SidharthaBze
New Here
So I've had reccurent dreams over the years. These particular recurrent dreams are of my negligent father. The circumstances, events and sequences of these dreams vary, from time to time. But a recurrent thread/theme in these dreams exist.
This recurrent theme can best be described as: -as if my father is able to usurp my body (subconscious mind) during a dream sequence. - I would be in the middle of a dream sequence, interacting with others when suddenly a ghost or spirit would pop out from inside me. Only to realize that this emerged "spirit" was not my reflection in a mirror, but the image of my father standing in my shadow or walking in my shoes. -other sequences find my father "acting" out his imagination, engaging in armed conflicts, warfare or religious/political conflicts. But instead of fighting these conflicts himself. He usurps my identity, in my dreams, to try and manipulate my spirit into fighting these conflicts on his behalf.
Now father was not abusive sexually or physically when I was growing up. But he was negligent in his duty, to raise me properly. He never taught me the truth about his religious practice or of his political convictions or his cultural tastes. I stumbled into my identity over several decades of persistent trials and errors.
Today these tendencies in my dream sequence are not as prevalent as once before. These days, I experience a little dissociation with residual effects of paranoia and social anxiety. I believe a little self- awareness and actualization of the conscious mind in the present with a little reflection on past experience is healthy, every once in awhile?
For the last six months, I have been bombarded with questions about the nature and character of God. To which, I have no appropriate response. Questions of this nature are better suited for a theologian or priests. Of which, I don't qualify. In my early youth (I must confess) I struggled during my discernment between Islam and Christianity. Noted: I didn't find any answers to that question back them, much less now. I only found ways to reconcile my past to find some measure of peace in the present. However, for the last six months; it is as if my DNA sequence was being split at the atomic level. It is as if any and every indigenous ancestral claim is at war inside me. The black is it at war with the white and Latino aspects of my personality over ownership of what rightfully belongs to God.
So naturally the question over the nature and character of God arises again. To which, I don't have an answer. Description: -its as if the Black Nationalists think (for no good reason) that I have sided with the White Supremisst's who inturn (unjustifiable) believe that I "belong" to the Chinese Maffia. Who wrongfuuly think I am Muslim; who often mistake me with Jewish Heritage. Sadly, none of these experiences come close to describing my journey of reconciliation and peace with my past.
Again, this feels like another vain attempt by my father to convince me that: 1. He can hijack my dreams in a moment's notice, without my permission. 2. In so doing, he can coherce me to engage in his political/spiritual battles/conflicts whenever he feels like it. 3. I am worthless and of no value or self-worth, if I refuse to accept the first two assumptions to be true.
At this point, none of these three premisses hold any truth or claim any value to me. I only choose to focus on the positive, healing aspects of peace and reconciliation. So I do not take any responsibility for my father's wanton and deliberate neglect of my academic/spiritual development/educational formation. My identity is my own and cannot be claimed or "possessed" by any alien entity. Such hallucinations are not real nor relivant to my effort to strive for peace and reconciliation within.
To conclude, I am not responsible for people's misguided assumptions about me. I don't condone or take responsibility for my father's life choices and political mistakes/conflicts or his willful and deliberate, delinquent neglect of my education. So any perceptions of dissociation or incongruity is a "their" problem, not a "my" problem. Life goes on with or without me. So I choose to live in the present with a focus on positive life-affirming actions, emotions, events and perspectives.
I pray this messages reaches anyone facing similar challenges of Bad Dreams, Dissociation, Co-dependency, Berivement or Depression. I pray you find strength and conviction to be honest and true to your most loving self and your life experiences. That this truth guide you to forgiveness, reconciliation and peace within. And that this light and saving grace guide you all the days of your life. RIP Delinquent Father. From: @SidharthaBze .
This recurrent theme can best be described as: -as if my father is able to usurp my body (subconscious mind) during a dream sequence. - I would be in the middle of a dream sequence, interacting with others when suddenly a ghost or spirit would pop out from inside me. Only to realize that this emerged "spirit" was not my reflection in a mirror, but the image of my father standing in my shadow or walking in my shoes. -other sequences find my father "acting" out his imagination, engaging in armed conflicts, warfare or religious/political conflicts. But instead of fighting these conflicts himself. He usurps my identity, in my dreams, to try and manipulate my spirit into fighting these conflicts on his behalf.
Now father was not abusive sexually or physically when I was growing up. But he was negligent in his duty, to raise me properly. He never taught me the truth about his religious practice or of his political convictions or his cultural tastes. I stumbled into my identity over several decades of persistent trials and errors.
Today these tendencies in my dream sequence are not as prevalent as once before. These days, I experience a little dissociation with residual effects of paranoia and social anxiety. I believe a little self- awareness and actualization of the conscious mind in the present with a little reflection on past experience is healthy, every once in awhile?
For the last six months, I have been bombarded with questions about the nature and character of God. To which, I have no appropriate response. Questions of this nature are better suited for a theologian or priests. Of which, I don't qualify. In my early youth (I must confess) I struggled during my discernment between Islam and Christianity. Noted: I didn't find any answers to that question back them, much less now. I only found ways to reconcile my past to find some measure of peace in the present. However, for the last six months; it is as if my DNA sequence was being split at the atomic level. It is as if any and every indigenous ancestral claim is at war inside me. The black is it at war with the white and Latino aspects of my personality over ownership of what rightfully belongs to God.
So naturally the question over the nature and character of God arises again. To which, I don't have an answer. Description: -its as if the Black Nationalists think (for no good reason) that I have sided with the White Supremisst's who inturn (unjustifiable) believe that I "belong" to the Chinese Maffia. Who wrongfuuly think I am Muslim; who often mistake me with Jewish Heritage. Sadly, none of these experiences come close to describing my journey of reconciliation and peace with my past.
Again, this feels like another vain attempt by my father to convince me that: 1. He can hijack my dreams in a moment's notice, without my permission. 2. In so doing, he can coherce me to engage in his political/spiritual battles/conflicts whenever he feels like it. 3. I am worthless and of no value or self-worth, if I refuse to accept the first two assumptions to be true.
At this point, none of these three premisses hold any truth or claim any value to me. I only choose to focus on the positive, healing aspects of peace and reconciliation. So I do not take any responsibility for my father's wanton and deliberate neglect of my academic/spiritual development/educational formation. My identity is my own and cannot be claimed or "possessed" by any alien entity. Such hallucinations are not real nor relivant to my effort to strive for peace and reconciliation within.
To conclude, I am not responsible for people's misguided assumptions about me. I don't condone or take responsibility for my father's life choices and political mistakes/conflicts or his willful and deliberate, delinquent neglect of my education. So any perceptions of dissociation or incongruity is a "their" problem, not a "my" problem. Life goes on with or without me. So I choose to live in the present with a focus on positive life-affirming actions, emotions, events and perspectives.
I pray this messages reaches anyone facing similar challenges of Bad Dreams, Dissociation, Co-dependency, Berivement or Depression. I pray you find strength and conviction to be honest and true to your most loving self and your life experiences. That this truth guide you to forgiveness, reconciliation and peace within. And that this light and saving grace guide you all the days of your life. RIP Delinquent Father. From: @SidharthaBze .
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