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Relapse - If You Are An Insomniac This Dissertation Might Help You Drop Off Lol

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Crusoe

MyPTSD Pro
Well it's been a fair while since I've been here I'm afraid. I've been good. Really good. I've had counselling and I've had some great EMDR which has helped me tremendously. I've been coping with day to day life quite well really.

But I'm having a relapse at the moment. I'm signed off work for a month with "stress" which is really just a nice way of saying depression without having to let work know exactly how bad things are right now. I don't think even the doctor knows that depression isn't even the tip of the iceberg actually. I don't think I'll be going back after 1 month though. I maybe could have managed with just a month off if I hadn't tried to struggle through on my own without support for so long but that's just what I do. I don't like to make life easy for myself. Possibly a form of self punishment? I also don't like taking time off work because work helps to keep my head occupied and to distract me from things, but right now work is one of the contributing factors to my "stress". So why the relapse? Well there's a LOT going on for me:

1) A few years ago I went to the police and reported the rape. They did nothing, were unsympathetic, asked me if I knew how serious a claim I was making (well yeah duhhhhhh), muttered outside the interview room door that all I wanted was "to have my story heard", told me they would look into it and get back to me and never did and then when i finally plucked up enough courage to ring up to ask how things were going with the investigation I was told they didn't know why I was ringing as there was nothing they could do (although they hadn't been kind enough to inform me of this!) So I was left feeling totally unbelieved and totally let down because I didn't for one second believe that they had even tried to do their job. So about a year ago I found "him" on facebook. The name matches, the location matches. Just too much of a coincidence. I contacted the police with this new evidence and they are looking into it again. Except this time I am dealing with the "unity team" who are specialists in abuse and rape cases and I actually do fee that they are doing their best to help, even though things aren't looking that positive. So there has been a LOT of stress caused by all of this, coupled with the fact that I wont tell anyone about e dealing with the police because A) they think I' "over it", B) I don't want to worry them unless it is going to go to court (which is looking unlikely but we will see) C) I don't think some people (like hubby) will care and will just let me struggle on with no support which will actually hurt me more than not asking for the support in the first place and loads of other "minor" reasons too.

2) I hate work. I love teaching the "kids" but everything else about the job is just pure crap. They have gone from observing me once a year (full time workers it is 3 times a year but I only work a day and a half) to observing me once a year PLUS once or twice every half term as part of a "learning walk" (bollocks speak for "we're checking up on you because we're crapping ourselves because ofsted is on its way sometime soon"). This isn't because they think I'm a crap teacher though, they are treating every single teacher the same although not pro rata as part time staff get observed much more frequently if you take the observation / teaching time both into consideration. Then they are stepping up all the book scrutinies AND adding on even more admin work. I spent 7 hours planning once lesson for an observation and that's just ridiculous. I only teach 2 lessons in this school a week as the rest of the time I am contracted out to teach in a primary school (which I love to bits) so even in a long half term I get observed once or twice every 14 lessons. Full time members of staff get observed once or twice every 147 lessons. Hardly seems fair to me. But hey, I'm a payroll number not a person so...

3) At the end of last year I was pulled up for being late for work on a regular basis by our new department manager. Not something I've ever tried to hide and something that had not been a problem with my previous department manager for the previous 3 1/2 years. I am always 5 or 10 minutes late because I couldn't dtrop the kids of at breakfast club until 8.15 and it is at least a 20 minute drive to work (I start at 8.30) But it's not like it affects my teaching as I don't actually start teaching until 9am. I also give up an hour of my time after school to run an after school club but they say that that is completely voluntary so that "overtime" does not compensate them for my lateness in any way! They also let other members of staff leave work early to go pick their kids up from school. Fair??? Hmmmm Doesn't seem like it to me. Anyway, I had my performance management in October and I failed it because I was repeatedly late for work. This came as a shock to me because I had no recollection of the meeting about me being late at the end of the Summer term. I did eventually start to remember the meeting after about 4 days so I went to the doctors about my memory problems ad he said he thought it was caused by depression. No surprise for me there. I spoke to the unions and they said that work has gone about it in completely the wrong way as they should have given me something in writing to tell me that if it didn't improve it would affect my performance management. However it isn't work speaking up about because it will only lead to them taking me down the disciplinary route and I will then have to declare that when I apply for other jobs. At least this way, i won't have to tell future employers about it BUT it also prevents me from getting a pay rise for another two years, which is why the union think they have done it this way. Anyway, my mum has kindly stepped in and will look after the kids between 8 and 8.15 so problem basically sorted although it has left me with a bitter taste in my mouth at work.

