Well it's been a fair while since I've been here I'm afraid. I've been good. Really good. I've had counselling and I've had some great EMDR which has helped me tremendously. I've been coping with day to day life quite well really.
But I'm having a relapse at the moment. I'm signed off work for a month with "stress" which is really just a nice way of saying depression without having to let work know exactly how bad things are right now. I don't think even the doctor knows that depression isn't even the tip of the iceberg actually. I don't think I'll be going back after 1 month though. I maybe could have managed with just a month off if I hadn't tried to struggle through on my own without support for so long but that's just what I do. I don't like to make life easy for myself. Possibly a form of self punishment? I also don't like taking time off work because work helps to keep my head occupied and to distract me from things, but right now work is one of the contributing factors to my "stress". So why the relapse? Well there's a LOT going on for me:
1) A few years ago I went to the police and reported the rape. They did nothing, were unsympathetic, asked me if I knew how serious a claim I was making (well yeah duhhhhhh), muttered outside the interview room door that all I wanted was "to have my story heard", told me they would look into it and get back to me and never did and then when i finally plucked up enough courage to ring up to ask how things were going with the investigation I was told they didn't know why I was ringing as there was nothing they could do (although they hadn't been kind enough to inform me of this!) So I was left feeling totally unbelieved and totally let down because I didn't for one second believe that they had even tried to do their job. So about a year ago I found "him" on facebook. The name matches, the location matches. Just too much of a coincidence. I contacted the police with this new evidence and they are looking into it again. Except this time I am dealing with the "unity team" who are specialists in abuse and rape cases and I actually do fee that they are doing their best to help, even though things aren't looking that positive. So there has been a LOT of stress caused by all of this, coupled with the fact that I wont tell anyone about e dealing with the police because A) they think I' "over it", B) I don't want to worry them unless it is going to go to court (which is looking unlikely but we will see) C) I don't think some people (like hubby) will care and will just let me struggle on with no support which will actually hurt me more than not asking for the support in the first place and loads of other "minor" reasons too.
2) I hate work. I love teaching the "kids" but everything else about the job is just pure crap. They have gone from observing me once a year (full time workers it is 3 times a year but I only work a day and a half) to observing me once a year PLUS once or twice every half term as part of a "learning walk" (bollocks speak for "we're checking up on you because we're crapping ourselves because ofsted is on its way sometime soon"). This isn't because they think I'm a crap teacher though, they are treating every single teacher the same although not pro rata as part time staff get observed much more frequently if you take the observation / teaching time both into consideration. Then they are stepping up all the book scrutinies AND adding on even more admin work. I spent 7 hours planning once lesson for an observation and that's just ridiculous. I only teach 2 lessons in this school a week as the rest of the time I am contracted out to teach in a primary school (which I love to bits) so even in a long half term I get observed once or twice every 14 lessons. Full time members of staff get observed once or twice every 147 lessons. Hardly seems fair to me. But hey, I'm a payroll number not a person so...
3) At the end of last year I was pulled up for being late for work on a regular basis by our new department manager. Not something I've ever tried to hide and something that had not been a problem with my previous department manager for the previous 3 1/2 years. I am always 5 or 10 minutes late because I couldn't dtrop the kids of at breakfast club until 8.15 and it is at least a 20 minute drive to work (I start at 8.30) But it's not like it affects my teaching as I don't actually start teaching until 9am. I also give up an hour of my time after school to run an after school club but they say that that is completely voluntary so that "overtime" does not compensate them for my lateness in any way! They also let other members of staff leave work early to go pick their kids up from school. Fair??? Hmmmm Doesn't seem like it to me. Anyway, I had my performance management in October and I failed it because I was repeatedly late for work. This came as a shock to me because I had no recollection of the meeting about me being late at the end of the Summer term. I did eventually start to remember the meeting after about 4 days so I went to the doctors about my memory problems ad he said he thought it was caused by depression. No surprise for me there. I spoke to the unions and they said that work has gone about it in completely the wrong way as they should have given me something in writing to tell me that if it didn't improve it would affect my performance management. However it isn't work speaking up about because it will only lead to them taking me down the disciplinary route and I will then have to declare that when I apply for other jobs. At least this way, i won't have to tell future employers about it BUT it also prevents me from getting a pay rise for another two years, which is why the union think they have done it this way. Anyway, my mum has kindly stepped in and will look after the kids between 8 and 8.15 so problem basically sorted although it has left me with a bitter taste in my mouth at work.
