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Regret disclosing abusive past

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Blondutch

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Anyone here who has experience with the regret and confusion as a consequence of disclosure?

After hiding my entire life, I disclosed my past (human trafficking & yrs of abuse) to my partner of 10 years. He now better understands my panics, behaviours (during sex) and this has left him uncertain, apprehensive, guilty and feeling as if being a rapist.

He since says a sexual relationship with me doesn't feel right instead he wants to care, nurture, talk and listen but as a "sibbling" rather than a partner.

I want an authentic relationship with him as my partner not as a sibbling. I regret my disclosure, simultaneously I am confused tirn between feeling rejected whilst being better cared for and listen to.
 
Lots of regret for disclosing things here for many reasons. No wisdom I’m afraid but I hear you.

Are you in therapy? Maybe he needs some therapy himself to process it and how your relationship isn’t connected to the past. Or maybe some couples therapy together.

Long term, disclosing should be a good thing so I hope you can get past the regret. Your past doesn’t define you and doesn’t have to define your relationship.

Peaceful thoughts to you @Blondutch
 
He since says a sexual relationship with me doesn't feel right instead he wants to care, nurture, talk and listen but as a "sibbling" rather than a partner.

^Two ideas.. How long ago did you disclose your trauma to him? If it's only recent then he may need some time to process. But he could also benefit from some counselling about how he's your partner not your therapist - that might help him.
 
Agree hard on roles boundaries...

Even therapeutically trained partners *cannot* and should not assume a role of a therapist in the relationship.

As to regrets - I would give it time. And work out feelings around that, in therapy.

As one can also view being able to disclose as many healthy things, and healing, and a show of deep trust. Which, no, are not things to regret - even if the situation doesn't work out.
 
It sounds like he cares about you and doesn't want to do anything that makes it worse for you

Sounds like good communication and time might help you both?

I hope you don't regret telling him. It sounds like he is trying to understand you, and you are trying to understand him.

Would couples therapy be something that might help?
 
Regrets? For sure.

However? Unless you married/ partnered up with a robot ?... It’s both totally natural/normal for your partner to not respond perfectly/ have emotional reactions of their own/ need some time to process ...AND... for there to need to be a continuing & evolving conversation as the 2 of you iron out some new wrinkles in your relationship. I think of it as showing compassion for someone I’ve just dropped a bomb on ;) That there’s likely to be some reeling, some staggering, and some lurching about... before they get their balance back, and their feet back under them.

^^^I don’t always have the headspace for that. It can be too hard to manage my own emotions around a situation, much less even allow someone else the space for their own emotions, and fo’geddabout!!! helping them through it.

That’s one of those times when either luck or couples therapy comes in wicked handy.

I don’t like to depend on luck / find the less I depend on it, the more I have :sneaky: Which makes having that neutral 3rd party who can help guide those conversations, help us reach a working understanding, is invaluable. <<< I didn’t have a pro (therapist) to do that in my early years... I had friends who’d already lived through both sides of that equation, instead. A different kind of luck. So it was with increasing horror/dismay years LATER that I found myself without friends to fill that role / bridge that gap. It took a bit of prodding, finding myself in a therapy-culture, instead of a been-there-done-that culture, to reach towards a trained professional instead of experienced friends. But it was worth it. Very, very worth it.
 
We all want to be loved and accepted for ALL of who we are, the good/bad/ugly. So I think it's great that you told your partner about the REAL you. It's his choice what he'll do with that information, and based on what you posted, it sounds like he really cares and wants to do the right thing by you. Like others said, perhaps it's just taking time for him to process all this. But if he can't move out of the sibling role, it's time to pursue counseling. He might have no idea how to be in a romantic relationship with you after what you told him, and he'll need help to work this out. And counseling will help you, too, because you went through a whole lot, and healing from all that can take some deep digging. And If he's unwilling to move out of the sibling role, then it's time to rethink your relationship. Being cared for and listened to are great aspects to a relationship, but that's what friends are for (or counselors). You want more. If he's unable to be the partner you want him to be, you either need to choose to accept that it'll always be more like a friendship, or move on.
 
I agree with earlier comments: give your partner time, for him this "discovery" is a traumatic event in itself and he needs time to process. Put yourself in his place, all that time he thought you were in place "a" and he suddenly discovers that you're wayyyyy over there in place "x", he's suddenly looking at you with new eyes.

But the good news I think it that this kind of reaction proves one thing: he cares a lot about you and that's a good sign in my opinion for the future. Maybe with a little outside help as mentioned by others (maybe it won't prove necessary) it hopefully will end up being an improved and deeper relationship.

Just give him time first and be a bit patient if you can.
 
Hi @Blondutch, I've just read everyone else's comments and I completely agree with them. First off- sorry for your trauma and the reasons your here but glad you found us and second - it sounds like this person really cares about you and maybe his response was actually perfect. People need time to process information especially with subjects like trauma. Try to give him time. You may want him to be your partner but what you need is a good compassionate friend and you've found one! Like everyone else said, give the situation time and see how it is then. All the best to you S3 ?
 
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