3) Hubby is being a complete and utter *$%&!$&"£. He never says anything positive to me, he never shows me any affection unless he wants sex and whatever I do just isn't good enough. It has got to the point where, despite the fact that I'm desperate for another baby, I won't have sex with him until he starts showing me some affection and starts being a bit kinder to me and not taking me for granted. I gave him an example of what I meant... a kiss before he goes to work wouldn't go amiss. So he does that now, but nothing else. I'm not even sure he knows HOW to show affection anymore! Whenever he is negative to me or criticises me I just feel so worthless. Right now I speak to him as little as possible just so there's less chance of us arguing and him then criticising me even further.

4) I have been worried about having an early menopause as my grandma had hers early and it can be hereditary and my periods and hormones are all over the place. On Friday I got it confirmed by blood test that my hormones are fine and that I AM ovulating. So over the past few months this has been really getting me down, although I can now breathe a sigh of relief. I sooooo want a third child that the thought of definitely not being able to have any more would just be devastating. Yes, I know I'm lucky, I already have two but there is this gut feeling that I have to have 3. I even said to my friend that I wanted "my three to grow up knowing how important they are to me". She ;looked at me funny and then I realised I only have two... so far.

5) I have bee having major skin and eye problems which make the skin on my bottom eyelids look so wrinkled that they belong to a 90 year old not a 38 year old!!! I'm getting to the point where I am so embarrassed about ti that I feel I have to apologise to people for the way I look by saying something like "Sorry, I don't normally look like this, I just have an eye problem at the moment that is making me look this sore and wrinkled". I even feel awkward about just leaving the house in case people stare at me. Very soul and confidence destroying. I'm on meds for it despite the fact that I don't like to take meds of any kind (not even paracetamol) due to having been spiked but nothing seems to have worked yet.

6) I am desperate for a number three. Partly because I just have this feeling that I am going to have another but also because I feel I was bullied into having an unnecessary caesarean by a consultant. My first was a section for breech birth. I wanted a natural birth with my second but was told he would be 11 or 11 1/2 lbs and that they couldn't possibly be ore than a pound out. They were. He was 9lbs 11. I still wanted the natural birth but they scared me into a section by telling me all sorts of horrible stories. I know they had to give me that info but for it to have been informed consent they should also have given me both the positives AND negatives of BOTH section and natural birth. Instead all I got was the negatives of natural birth. I am much more informed for number three now (even though I'm not pregnant) though and I WON'T be bullied into anything

7) I am in desperate need of counselling. I won't take meds for the PTSD / depression and I know counselling works well for me. But the waiting list is loooooooooooong. Ive been on the waiting list for two places since November now and although I'm moving up the list it is NOW that I need the help. I just need some way to boost my abysmal self image. That would help sooooooooo much.

8) When I went to the doctors earlier this week I broke down and she asked me if I would ever harm either myself or the kids. I guess I know that's a standard thing to ask and of course the answer is "not in a million years". the kids mean too much to me for me to leave them and I wouldn't touch a hear on their heads. But now I am left wondering what will happen next. Will I get a knock on the door fro social services of something, just to check all is ok? Scary and unnecessary.

9) I wish I was a better mother. I shout at the kids when they don't behave and I just don't live up to my own extremely high expectations of being a good mum. I guess I'm lucky enough to have had the mot amazing mother but that has set my standards sky high. Double edged sword I guess.

10) This wintery weather and basically being in the UK at all is just so depressing and whilst its not a cause it most certainly is a contributing factor. Everything seems so hopeless right now and the weather is just adding to that. If I could take my mum I'd be on a flight to Australia or a deserted tropical island in the South Pacific first thing in the morning. Then things might actually start to see better.

Hmmm is there anything else? No, I think those are all the biggies anyway. Sorry that this has been such a long rambling, moaning post and thanks for reading and congratulations if you managed to get to the end without falling asleep lol. Not sure what I wanted to achieve by writing this post. Maybe just to let some of this out rather than keeping it all in and trying to cope all on my own like I've done for waaaaaaaaaaaay too long already. So sick of trying to be positive, trying to be strong for others, trying to keep up the pretense of "everything's fine".
 
