Relationship strain

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I feel like my relationship is straining, its feels like theres no romance and because of traumatic circumstances and the vicious exile from manipulative parents, we took on debts and rent and things quite early on.

Recently I've been feeling like my trauma is creating a massive rift on the relationship, I'm so unwell most days that I'm a constant ticking time bomb and a risk but that only makes me feel I should die even more. My partner has been the first person to truly listen to me in lifetime of being belittled and having to stay quiet about constant severe family abuse (sexual, physical, emotional and financial). He often cares for me on those really rough day, virtually everyday, but he gets so angry that I wont let him scream at parents for blaming me for the rape. The feelings I have everyday and inevitable projected onto him just because we live in such a tight space.

I've been analysing the breakdown I had and the hypersexuality I experienced after being accused of being the perpetrator despite being 7yrs younger and I feel I cant be intimate anymore because sex was such a self destructive tool and my parents, whilst cutting me off, would contact me just to take more money, guilt trip me into buying them even more gifts and call m a disgusting slutt, the way they kept doing.

In this time I submitted to becoming what they all wanted me to be, and I saw the smirks and large grins on the faces of all my family of narcissists who have spent my whole life picking criticisms on my body and anything they can, all day every day, eager for my downfall. What's worse is the perpetrator in the family began to dictate things even further than the lies and fake story they were stupidly believing, after that my 3yrs of savings full time physical labour at £2/hr in inhumane conditions was thrown away left right and centre to the scummiest and most disgusting people, ones who reflect the characters of my family, who also took what they wanted financially, physically, sexually.

I dont have people anymore because I cant trust anyone, I'm only just recognising how severe my self destruction is and I'm not even sure I should be in a relationship, hes so caring and kind, weve lived together a long time, but I just feel like theres resentments building in the trauma of things that have happened in the past and fear for the future. He tells me how drained he is from hearing how vile my childhood was, and he seems to cope with it less each day, it makes me feel like I shouldn't talk but I've only just started talking, I think he just Hates the way I talk about myself as if I'm saying all the things my family would always say to me as a child
That's a lot for anyone. Are you in any type of therapy?
No, I've had volunteer counselling, but I just dont feel it helps saying the same things over again and they just sit there not saying anything and I mostly end up acting like I am happy by the end just because it seems like that's what they want, for me to just act okay so it doesnt have to be dealt with
it makes me feel like I shouldn't talk but I've only just started talking
Hearing about somebody else's trauma can be so hard for others because they have a sense of guilt for not being able to help. My significant other is the same way, no matter how hard she tries she can never fix me. Maybe try to explain to him that you don't have a need to be fixed but need someone safe to vent too. It can be hard on a relationship when trauma is present :( hopefully one day you can find a counselor who accomodates your needs and helps you with what you need. I am so glad you are able to talk and voice your feelings and I hope this doesn't hinder your progress. much love, L
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