3) Hubby is being a complete and utter *$%&!$&"£. He never says anything positive to me, he never shows me any affection unless he wants sex and whatever I do just isn't good enough. It has got to the point where, despite the fact that I'm desperate for another baby, I won't have sex with him until he starts showing me some affection and starts being a bit kinder to me and not taking me for granted. I gave him an example of what I meant... a kiss before he goes to work wouldn't go amiss. So he does that now, but nothing else. I'm not even sure he knows HOW to show affection anymore! Whenever he is negative to me or criticises me I just feel so worthless. Right now I speak to him as little as possible just so there's less chance of us arguing and him then criticising me even further.
4) I have been worried about having an early menopause as my grandma had hers early and it can be hereditary and my periods and hormones are all over the place. On Friday I got it confirmed by blood test that my hormones are fine and that I AM ovulating. So over the past few months this has been really getting me down, although I can now breathe a sigh of relief. I sooooo want a third child that the thought of definitely not being able to have any more would just be devastating. Yes, I know I'm lucky, I already have two but there is this gut feeling that I have to have 3. I even said to my friend that I wanted "my three to grow up knowing how important they are to me". She ;looked at me funny and then I realised I only have two... so far.
5) I have bee having major skin and eye problems which make the skin on my bottom eyelids look so wrinkled that they belong to a 90 year old not a 38 year old!!! I'm getting to the point where I am so embarrassed about ti that I feel I have to apologise to people for the way I look by saying something like "Sorry, I don't normally look like this, I just have an eye problem at the moment that is making me look this sore and wrinkled". I even feel awkward about just leaving the house in case people stare at me. Very soul and confidence destroying. I'm on meds for it despite the fact that I don't like to take meds of any kind (not even paracetamol) due to having been spiked but nothing seems to have worked yet.
6) I am desperate for a number three. Partly because I just have this feeling that I am going to have another but also because I feel I was bullied into having an unnecessary caesarean by a consultant. My first was a section for breech birth. I wanted a natural birth with my second but was told he would be 11 or 11 1/2 lbs and that they couldn't possibly be ore than a pound out. They were. He was 9lbs 11. I still wanted the natural birth but they scared me into a section by telling me all sorts of horrible stories. I know they had to give me that info but for it to have been informed consent they should also have given me both the positives AND negatives of BOTH section and natural birth. Instead all I got was the negatives of natural birth. I am much more informed for number three now (even though I'm not pregnant) though and I WON'T be bullied into anything
7) I am in desperate need of counselling. I won't take meds for the PTSD / depression and I know counselling works well for me. But the waiting list is loooooooooooong. Ive been on the waiting list for two places since November now and although I'm moving up the list it is NOW that I need the help. I just need some way to boost my abysmal self image. That would help sooooooooo much.
8) When I went to the doctors earlier this week I broke down and she asked me if I would ever harm either myself or the kids. I guess I know that's a standard thing to ask and of course the answer is "not in a million years". the kids mean too much to me for me to leave them and I wouldn't touch a hear on their heads. But now I am left wondering what will happen next. Will I get a knock on the door fro social services of something, just to check all is ok? Scary and unnecessary.
9) I wish I was a better mother. I shout at the kids when they don't behave and I just don't live up to my own extremely high expectations of being a good mum. I guess I'm lucky enough to have had the mot amazing mother but that has set my standards sky high. Double edged sword I guess.
10) This wintery weather and basically being in the UK at all is just so depressing and whilst its not a cause it most certainly is a contributing factor. Everything seems so hopeless right now and the weather is just adding to that. If I could take my mum I'd be on a flight to Australia or a deserted tropical island in the South Pacific first thing in the morning. Then things might actually start to see better.
Hmmm is there anything else? No, I think those are all the biggies anyway. Sorry that this has been such a long rambling, moaning post and thanks for reading and congratulations if you managed to get to the end without falling asleep lol. Not sure what I wanted to achieve by writing this post. Maybe just to let some of this out rather than keeping it all in and trying to cope all on my own like I've done for waaaaaaaaaaaay too long already. So sick of trying to be positive, trying to be strong for others, trying to keep up the pretense of "everything's fine".
