Reenactment in therapy


Policy Enforcement
Thank you @Ellierose2x you are kind. Though I feel embarrassed to be such a screw up, tbh. The only one more disgusted with not getting over this is actually me.

I want to thank you @Movingforward10 for this thread. I realize I have been operating like a trauma reenactment myself, feeling worried for and reaching out to others that don't want my care or me around, and yet still feeling that I care- just like my family. And then realizing they don't, and feeling ashamed that I do, again just like my FOO. But also realizing, though feeling shame is my responsibility, probably 24/25 people also would. But also, 24/25 people would also then feel angry.

But I have caused pain too. So have others to me. I should have never forgiven or put myself in their lives or allowed them in mine.

When we got our abused dog they said it was unbelievable how she continued to trust after what she'd been through. Eventually she got people who accepted her as is, and didn't find that wrong or anything but worth it, and worth the investment. Maybe one day I will, we will, too. In therapy and even with our wounds and imperfections.
you shouldn't feel embarrassed, we all mess up in life and that's why we're here to support you as we care about you. how are you today? hugs


So this is where I am at with it now (other than going round in circles):
I was triggered back into this state of dispair when this particular assault came up in therapy. We were doing a visualisation exercise about visiting my parents, as I'm preparing to do that but was worried about it. Anyway, unexpectedly, in that exercise, this event came up that I link to the doorstep of my parent's home. I had never spoken about this assault before, so T didn't know about it.
Anyway, that then made me be in this state, that I suppose I must have been in at the time. But disassociated and usual "nothing happened" response that I did back then.
And this level of dispair has been intense and out of the blue.
And I think my transference with her has turned negative. And she is being drawn into that. She feels she is working so hard to get me out of this level of dispair. And maybe I'm experiencing her frustrations that her interventions haven't worked as anger that I am in this state and I shouldn't be, and I shut down.

I need to remember that all her interventions have come from a place of understanding and healing. And it doesn't make sense that she would suddenly turn into this person who doesn't want to hear me and can't bear my emotions. Although I do think there is something about her that is being brought into this.

So I need to step out of this. And come at it from a different angle that allows me to explore it. But somehow do that in a way that isn't me shutting down, feeling distrust with her and being suspicious that she can't cope with me. Not sure I have worked that bit out as my barriers are all up, am defensive and in protect myself from harm mode.
Thank you @Ellierose2x . 🤗 Well I realize I couldn't choose where to be born and they didn't choose me, either, they were stuck. I think I shouldn't have worked so hard on not ghosting, seems to would have been a better choice, all around. I do know I care less about being liked than not being hated, because the 1st presumes relationship and the 2nd just wants ending on positive or neutral terms. And it's always free choice for someone to want you around or not, I respect that and am hypersensitive to forcing someone to tolerate it. I will say I've given up, and packed away all attempts to learn how to be a better communicator and listener, and apologies. I did the best I could but it always takes two.

You work hard @Movingforward10 , I am sure you will make the right decision. Hope you can feel hope. Hope you can speak up if you desire. 🤗
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Thanks all for responding. I think I am coming out the other side of this now.
Emailed T on Monday about the negative transference and reenactment and got across how I experienced things. And she responded all positively. And we had a session on Thursday where I got to ask questions (not all the questions I wanted, as I forgot some) and explore with her what she was meaning and how I understodd things. So we're back to working towards building this relationship back up.
I feel a bit wary still, but I am sure that will go.

This relationship with T sure stirs up a lot of primal pain.

But thank you for helping me explore it and see things from different angles. As always, your insights are so appreciated.
@Movingforward10 hope this makes sense, am rushing.

I realized minutes ago, that today (tomorrow, a few days) is/ was a really chilling anniversary for me. However, I am amazed I didn't think of it once. Wow. I think a lot of this is within context, and we (I) miss the context. And all the while, what's playing in the background makes a big impression.

On another thread I posted an article that popped up on trust, which is shocking I even saw it as I have like ~270 unopened e-mails. It had all different things that make it (trust, trustworthiness) up. It helps me a lot because 1st of all it's not down to one pinpointed thing. It could (should, if you ask me) be viewed over (much) time. But even more so, because it's true, or more accurate, or in context, it seems more ~normal? It doesn't focus on one thing, or one moment in time without history.

I overheard (unrelated to me) someone say this today, which gave me pause: "Did he help you or hurt you? Did his words bring you comfort? " And hence context comes in to play. It is bigger, or wider, or larger, than a single event, or a a trigger. I think re-enactment comes from joining too many separated dots and the brain/ amygdala saying here we go again. But in reality, we don't. Unless we buy in and react or pursue that mindset.

I do think trust is something that in our case has to be a bit blind (I mean, if we can remember what makes it warranted, or at least if we can't remember specifics atm that it 'is' warranted), because the alternative can be the opposite, more so than average. It's a fearfulness no one should have to live with. Yet of course fear-inducing to imagine it could be ok, with our histories. And to remember our memories (I mean good ones). Otherwise, at least for me, I think it just causes harm. To myself but also to others. Because there is context, which can't be recalled when in it, a bigger picture. (It's rarely even 2021, in my unintended re-enactments, the past is like yesterday, or last week).

Hope that makes sense.

Best wishes to you. 🤗
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Thanks @Rosebud , that makes sense.
And I realised that around about now is the anniversary of a particular rape. A rape in the same body part as an assault that came up in therapy a few weeks ago and set me on this trail of reenactment. So maybe the context is everything is tied up.

And that question "did he help you or hurt you?". Wow. That's a good question to use as a marker and to set context. Thank you for that.
I realized something yesterday morning @Movingforward10 . I was shovelling in the morning, and I remembered how (with palliative relatives) you always had to keep it shovelled out immediately, in case you had to (try to) get them out quick. But it was a memory- a reality as it were. An understanding of what others also too have to be contending with currently. As well as an awareness many if not most people do not have that connotation or had to live that lesson, or would think that's what I'm thinking of, or reminded of. shovelling. It was easy to feel how it felt, and also to know atm it didn't apply.

It, and other stuff, reminded me that not everything is a re-enactment, it's just familiar, a repeat of situation or realities. How does one unlearn knowledge? And shouldn't one have more simply by exposure and living, the older we get? Of course however you will feel the way you do.

(Don't know if that's your experience or helpful at all. Hope you're doing well. 🤗)
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Thanks @Rosebud , I hear what you're saying. And I think my T was saying a similar thing when we came out of the reenactment. Familiarity.
And I also re read your previous post about context. And how everything links or , consciously or otherwise.

Am doing well. In the opposite phase now with my T and feeling the love there.

Hope you are doing ok.


So, back in the land of reenactments and ruptures. 😞😞😞😞

Again, it's another anniversary period. I have been low for weeks, and was coming out of it.
Emailing T between sessions, once a week for the last 3 weeks. This is way more than usual. Last lot of emailing was really during the events of this previous thread (other than rearranging sessions).
Anyway, this rupture and reenactment is about emailing.
Wondering actually if I should start a new thread.
Or what?
Suppose I just frigging totally and utterly hate these stupid reenactments and ruptures.
I honestly don't see the healing out of it. I don't see that they are necessary parts of therapy. But I do see them as reasons for therapists to blame us for their mistakes.
Just low and angry.