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Regret disclosing abusive past

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TLDR: Basically, I have been really selective in who I told anything, gave bits & pieces at a time, and overall it's been worth the "holy shit what have I done?!" and sometimes panic reactions each time. I do not like that the personal info is out there, but I do value the effects it's had on those relationships after all (understanding, no 20 questions).

And I feel less shitty as a person since I'm not forcing people to deal with my crappy memory, unexplained shitty flakiness, secrecy, snapping, control-freak crap (and yes, I do my best to curb that but sometimes I just can't anymore).
Caveats:
- I would NEVER tell work people or anyone even remotely medical without damn good reason & without a LOT of evidence the individuals told would keep their traps shut about it.
- And I have lucked out & not had anyone tell me to STFU or otherwise insisted I am flat wrong. I imagine that would shut me up about this for good.

Longer version (your mileage may vary):
I go back and forth on regretting/kicking myself for talking, and also being glad I did, even with the same "recipient" of the info.

About 6-7 years ago things got to where I basically had to tell my spouse because otherwise it was like I was expecting Spouse to just deal with defensive, hostile, secretive and generally weird overreactions to some common innocuous things (not so much at Spouse but I know Spouse was confused, surprised, sometimes thought I was pissed off at him and that's not fair).
In those convos it also clicked for him that I assumed he was similarly haunted by a certain thing from his past & I was floored to learn that no, he did have memories of his shitty stuff, but he was not affected like this and I had been trying to shield him from exposure to some things he isn't all that fazed by.

Our communication as partners improved a ton. I realize this will not be true for everyone but it totally CAN happen.

Every single time I have talked I have almost immediately wished I could take it back, wipe their memories, because it feels like giving up ammunition for later blackmail, advantage-taking, etc. Like i am giving them the upper hand & it'll bite me in the ass. This is especially nervewracking if it's a "have to tell" because of something happening right now rather than "came up naturally and it's a normalish convo" situation.

Plus, when the hearer gets THAT something was upsetting but doesn't get WHY, HOW MUCH, or the fact that it can still pop up uncontrollably and feel very current...I regret because then it's like "do i try to explain those or just drop it?" Usually I drop it and they are left thinking (I believe) that I'm overblowing it, misremembering, or whatever.

And I worry that, as with your partner, it will make them treat me differently in a way i don't like "for my own good," for their comfort, or for a reason they never state.

BUT THEN...after nothing horrible comes of it, because the hearers have so far not turned out to be jerks: I usually find that I no longer regret it because
1. This is how I learned that some of my Events were really not normal at all.
2. This is also how I learned that some of the lingering effects are more (or sometimes less) obvious to others than I feel like they "must" be.
3. I don't have to expend as much energy "passing" as normal to avoid being "discovered." This has been HUGE.
It's much easier to suck it up and get going when you don't literally have to police everything, analyze every reaction because now you have the option of taking it a little easier or pushing on. (I usually push on.)
4. I have noticed my memory's usually better & I have less frequent physical pain from bodily tension. I have lightened up somewhat. I've gotten better at being assertive instead of hostile, defensive, or aggressive, which had become a work issue. I attribute much of this this to #3.
5. In general my confidence is more genuine and less "fake it til you make it". I attribute that to #3 and to being treated as a responsible adult by my hearers & getting confirmation that way that whoah, I'm competent after all!
6. If it comes back up again I don't have to explain from square one
7. The few hearers I've told are usually more understanding of "Sorry, but can you handle XYZ? it's a bit close to home. I'll take ABC off your plate in exchange if you want." (work example) or "I need to get out of here/don't want to go there/do that/would rather not watch that" (Spouse example) and i don't have to justify it a ton.
8. I find that I am not as reactive. Few times a year vs. damn near daily & shorter, with much less impact usually. I know that's more due to me processing my crap, not just telling about it, but I think it was a significant factor in getting to this point.

Offline I've only told
- 1 therapist.
Who I knew from way before, saw again when SHTF in secret twice & went in planning to just grill for information instead of get actual counseling. This was waaaaay after my Events, when things got so bad i was considering divorcing & then ghosting Spouse and then offing myself in a way that would look accidental so he'd get reimbursement that I felt would make up for living so long with a nutjob. I am NOT remotely in that situation today, thank goodness.

- 2 coworkers I'd known & become friends with by then
Only because we were the management team and I had to keep removing self from situations & getting migraines, and then we got a new coworker (not close but he'd involve himself in our stuff) that I had a really unexpected reaction to (this was before I really understood why) and it got worse.

- 3 other friends (separately & at different times), and the spouse of one of them (not voluntarily).
I only regret the spouse knowing, and that's because he turned out to be an abuser of the friend and I was on his shitlist for a good while as I was helping Friend. He tried to "expose my past" to my Spouse, but hah! you can't really blackmail or ruin me with that when Spouse already knows and has come to terms with it so there! And since he's easy to prove an unreliable "teller" I don't really worry he would be able to torpedo my professional or personal reputation. Anyone who'd take him seriously is hugely lacking in the judgment dept & is not someone I would want to work with, work for, or have in my life. (He's on the wrong side of law enforcement so can't sic the cops on anyone either.)

- my sibling.
He has a very different take on it & we don't see eye to eye but it means he isn't shocked when I am lukewarm about some things. And he's not a dick about it.
 
Thanks for your encouraging words and thoughts. I'm working through the struggles and frustrations with professional support.

My psych keeps reminding me that I/it will get better, and that it is very complex. Patience seems to be the magic word. My hope is that I can hold on to that.
 
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