But I'm having a relapse at the moment. I'm signed off work for a month with "stress" which is really just a nice way of saying depression without having to let work know exactly how bad things are right now. I don't think even the doctor knows that depression isn't even the tip of the iceberg actually. I don't think I'll be going back after 1 month though. I maybe could have managed with just a month off if I hadn't tried to struggle through on my own without support for so long but that's just what I do. I don't like to make life easy for myself. Possibly a form of self punishment? I also don't like taking time off work because work helps to keep my head occupied and to distract me from things, but right now work is one of the contributing factors to my "stress". So why the relapse? Well there's a LOT going on for me:
1) A few years ago I went to the police and reported the rape. They did nothing, were unsympathetic, asked me if I knew how serious a claim I was making (well yeah duhhhhhh), muttered outside the interview room door that all I wanted was "to have my story heard", told me they would look into it and get back to me and never did and then when i finally plucked up enough courage to ring up to ask how things were going with the investigation I was told they didn't know why I was ringing as there was nothing they could do (although they hadn't been kind enough to inform me of this!) So I was left feeling totally unbelieved and totally let down because I didn't for one second believe that they had even tried to do their job. So about a year ago I found "him" on facebook. The name matches, the location matches. Just too much of a coincidence. I contacted the police with this new evidence and they are looking into it again. Except this time I am dealing with the "unity team" who are specialists in abuse and rape cases and I actually do fee that they are doing their best to help, even though things aren't looking that positive. So there has been a LOT of stress caused by all of this, coupled with the fact that I wont tell anyone about e dealing with the police because A) they think I' "over it", B) I don't want to worry them unless it is going to go to court (which is looking unlikely but we will see) C) I don't think some people (like hubby) will care and will just let me struggle on with no support which will actually hurt me more than not asking for the support in the first place and loads of other "minor" reasons too.
2) I hate work. I love teaching the "kids" but everything else about the job is just pure crap. They have gone from observing me once a year (full time workers it is 3 times a year but I only work a day and a half) to observing me once a year PLUS once or twice every half term as part of a "learning walk" (bollocks speak for "we're checking up on you because we're crapping ourselves because ofsted is on its way sometime soon"). This isn't because they think I'm a crap teacher though, they are treating every single teacher the same although not pro rata as part time staff get observed much more frequently if you take the observation / teaching time both into consideration. Then they are stepping up all the book scrutinies AND adding on even more admin work. I spent 7 hours planning once lesson for an observation and that's just ridiculous. I only teach 2 lessons in this school a week as the rest of the time I am contracted out to teach in a primary school (which I love to bits) so even in a long half term I get observed once or twice every 14 lessons. Full time members of staff get observed once or twice every 147 lessons. Hardly seems fair to me. But hey, I'm a payroll number not a person so...
3) At the end of last year I was pulled up for being late for work on a regular basis by our new department manager. Not something I've ever tried to hide and something that had not been a problem with my previous department manager for the previous 3 1/2 years. I am always 5 or 10 minutes late because I couldn't dtrop the kids of at breakfast club until 8.15 and it is at least a 20 minute drive to work (I start at 8.30) But it's not like it affects my teaching as I don't actually start teaching until 9am. I also give up an hour of my time after school to run an after school club but they say that that is completely voluntary so that "overtime" does not compensate them for my lateness in any way! They also let other members of staff leave work early to go pick their kids up from school. Fair??? Hmmmm Doesn't seem like it to me. Anyway, I had my performance management in October and I failed it because I was repeatedly late for work. This came as a shock to me because I had no recollection of the meeting about me being late at the end of the Summer term. I did eventually start to remember the meeting after about 4 days so I went to the doctors about my memory problems ad he said he thought it was caused by depression. No surprise for me there. I spoke to the unions and they said that work has gone about it in completely the wrong way as they should have given me something in writing to tell me that if it didn't improve it would affect my performance management. However it isn't work speaking up about because it will only lead to them taking me down the disciplinary route and I will then have to declare that when I apply for other jobs. At least this way, i won't have to tell future employers about it BUT it also prevents me from getting a pay rise for another two years, which is why the union think they have done it this way. Anyway, my mum has kindly stepped in and will look after the kids between 8 and 8.15 so problem basically sorted although it has left me with a bitter taste in my mouth at work.