Ooops I posted this in the wrong section. It should have been in Mental Health.Sorryyyyyyy
 
Thread moved ;)

Welcome back to the forum Crusoe. Yep, you certainly do have a lot going on. Sorry to hear you are struggling.

I don't have time right now to reply properly, I'm just about to head out. I have read your post though - and it didn't send me to sleep! Sometimes we just need to vent, and be heard, but I will come back to this later. For now, a safe hug :hug:
 
7)I am in desperate need of counselling. I won't take meds for the PTSD / depression and I know counselling works well for me. But the waiting list is loooooooooooong. Ive been on the waiting list for two places since November now and although I'm moving up the list it is NOW that I need the help. I just need some way to boost my abysmal self image. That would help sooooooooo much.
Except this time I am dealing with the "unity team" who are specialists in abuse and rape cases and I actually do fee that they are doing their best to help,
Would the unity team be able to offer, or point you in the direction of more immediate support? I'm not sure which country you're in, or whose waiting list you are on, but if you haven't already checked out charities, it might be worth doing that too as they might be able to offer something sooner?
 
Would the unity team be able to offer, or point you in the direction of more immediate support? I'm not sure which country you're in, or whose waiting list you are on, but if you haven't already checked out charities, it might be worth doing that too as they might be able to offer something sooner?

Hi Splinter,
I'm in the UK. The unity team are there basically to investigate the crime and don't offer support as such. I have a "victim support" person (hate that title as I'm a fighter not a victim) and she has referred me to a local charity for specialist counselling. They only deal with those who have been abused / raped etc. I've seen a counsellor there in the past who I have a lot of faith in. She REALLY does help me and make me think about my options more clearly. I had an "assessment" session with her a couple of weeks ago which ended up just turning into a counselling session really. It did me the world of good. She said she really wanted to me to start counselling with her asap but that I would unfortunately have to wait a while and that there is a long list.

I was also referred to "First Steps" which is a service run by the NHS where doctors can refer you for counselling. You can also self refer. I'm not sure if this is a local service or national. I had my assessment with them on the phone in late November and got a call last week from a male counsellor with First Steps to say that they couldn't tell me when I would be seen but that I was now third on the list. Hopefully not too long to go but we will see. My main concern there is that they are not specialists in rape / abuse and I would normally say, get me to a counsellor, any counsellor asap but last time I saw a CPN who wasn't trained in this area she did more harm than good and told me it wasn't OK to talk about things!!! WTF!!! So I am a bit wary. I've always said that I would never be able to open up to a male counsellor but I actually think I'm at the point where seeing a bloke might help me a LOT!!! Maybe lol. Never ever thought I'd hear myself say that lol.
 
Personally, I wouldn't dismiss a male therapist either, I think it's good to keep an open mind. I know several people here who have great male therapists. As you found with your female CPN, gender shouldn't matter - it's about the individual. I totally understand why females who have been abused don't want to talk to males about it, but if it's what you are offered at the time, there's nothing really to lose by trying. If it doesn't work out, you can always be asked to be transferred to a female.

The ideal solution would be to see the lady you saw before - you know she helps, and she already knows a lot about you, so you wouldn't have to start from scratch with her. Does she do any private work? I'm not suggesting you can necessarily afford to see her privately, regularly, but could you have one or 2 sessions with her, or maybe see her once a month, until you come to the top of her list? If this were possible, perhaps she could set you some 'homework' between sessions.

Of course, if you do have to wait a long time, do you think you could do any self-therapy? Maybe look into work books that might be available, or self help books that could help you. Perhaps look at the self-help model on Link Removed All just suggestions.

You do have an awful lot going on, and when you get to that stage, one wrong thing feeds another, and another and everything snowballs. But trying to be realistic, you can't tackle all those things at once, particularly when depressed. So, perhaps you need a plan of action, and a way to prioritise all those issues, and deal with them one at a time. Only you know what is more important to you than another, but to some degree it also comes down to what you feel you might be able to accomplish, based on your level of depression/ wellness. Of course some things will overlap. It could well be, that you need to work on your self esteem, before you tackle anything else. Or perhaps, you need to try to sort out your relationship problems first - only you know what might work for you.

Is it work that gets you down the most, or can you tolerate that now that your Mum is on board to help you to get to work on time? Can you get a permanent position in the primary school, or another primary school? Or would you need more self-confidence to consider the change?

