Relationship Anxiety and Triggers

[BlueWeepingRose]

I tried to start a new relationship. Everything was going great between both of us, he wanted a serious relationship and I wanted the same thing. We we're together for a few months even. I think I may have trusted him too much though because he ended up breaking up with me, and I didn't see this coming. I didn't see any red flags or warning signs but I kept feeling anxiety and triggers by things. I'm not putting the blame on him, but I sort of felt like he took advantage of me since I'm in a weak state right now. I'm grieving over my brother's suicide and he was close friends with my brother even. He mentioned how he always liked me and I sort of knew he did, but when he broke up with me, I feel kinda stupid because I got intimate with him and feel like I made a huge mistake. He told me he has a lot going on in his life right now, can't pursue the relationship anymore and I'm not sure if he's lying to me or what. A lot of people are telling me he's most likely lying and only wanted to have sex with me, and probably used me since I'm in a vulnerable state right now. I've known this guy for years and I truly trusted him. So I'm not sure what to think... I'm confused.

He was a very kind person towards me and caring, but now I feel confused about everything. I'm wondering if the anxiety I felt around him was because it was my intution trying to tell me something or it was just my PTSD acting up. When he broke up with me, I got triggered by it because I was sexually assaulted by my ex boyfriend and sex is a big thing to me now, because I sort of feel used. 😞 I've been sort of blaming myself about this because deep down I thought he truly cared for me, but now I'm honestly not too sure, I'm getting mixed feelings about everything. I'm not sure if I can trust what he says now. He told me he never meant to hurt me, he just has a lot going on, but still he knew I was going through a hard time with everything going on. He knew my brother committed suicide and how I was grieving over him. If he didn't think he could pursue a relationship, than why did he even pursue me at all? I'm not reaching out to him or anything, I've pretty much let it go. I just want to focus on moving forward, but this still does upset me a lot. I wasn't in love with the guy or anything, I just am hurt about the entire situation and feel like I was manipulated or something... I'm so confused about the entire thing. So now I'm back to having a hard time trusting people again and feeling quite depressed.

 

[Friday]

I’m confused.

I don’t see the link between someone breaking up with me… and that act in and of itself… making them untrustworthy, or manipulative, or somehow changing their basic character as a kind/caring trustworthy individual?

Don’t get me wrong, it’s natural to be hurt/disappointed when someone breaks up with us. AND it’s a common byproduct of abuse to both assign ALL kinds of negative emotions under the abuse umbrella (feeling like we’re being abused any time we’re hurt, disappointed, surprised, etc,).

But it feels like you’re trying to jam a square peg in a round hole by beating yourself up trying to find red flags & warnings & signs of manipulation & other tell tales of untrustworthiness/abuse/assholery… when you’re not breaking up with him because he’s XYZ… but he’s breaking up with you, after several months of giving it a go, because this isn’t working for him. Not only that, but is sounds like he did it in a way that’s totally IN character for him still being the kind caring guy you’ve known him to be for years.

Personally? The vast majority of people I’ve broken up with, or been dumped by, have been amaaaazing awesome totally fantastic people. Those? Are the people I want to break up with/be broken up with by… because those are the people I want to be dating. Just being a good person doesn’t mean we’re going to be perfect for each other, or that our lives will work well together, even if we’re wildly in love. It’s pretty much scraping the bottom of the barrel, IMO, as far as “not dating assholes” goes. If we’re breaking up not because we don’t work, and not because our lives don’t work, but because THEY are an asshole? I’ve failed to meet my minimum standards of “Don’t date assholes.”

If he didn't think he could pursue a relationship, than why did he even pursue me at all?

Because time machines haven’t been invented, yet? 😉

Several months ago, when you two first started dating, he was looking for both a relationship & a serious relationship at that. Now? After several months you care for each other …but… neither of you are wildly in love, you’re grieving a profound loss, his life isn’t where he feels he can be in a serious relationship. That’s not only a lot, but breaking up sounds like the sensible/honorable/decent thing to do… as ANY of those things (much less all of them) would spell the end of most new relationships, and many well established relationships of years.