3) Hubby is being a complete and utter *$%&!$&"£. He never says anything positive to me, he never shows me any affection unless he wants sex and whatever I do just isn't good enough. It has got to the point where, despite the fact that I'm desperate for another baby, I won't have sex with him until he starts showing me some affection and starts being a bit kinder to me and not taking me for granted. I gave him an example of what I meant... a kiss before he goes to work wouldn't go amiss. So he does that now, but nothing else. I'm not even sure he knows HOW to show affection anymore! Whenever he is negative to me or criticises me I just feel so worthless. Right now I speak to him as little as possible just so there's less chance of us arguing and him then criticising me even further.
4) I have been worried about having an early menopause as my grandma had hers early and it can be hereditary and my periods and hormones are all over the place. On Friday I got it confirmed by blood test that my hormones are fine and that I AM ovulating. So over the past few months this has been really getting me down, although I can now breathe a sigh of relief. I sooooo want a third child that the thought of definitely not being able to have any more would just be devastating. Yes, I know I'm lucky, I already have two but there is this gut feeling that I have to have 3. I even said to my friend that I wanted "my three to grow up knowing how important they are to me". She ;looked at me funny and then I realised I only have two... so far.
5) I have bee having major skin and eye problems which make the skin on my bottom eyelids look so wrinkled that they belong to a 90 year old not a 38 year old!!! I'm getting to the point where I am so embarrassed about ti that I feel I have to apologise to people for the way I look by saying something like "Sorry, I don't normally look like this, I just have an eye problem at the moment that is making me look this sore and wrinkled". I even feel awkward about just leaving the house in case people stare at me. Very soul and confidence destroying. I'm on meds for it despite the fact that I don't like to take meds of any kind (not even paracetamol) due to having been spiked but nothing seems to have worked yet.
6) I am desperate for a number three. Partly because I just have this feeling that I am going to have another but also because I feel I was bullied into having an unnecessary caesarean by a consultant. My first was a section for breech birth. I wanted a natural birth with my second but was told he would be 11 or 11 1/2 lbs and that they couldn't possibly be ore than a pound out. They were. He was 9lbs 11. I still wanted the natural birth but they scared me into a section by telling me all sorts of horrible stories. I know they had to give me that info but for it to have been informed consent they should also have given me both the positives AND negatives of BOTH section and natural birth. Instead all I got was the negatives of natural birth. I am much more informed for number three now (even though I'm not pregnant) though and I WON'T be bullied into anything
7) I am in desperate need of counselling. I won't take meds for the PTSD / depression and I know counselling works well for me. But the waiting list is loooooooooooong. Ive been on the waiting list for two places since November now and although I'm moving up the list it is NOW that I need the help. I just need some way to boost my abysmal self image. That would help sooooooooo much.
8) When I went to the doctors earlier this week I broke down and she asked me if I would ever harm either myself or the kids. I guess I know that's a standard thing to ask and of course the answer is "not in a million years". the kids mean too much to me for me to leave them and I wouldn't touch a hear on their heads. But now I am left wondering what will happen next. Will I get a knock on the door fro social services of something, just to check all is ok? Scary and unnecessary.
9) I wish I was a better mother. I shout at the kids when they don't behave and I just don't live up to my own extremely high expectations of being a good mum. I guess I'm lucky enough to have had the mot amazing mother but that has set my standards sky high. Double edged sword I guess.
10) This wintery weather and basically being in the UK at all is just so depressing and whilst its not a cause it most certainly is a contributing factor. Everything seems so hopeless right now and the weather is just adding to that. If I could take my mum I'd be on a flight to Australia or a deserted tropical island in the South Pacific first thing in the morning. Then things might actually start to see better.
Hmmm is there anything else? No, I think those are all the biggies anyway. Sorry that this has been such a long rambling, moaning post and thanks for reading and congratulations if you managed to get to the end without falling asleep lol. Not sure what I wanted to achieve by writing this post. Maybe just to let some of this out rather than keeping it all in and trying to cope all on my own like I've done for waaaaaaaaaaaay too long already. So sick of trying to be positive, trying to be strong for others, trying to keep up the pretense of "everything's fine".