Life with your husband sounds very difficult. If this situation could improve, I'm sure it would have a huge impact on all those other areas in your life that are so difficult (support in all areas (work/police/health issues), boost in self-confidence, baby making possibilities, having fun, joint laughter, enjoying your kids together etc,etc). Being single, I'm always reluctant to give out relationship advice - but I have been in relationships, so I'm not a complete novice! Do you see any way of resolving the issues between you? Would it be possible to sit him down and have a calm discussion about how he makes you feel, and find out his thoughts on your relationship. Is he happy the way things are? If he wants things to change, what is he prepared to do? Would he consider couples therapy? Would you?

At the moment, you have stalemate until one of you makes the first move to change that. If he shows no sign of that, and you want change, then you owe it to yourself to try to change the situation.

This probably sounds like loads of questions, but like I said, I don't think you can work on, and/or solve everything at once, I'm just trying to get you to think about prioritising things for you. It's too overwhelming to even try to think about everything fixing everything all at once.

Also, only give consideration to the things you can change. You can't change the weather. If you really want to move to Australia with your Mum - focus on that and how it can be achieved!!!

Whatever you decide to focus on to begin with, just look at making baby steps. One small step, followed by another, over time achieves results. One thing I do know, and still frequently forget to do myself, is to be kind to yourself. I regularly harp on about that here, firstly because it's a reminder to myself, but mainly because it is massively important. If I tell someone else to do it, and remind myself in the process, then that's a bonus. If we're not kind to ourselves, who else is going to do it?

At the end of the day, we spend too much time being our own worst enemies, putting ourselves down, and telling ourselves that we're no good. That's rubbish. We need to be our own best friends, and treat ourselves well. Buy ourselves flowers, indulge in a hot bubble bath, go for a walk, eat cake, meet with friends, watch a film, read a book, knit a scarf. Run, jump, talk to flowers, hug the trees - whatever floats your boat - just do it!
 
I have a "victim support" person (hate that title as I'm a fighter not a victim) and she has referred me to a local charity for specialist counselling. They only deal with those who have been abused / raped etc. I've seen a counsellor there in the past who I have a lot of faith in. She REALLY does help me and make me think about my options more clearly. I had an "assessment" session with her a couple of weeks ago which ended up just turning into a counselling session really. It did me the world of good. She said she really wanted to me to start counselling with her asap but that I would unfortunately have to wait a while and that there is a long list.
As cherryblossom said it might be worth seeing if she would take you on privately for a couple of sessions in the meantime. She does seem the best option from what you say but it also sounds like you need more support now. Has she given you an estimate of how long you might have to wait?

I was also referred to "First Steps" which is a service run by the NHS where doctors can refer you for counselling. You can also self refer. I'm not sure if this is a local service or national. I had my assessment with them on the phone in late November and got a call last week from a male counsellor with First Steps to say that they couldn't tell me when I would be seen but that I was now third on the list. Hopefully not too long to go but we will see. My main concern there is that they are not specialists in rape / abuse and I would normally say, get me to a counsellor, any counsellor asap but last time I saw a CPN who wasn't trained in this area she did more harm than good and told me it wasn't OK to talk about things!!! WTF!!! So I am a bit wary. I've always said that I would never be able to open up to a male counsellor but I actually think I'm at the point where seeing a bloke might help me a LOT!!! Maybe lol. Never ever thought I'd hear myself say that lol.
It might help as a stop gap until the sessions with the charity counsellor become available. You could use it to talk about day to day struggles and get some help with that in the meantime. I know what you mean about seeing a male counsellor - both my NHS assessment appointments were with guys and I couldn't cope with it at all, but some people really benefit from it so don't write it off (I ended up going private because the NHS service here is very hit and miss, and in my case it missed quite spectacularly, but again I've heard better reports from other people).
Hope you manage to sort something out.
 
Hi guys,
Thanks ever so much for your replies. I've read them but will reply once the kids are in bed.
Thanks again
x
 
I'm thinking that if I saw a male counsellor I might learn not to aim my mistrust at men in general but instead solely at the right person. I don't mind seeing a bloke but i would want to be assured that he had training in dealing with people who have been thorugh what we have before talking to him about this stuff rather than the everyday stuff. If my old counsellor comes up first then of course I will go for her anyway but if he comes up first i will have to see how we go and only take myself off the waiting list for my old counsellor once i am certain that this guy can really help me. If not, he may well be a good stop gap.