 

[Movingforward10]

I’m sorry the relationship ended.

idk. But how you write about him, I kind of believe him. Whilst you are grieving the death of your brother (so sorry...), he is too and maybe he could have behaved better but life is complicated.

it doesn’t have to be a binary thing. I.e. being Intimate with someone means never breaking up. Or him saying he cares and ending the relationship means he doesn’t care.
it sounds as though he cares and cares enough to explain his feelings and reasoning with you.
doesn’t stop the immense hurt of another loss right now. But doesn’t mean he lied to you to get to be intimate with you.

 

[BlueWeepingRose]

I've thought more about the relationship tonight. He's always had a thing for me, my brother killed himself back in 2019. When we got into a relationship, he said he wanted a serious relationship with me, even mentioning me moving in with him. The thing was that stuck out to me, I was crying a lot and had a lot of anxiety as I was dating him. I had no idea why, but I just kept feeling like something was off.

The one thing I forgot to mention is he was very hot and cold with me throughout the entire relationship. His behavior towards me, confused me. Anytime I asked him if anything was wrong, he informed me nothing was wrong and he'd tell me if something was wrong. So I left it be. Yet he still continued to treat me that way and it made me feel horrible. He continued to withdraw and act very hot and cold towards me, but I kept feeling that something was off. I never took notice of this until I spoke to a close friend about it. When I went to visit him, I was intimate with him, but once I got back home, he broke up with me a week later. That's where things lead me into confusion.

My brother's best friends informed me more things about him and how they thought it was odd the way he treated me and how he continues to text me, even after him breaking up with me. When I asked him about this, he said he'd like to be in a relationship with me again sometime down the road and for now just be friends. I sort of get the feeling like he's stringing me along by the way he's acting and I've cried multiple times today by the way he was acting towards me. He tells me he has strong feelings for me, would like to be in a relationship with me one day, but yet he's very withdrawn and cold towards me. It gives me mixed signals.

If he deeply cares about me like he says he does, It doesn't take that much of an effort to send a message to someone. His behavior is very very strange to me, I know others may think I'm thinking to much into this, but I find it sort of wrong the way he's treating me. Texting me soon after him breaking up with me?? That's sort of odd in my opinion. I've told him how deeply I'm affected by the loss of my brother, but him texting me soon after breaking up with me, is giving me mixed signals and upsetting me. I had to rethink everything over and wasn't seeing everything fully until I talked it over with a friend. So it got me to see things a lot more clearly. I think I'm going to end up telling him to no longer contact me, because it's upsetting me by the way he's treating me. The mixed signals is messing with my head too much... 😭

 

[Movingforward10]

I was really pleased to read that last part of your post as that is you putting in boundaires. Reading the most of your post I wondered about your boundaires. And how you make your feelings known, given you have been feeling his behaviour is off for the most of the relationship.

I would say texting after a break up isn't necessarily odd. I lived with my ex for 5 months after we spilt up. People break up in all sorts of ways. But what is great is that you realise what you need which is no contact from or with him for now to give you space to heal.

Break ups are horrendous. They feel like a total rejection of yourself. So painful. Time stops still and itr hard to know how to overcome it. And you have the added pain of the loss of your brother. And the connection of your ex to your brother. That all sounds incredibly hard.

 

[leggirl]

Sometimes people really aren't ready for relationships. It's nobody's fault. I fell hard for a dismissive avoidant guy who can be cold and withdrawn but he indicated he is just overwhelmed and retreats - pretty much what l do also. He his autistic. He does suffer from anxiety and sometimes depression. I was quick to write him off like you but later l realized these were his coping skills.

So perhaps if you just meet for a quick coffee date, you can ask him a few questions. Should you continue on with no contact? Did he feel overwhelmed? Did he decide to take a break? This guy also said he was interested in a relationship but then pulled back. But he didn't lovebomb me or blow up my text. I felt hurt because l wanted to contact him everyday, he couldn't do that because his autistic nature. Men are complicated too, just like us.