and have been sober for over a year now. I haven't self-harmed in nearly 3 years. I've really been lucky because I've been able to come to terms with the majority of my trauma and live a healthy life. However, I do have times where my PTSD symptoms seem to return. Last night was one of those times. I was watching a TV show with my husband when in the scene one of the characters flashed back to his sexual abuse experience. This triggered me. I've been tense, jumpy, and emotional ever since. I've had several mini breakdowns; just crying, shaking, overwhelmed with emotion to where it is physically agonizing. I'm exhausted. My husband is supportive and is willing to listen if I want to talk about it, but I just can't seem to talk about it with him. Addressing my sexual trauma with anyone is nearly impossible: 1. because with emotions this strong it's almost paralyzing and i'm really good at dissociating to avoid them, and 2. I feel like I can't talk about it because I don't remember what may have happened when I was a kid. There are other experiences when I was older that could technically qualify as "sexual abuse" but I feel bad labeling them as "sexual abuse" because to me they "weren't that bad". I tried talking about it in therapy before, even tried EMDR, but didn't seem to get very far. I concluded that I'll probably have to deal with these less frequent but still nerve-racking episodes for the rest of my life. Now I'm looking for hope that maybe I was wrong, or at least they can be minimized.

Anyway, I'd like to get some feedback.
First: What works for you? What helps you get back to "normal" after you get triggered?
Second: Have you experienced the "I suspect this happened but I don't really remember it"? How did you face that?
Third: I welcome any other advice or support you might have. For the moment I really could use some support, but as I get back on my feet I definitely could use some direction from those of you who have "been there before me."
 
When I’m triggered it more often than not starts a crying episode that tends to be cathartic. I know that the experts recommend fighting these emotional flashbacks but I find that if I don’t get the feelings out, if I don’t give myself that emotional release, it just festers and comes out sideways later on, oftentimes much worse. I guess what I’m trying to say is to allow yourself to get those emotions out.

Keeping myself busy/distracted also helps as it’s better than holing myself up in my bedroom to sleep.

I also make sure I get enough sleep, eat well, and stay active.

I tend to agree with you on the stance that this may indeed be a “for life” thing where I have to always deal with these episodes on some level, but that doesn’t make me stop trying to lessen their severity.

:hug:
 
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