I'd be more than happy to see my old counsellor privately as i know she also has her own business but i think she focuses on working for this charity rather than her own clients to be honest. The only thing stopping me asking her about a private session is that i really don't have the money. I only work a day and a half now (or i did before I went off with stress) so I'm not earning vast amounts. I'm lucky that I get 100 days full sick pay a year and because I only work 1 1/2 days a week I would have to work over a year before I get reduced to half salary. Obviously they aren't going to want to employ me for years on that basis though, are they so I need to be as careful with money as possible so that if i do eventually lose my job then I do have something to live on for a while at least. As it is I spend all my money on the kids every month so I'm just going to have to cut back. N idea at all how long the waiting list to see my old counsellor is. I just know that it is loooooooooooooooong.

I looked at the link to that file and it looked like it would work for me as I'm quite a logical thinker most of the time. Looks scary though but it has to be worth a try.

As for prioritising you are definitely right about the snowball effect. My main priorities are keeping my cool with the kids and I have already found what I think is a great idea to help me do that. It is called "the orange rhino" and is a support based programme that a real mum did for herself and her kids and now she blogs about it and there is online support for anyone who wants to give the programme a go. All free!!! The purpose is to basically go 365 days without shouting at your children. I think I'm going to aim for a week and then when I get that done I will aim for a month, then 6 then a year. :)

After the kids comes my skin because that is more achievable than third in rank. I will just have to sit back and wait to see if these meds do or don't work and then if they don't request a referral and some eye swabs. I'm lucky in that I can at least go private as my hubby has family bupa cover through his work so if it is going to take a while to get a referral then i always have that option.

Finally comes hubby because I have given up all hope of getting anywhere with him. I don't even want him to get me anything for valentines because I know it will just be an empty gesture. He asked what I wanted for Christmas and my response was "to feel loved". He got me a camera lens (which I'm not complaining about) but I would much rather have had what I had asked for. I have talked to him calmly about our relationship and how unhappy I am. He doesn't even see that there's a problem though so how the problem can be sorted out is beyond me. I've even admitted to him that the issue isn't purely one sided as I know that I get very irritable with him when he makes me feel so unliked. We BOTH need to work on it but we can't if he won't accept there's an issue! I've suggested couples counselling and although he didn't refuse to go, he said he would much rather start drinking less (which would be a big help) but he hasn't even managed to do that.

All the other things I think will either fall into place or will become less of an issue once the other things are sorted. The police issue is actually priority 2a I suppose but right now I'm playing a waiting game so I can't do anything about it. Counselling would help with all of the above priorities as well as with the police issue (and many of the other issues too) but again, there's nothing more I can do about that other than the self help ideas you gave me. As for work... it can take a running jump although I'm going to try and get a cv done soon. Just every time I think about doing it I feel horrible inside and just procrastinate ugh. I DO really want to move to Australia but in reality that is never going to happen... just a pipe dream but at least i have my "safe place" to imagine myself in (a deserted Bora Bora *happy sigh*) I honestly dont feel i have the time to be kind to myself but on the other hand I know that making that time for myself will actually help to make me feel better and alleviate some of the things I'm trying to cope wit a bit. Something I just have to push myself to do I guess.

Thanks so much for your input guys. It really has helped to make me see things either from a different view point or if not, certainly more clearly rather than a tangled ball of wool.

hugs

xxxxx
 
I looked at the link to that file and it looked like it would work for me as I'm quite a logical thinker most of the time. Looks scary though but it has to be worth a try.
Just remember to pay attention to the first part of that PDF regarding stability, safety and support. Take it slowly, and consider if your life is stable enough to cope with the an increase in symptoms.

After the kids comes my skin because that is more achievable than third in rank.
That sounds sensible to me. I think that is an ongoing process which can be continually addressed. It strikes me as important to continue for your self-esteem.

Finally comes hubby because I have given up all hope of getting anywhere with him.
That is my biggest concern for you, if I'm being honest. I don't know what to suggest without being radical and asking if you want to stay married to this man, and living with him in these circumstances for the rest of your life. You don't have to answer that, btw. Perhaps you could revisit the couples counselling that you have already talked about - he didn't refuse - perhaps it's worth another try?
 
Hi @Crusoe I have a male therapist and he is awesome. I try to think of him as a person/therapist not as a male. I don't think he specialises in sexual abuse (probably just life trauma in General) but he definitely still gets it. Good luck.
 
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